CNN.com Headlines from September 19th - October 24th:
Giuliani stuns kids, threatens "Jihad on pets”
Eric Clapton can't wait forever for moon insurance
O.J. Simpson on crusade saving marriages
Frustrated astronauts don't have enough tongues to fend off dangerous livestock
Robert Goulet can't wait on $2.4 trillion wine
4'5" astronauts wield ax to fend off dangerous “devil shuttle” that belches out flames, tongues of victims
Bush "can't wait forever on facts". Declares wars on Cuba, Greenland
Frustrated astronauts push U.N. chief off of moon
Bush speech to envision free Vick, Simpson
Bush to tap Fergie, confesses "I don't have enough green to get Mira Sorvino"
Wildfire victims next battle: fend off dangerous pitbull with shield, ax
Pitbull is underdog in countrywide livestock race from California to New York for $2.4 trillion
Bush promises more belches: "I have enough in the body for a month"
Frolicking in Asia, Bin Laden cancels Chuck Norris drowning
Bin Laden airs "Heroes" for dozens of Iraq protesters
Bush takes another 42 billion shots, arrested in coast-to-coast dance
Chuck Norris stays in space to avoid raging cocks of Bush's NASA men that would scare you
Bush wants to launch last-ditch anti-gay pesticides nightmare in U.S. to save Queen
Celebrities say they feel safe in wildfires
Bush fears erratic space shuttle evacuees
Evacuees say widespread wildfires 'so romantic'
Serious about outliving kids, one mom heads for space
Autistic shuttle crew nukes east coast. Wakeup call for people who can't let go.
Drugs may increase fun, you'll see
Houseplants cast shadow over puppy
Obama: Racism is cool. You can quote me on that.
Puppy highjacked nukes for hippie ghosts who can't grow houseplants
Nukes may increase killing risk
Sex offenders may increase rape risk
Hungry and fearless Clinton to Obama "You'll get stabbed, light-skinned foe"
T.I.'s lawyers ask for some of the best drugs on the east coast. Lawyers to judge: "and you'll grow them"
Clinton to houseplant: Let me go!
Obama's head found in Thai bank
From Oprah.com: It’s not dieting, it’s killing the police and enjoying it
Report: Rich get head, poor get ghosts and other childhood terrors
Farmers sue Spider-man for enjoying justice and not delivering drugs to people who can't grow them
Lost puppy implodes in Obama's pants
Houseplants may increase impotence risk in hippie swinger
Study: moonlight encourages light-skinned blacks to argue over pedophilia
Clinton allegedly stabbed houseplants for mounting puppy
Clinton, Obama recovering after 4 days of wacky tug-of-war fighting in Atlantic City warehouse
Clinton's review: "Tug-of-war museum good, very good. Stunning."
Obama: "I didn't mean cool pants are for blacks"
Autistic hippie stabbed for giving Clinton a wakeup call
Britney spears, with gun at kids head, loses visitation rights
Kids saved from bizarre Tony Bennett visitation
Stripper solves Iraq war, waiting to collect her $1
Bush videotaped taking survival tips from sea life
Democrats battle technology China-style: at 70 mph in car from the 80's
Study: Early humans threw light bulbs at sex offenders
Clinton: Black support pointless
Did sea life once have eyebrows?
Clinton charged with smuggling 844-lb. turkey to rapper T.I. in custody
Wife spying on hubby demands pullout of porn star
Hannah Montana permits Dali Lama to grab booty
School may attack lame 6th graders with 100,000 bees
Shuttle will launch despite zombie concerns
Raising the dead may give Obama the zombie vote
Obama facing questions on bringing dead Indians back to life
Clinton dieting on cold-meds: "food is lame"
Britney Spears plans 'peaceful' sexual assault of child
Confidence of disabled 844-lb child at an all-time low
How Rice uses one hand to keep Putin fueled all day
Child spying on hottest teacher in history of school says "I'm in love," sends greeting card with sexual sayings
Putin plans to wrestle sick dinosaur on magical island before it's too late
Rice: "Time for breakfast"
Dinosaur retirements at all time low
Peaceful school shooter says "Life, it's too wonderful. Fall in love with the world!"
Can slugging cans of silly string all day treat cancer?
Bill Gates has a plan to kill the disabled vets
Athens visitors give selves "one-hand bonuses"
25 customized breakfast tips to keep you dead
Magical leopard accused of slugging silly toddler dead in Warsaw. No solace for wonderful species.
Fall in love with the sad, wonderful life of Iran's porn star shark with a $50K SUV and a voicemail addiction
School shooter had look of "an easy going child running away from a big green dinosaur" teacher says
Prophet Mohamed caught in silly string shoot-out for self defense
O.J. slacking? Under 25 murders on Friday
Giuliani throws dart at autistic teen on wilderness hike: "I want to leave a mark"
China's Hu on O.J. Simpson: Murder that pumpkin-chucking playboy
O.J. Simpson murders 33 after remote vanishes
McCain: The time has come for a pumpkin-chucking, Indian-bashing vigilante
Edwards to "View" co-host: Steroids not just for the kids, dog
Stressed Clinton to yank own teeth with pliers on the View
McCain says he wanted to be Indiana Jones, hits the high seas, needs anchor
Romney: Seas full of oceans
Heated Edwards: Wear your bikinis, sports bras to Iran vote
Simpson killed off 2 moms, 2000 Brits
Guiliani: If Mars attacks, I'll be in secret tunnels under China
Troubleshooter: Help! my hands are missing and my girlfriend is dismembering my family!
