Frolicking in Asia, Bin Laden cancels Chuck Norris drowning

CNN.com Headlines from September 19th - October 24th:

Giuliani stuns kids, threatens "Jihad on pets”

Eric Clapton can't wait forever for moon insurance

O.J. Simpson on crusade saving marriages

Frustrated astronauts don't have enough tongues to fend off dangerous livestock

Robert Goulet can't wait on $2.4 trillion wine

4'5" astronauts wield ax to fend off dangerous “devil shuttle” that belches out flames, tongues of victims

Bush "can't wait forever on facts". Declares wars on Cuba, Greenland

Frustrated astronauts push U.N. chief off of moon

Bush speech to envision free Vick, Simpson

Bush to tap Fergie, confesses "I don't have enough green to get Mira Sorvino"

Wildfire victims next battle: fend off dangerous pitbull with shield, ax

Pitbull is underdog in countrywide livestock race from California to New York for $2.4 trillion

Bush promises more belches: "I have enough in the body for a month"

Frolicking in Asia, Bin Laden cancels Chuck Norris drowning

Bin Laden airs "Heroes" for dozens of Iraq protesters

Bush takes another 42 billion shots, arrested in coast-to-coast dance

Chuck Norris stays in space to avoid raging cocks of Bush's NASA men that would scare you

Bush wants to launch last-ditch anti-gay pesticides nightmare in U.S. to save Queen

Celebrities say they feel safe in wildfires

Bush fears erratic space shuttle evacuees

Evacuees say widespread wildfires 'so romantic'

Serious about outliving kids, one mom heads for space

Autistic shuttle crew nukes east coast. Wakeup call for people who can't let go.

Drugs may increase fun, you'll see

Houseplants cast shadow over puppy

Obama: Racism is cool. You can quote me on that.

Puppy highjacked nukes for hippie ghosts who can't grow houseplants

Nukes may increase killing risk

Sex offenders may increase rape risk

Hungry and fearless Clinton to Obama "You'll get stabbed, light-skinned foe"

T.I.'s lawyers ask for some of the best drugs on the east coast. Lawyers to judge: "and you'll grow them"

Clinton to houseplant: Let me go!

Obama's head found in Thai bank

From Oprah.com: It’s not dieting, it’s killing the police and enjoying it

Report: Rich get head, poor get ghosts and other childhood terrors

Farmers sue Spider-man for enjoying justice and not delivering drugs to people who can't grow them

Lost puppy implodes in Obama's pants

Houseplants may increase impotence risk in hippie swinger

Study: moonlight encourages light-skinned blacks to argue over pedophilia

Clinton allegedly stabbed houseplants for mounting puppy

Clinton, Obama recovering after 4 days of wacky tug-of-war fighting in Atlantic City warehouse

Clinton's review: "Tug-of-war museum good, very good. Stunning."

Obama: "I didn't mean cool pants are for blacks"

Autistic hippie stabbed for giving Clinton a wakeup call

Britney spears, with gun at kids head, loses visitation rights

Kids saved from bizarre Tony Bennett visitation

Stripper solves Iraq war, waiting to collect her $1

Bush videotaped taking survival tips from sea life

Democrats battle technology China-style: at 70 mph in car from the 80's

Study: Early humans threw light bulbs at sex offenders

Clinton: Black support pointless

Did sea life once have eyebrows?

Clinton charged with smuggling 844-lb. turkey to rapper T.I. in custody

Wife spying on hubby demands pullout of porn star

Hannah Montana permits Dali Lama to grab booty

School may attack lame 6th graders with 100,000 bees

Shuttle will launch despite zombie concerns

Raising the dead may give Obama the zombie vote

Obama facing questions on bringing dead Indians back to life

Clinton dieting on cold-meds: "food is lame"

Britney Spears plans 'peaceful' sexual assault of child

Confidence of disabled 844-lb child at an all-time low

How Rice uses one hand to keep Putin fueled all day

Child spying on hottest teacher in history of school says "I'm in love," sends greeting card with sexual sayings

Putin plans to wrestle sick dinosaur on magical island before it's too late

Rice: "Time for breakfast"

Dinosaur retirements at all time low

Peaceful school shooter says "Life, it's too wonderful. Fall in love with the world!"

Can slugging cans of silly string all day treat cancer?

Bill Gates has a plan to kill the disabled vets

Athens visitors give selves "one-hand bonuses"

25 customized breakfast tips to keep you dead

Magical leopard accused of slugging silly toddler dead in Warsaw. No solace for wonderful species.

Fall in love with the sad, wonderful life of Iran's porn star shark with a $50K SUV and a voicemail addiction

School shooter had look of "an easy going child running away from a big green dinosaur" teacher says

Prophet Mohamed caught in silly string shoot-out for self defense

O.J. slacking? Under 25 murders on Friday

Giuliani throws dart at autistic teen on wilderness hike: "I want to leave a mark"

China's Hu on O.J. Simpson: Murder that pumpkin-chucking playboy

O.J. Simpson murders 33 after remote vanishes

McCain: The time has come for a pumpkin-chucking, Indian-bashing vigilante

Edwards to "View" co-host: Steroids not just for the kids, dog

Stressed Clinton to yank own teeth with pliers on the View

McCain says he wanted to be Indiana Jones, hits the high seas, needs anchor

Romney: Seas full of oceans

Heated Edwards: Wear your bikinis, sports bras to Iran vote

Simpson killed off 2 moms, 2000 Brits

Guiliani: If Mars attacks, I'll be in secret tunnels under China

Troubleshooter: Help! my hands are missing and my girlfriend is dismembering my family!