Romney naive on Guiliani bondage camp
Police warn naps just as common in jail
Is your low-fat diet killing Snoop Dogg?
Romney, Guiliani trade post-debate assault weapons: "We must fight the prince of the oceans" Clinton, Obama worried.
Why did Giuliani use feet on Britney Spears where it's illegal?
Al Gore on ocean adventures to dig up treasures and save the 'Jena 6'
Low-fat diet may help abortion
Hunting just as common in parallel universe
Gore to U.N.: Share you thoughts on astronomers killing your kids
Gore warns U.S. over naive Jews
A drunk Gore raps about kids' cold meds to African ambassador
Boy apologizes to mom after bogus hug
Freed Iraqis won't return handcuffs
Hungry fetus-snatcher apologizes to baby
USDA: Don't eat electronic gadgets after torching your mansion
Telescope spies pumpkin on Marion Jones' head
Hungry first lady handcuffs self to Applebee's
NFL shuts down "Museum of rape", apologizes
Bush: "Step aside Laura, time for torching pot without the first lady"
Sick baby heading to space station to improve ozone layer
Step aside faked pregnancies. America's favorite: baby suicide
America's 100 favorite kids heading to Turkey after democrats bogus sex slavery pledge
UAW to Mom: 1000-pound "baby" likely a Chrysler
Bush to Iraq: Got change for a genocide?
Suicide to genocide: "Step aside"
Survey results are in: murder your neighbors
Clinton says she focusing on sex in haunted houses
Clarence Thomas not ready for Christmas, barricades himself in tire store with Jimmy Carter and a kangaroo
Clinton blames devil for cheating in impressive astronaut shooting
Impressive lady breast ka-boings amid sex scandal
The devil not ready for Christmas, kills himself
Democratic rivals take shots at skydivers over Chicago, killing 50. Clinton: "Killing spree guarantees a good night's sleep"
Senate OKs sex with teen
Clooney names Ahmadinejad 'Joe Cool'
Mini Hitler -- real or sham?
Vick: Dogfighting lives up to the hype
Wizard of Oz slams Ahmadinejad: “Dudes a threat”
Viggo Mortensen called "meaner Hitler with bad back pain"
Batman faces new threat – PMS
Ms. Edwards: "F*ck Batman, no one is as fresh as Clinton"
Your face is secretly dressed up as Wizard of Oz characters on execution day
Bush: No sex should be delayed by bad PMS
Juror to court: "F*ck your case!"
Clinton slams Hitler on healthcare
Teen: Having sex lives up to hype
Banged-up Hitler hits up the red carpet despite heavy bleeding
Senate to consider lethal injection for bad drivers
4 charged with bad hair in Baquba suicide bombing
Report: Vick guilty of loving pet to death
Oops! Scores killed by swastika shaped asteroid. Congress to ask for a do-over.
Bush says Clinton will eat Obama after misdiagnosed bites from Zombies
Virgin zombies all smiles after pleasurable flesh bites
Iran: "We are not playing hide and seek with zombies"
Evil surfer girl all smiles after shark rips off man's head
Gleeful Bush mysteriously declares "jihad" against children's health program
Clinton calls plane crash program "risky"
Nazis, Al Qaeda approved to run Major League Baseball
5 best-dressed Nazis at Auschwitz
Judge mysteriously declares "O.J. Simpson must be buried in San Diego"
Photos show single-minded beer lovers training children to back jihad against nutritionists and celebrate brewing
Al Queda wants fat Americans to avoid losing weight
Oprah wants Nazis to control the world to avoid ice loss
Clinton ripped off underwear in disgusting strip show
Bush: "Oprah, if you want free sperm, here's your man"
"If you see hydrogen goo, eat it" says Switzerland's worst lesbian cop to a polygamous teen with fake teeth hidden in a phone store
Velociraptor on Neptune conquers big autistic lesbian with fake barbeque, risky underwear twist
God says Gulf coast tornado was a hoax
Hillary confession: "I did it. Eat it, O.J."
"Genesis incident" earns God millions
Plane crashes into Giuliani's teeth amid protests at airport
God has a problem with teens. The man who makes H2O and the velociraptor says in a rant: "I used to be as hot as MySpace pages you ungrateful life goo."
Giuliani's fantasy? Hillary Clinton stripped of underwear, taped to a Chinese made bomb
Split Spector jury sent back to Neptune
Student sent back into store to marvel at phone, questioned "You see it? Be grateful.”
Mariah Carey: "Mom has a warm spot for the bomb store, if you block the big lesbian from food you'll die"
God recalls engineering Hillary, "Gorgeous, but a lesbian" Hillary responds, "I am not a lesbian" God responds, "You dream, I am an expert"
Giuliani overcomes fear of cribs
Frasier blasts 50-cent for "acting white"
Birdwatching Romney to frolic naked in backyard in ad
Birdwatching frustration provoked Simpson to kill
Senate Republican tasered, pelted with bottles for "acting like a sucker"
Cnn.com headlines from January 11, 2008: 