Romney naive on Guiliani bondage camp

Police warn naps just as common in jail

Is your low-fat diet killing Snoop Dogg?

Romney, Guiliani trade post-debate assault weapons: "We must fight the prince of the oceans" Clinton, Obama worried.

Why did Giuliani use feet on Britney Spears where it's illegal?

Al Gore on ocean adventures to dig up treasures and save the 'Jena 6'

Low-fat diet may help abortion

Hunting just as common in parallel universe

Gore to U.N.: Share you thoughts on astronomers killing your kids

Gore warns U.S. over naive Jews

A drunk Gore raps about kids' cold meds to African ambassador

Boy apologizes to mom after bogus hug

Freed Iraqis won't return handcuffs

Hungry fetus-snatcher apologizes to baby

USDA: Don't eat electronic gadgets after torching your mansion

Telescope spies pumpkin on Marion Jones' head

Hungry first lady handcuffs self to Applebee's

NFL shuts down "Museum of rape", apologizes

Bush: "Step aside Laura, time for torching pot without the first lady"

Sick baby heading to space station to improve ozone layer

Step aside faked pregnancies. America's favorite: baby suicide

America's 100 favorite kids heading to Turkey after democrats bogus sex slavery pledge

UAW to Mom: 1000-pound "baby" likely a Chrysler

Bush to Iraq: Got change for a genocide?

Suicide to genocide: "Step aside"

Survey results are in: murder your neighbors

Clinton says she focusing on sex in haunted houses

Clarence Thomas not ready for Christmas, barricades himself in tire store with Jimmy Carter and a kangaroo

Clinton blames devil for cheating in impressive astronaut shooting

Impressive lady breast ka-boings amid sex scandal

The devil not ready for Christmas, kills himself

Democratic rivals take shots at skydivers over Chicago, killing 50. Clinton: "Killing spree guarantees a good night's sleep"

Senate OKs sex with teen

Clooney names Ahmadinejad 'Joe Cool'

Mini Hitler -- real or sham?

Vick: Dogfighting lives up to the hype

Wizard of Oz slams Ahmadinejad: “Dudes a threat”

Viggo Mortensen called "meaner Hitler with bad back pain"

Batman faces new threat – PMS

Ms. Edwards: "F*ck Batman, no one is as fresh as Clinton"

Your face is secretly dressed up as Wizard of Oz characters on execution day

Bush: No sex should be delayed by bad PMS

Juror to court: "F*ck your case!"

Clinton slams Hitler on healthcare

Teen: Having sex lives up to hype

Banged-up Hitler hits up the red carpet despite heavy bleeding

Senate to consider lethal injection for bad drivers

4 charged with bad hair in Baquba suicide bombing

Report: Vick guilty of loving pet to death

Oops! Scores killed by swastika shaped asteroid. Congress to ask for a do-over.

Bush says Clinton will eat Obama after misdiagnosed bites from Zombies

Virgin zombies all smiles after pleasurable flesh bites

Iran: "We are not playing hide and seek with zombies"

Evil surfer girl all smiles after shark rips off man's head

Gleeful Bush mysteriously declares "jihad" against children's health program

Clinton calls plane crash program "risky"

Nazis, Al Qaeda approved to run Major League Baseball

5 best-dressed Nazis at Auschwitz

Judge mysteriously declares "O.J. Simpson must be buried in San Diego"

Photos show single-minded beer lovers training children to back jihad against nutritionists and celebrate brewing

Al Queda wants fat Americans to avoid losing weight

Oprah wants Nazis to control the world to avoid ice loss

Clinton ripped off underwear in disgusting strip show

Bush: "Oprah, if you want free sperm, here's your man"

"If you see hydrogen goo, eat it" says Switzerland's worst lesbian cop to a polygamous teen with fake teeth hidden in a phone store

Velociraptor on Neptune conquers big autistic lesbian with fake barbeque, risky underwear twist

God says Gulf coast tornado was a hoax

Hillary confession: "I did it. Eat it, O.J."

"Genesis incident" earns God millions

Plane crashes into Giuliani's teeth amid protests at airport

God has a problem with teens. The man who makes H2O and the velociraptor says in a rant: "I used to be as hot as MySpace pages you ungrateful life goo."

Giuliani's fantasy? Hillary Clinton stripped of underwear, taped to a Chinese made bomb

Split Spector jury sent back to Neptune

Student sent back into store to marvel at phone, questioned "You see it? Be grateful.”

Mariah Carey: "Mom has a warm spot for the bomb store, if you block the big lesbian from food you'll die"

God recalls engineering Hillary, "Gorgeous, but a lesbian" Hillary responds, "I am not a lesbian" God responds, "You dream, I am an expert"

Giuliani overcomes fear of cribs

Frasier blasts 50-cent for "acting white"

Birdwatching Romney to frolic naked in backyard in ad

Birdwatching frustration provoked Simpson to kill

Senate Republican tasered, pelted with bottles for "acting like a sucker"