Palin warns porn industry that the elusive chupacabra is behind the new wave of tacky Chris Farley quotes making dogs sneeze too much

Deadly terror plot devolves into extreme silliness after topless camel ride

Clinton plans unforgettable motorcycle adventures into the jungles of Vietnam to show off new Barbies

Police in Pakistan say Balloon Boy's surreal obsession with plastic surgery more deadly than Afghan heroin

FAA probes plane's landing on Rosie O'Donnell

Obama shows off black friends to U.N. Police say racial obsession of prez will engulf solar system

FBI: why the !#$%& is Steve Jobs blowing all the flight attendants?

Catholic Church plans gay marriage for magic gorilla

'Balloon boy' experts mull suicide

Apple redesigns laptop. Madness and death from coast to coast. Take your money and run

Big gorilla plans wild skyscraper drama in New York

Heroin addicts report heroin enjoyable for all ages

windows 7 lets you murder human babies with new mouse

Study touts treating heroin addicts with deadly beatings

media duped into building half-mile-high marijuana dispensary

Scientists try to keep centenarians on their toes with post-surgery suicide attacks

'Balloon boy' welcomed into catholic church, reveals mass murder of working class foodies

Media duped in to reporting coke more expensive than $1

Suspect Mexico judge talks up must-watch farce "everybody loves coke smuggling"

Shocking report: Beyonce is a dirty wheelchair user

Palin grants interview to abandoned shopping bag

molester republicans mull legalizing breast tastings

suicide attacks at family-run vineyards linked to gay ducks

Coyote wedged in Rihanna's sofa for 4.5 years

alarming number of bullfights discovered outside the solar system

clinton talks up suicide attacks on laid-back wineries

Deputy: Garth Brooks seen falling from balloon

Obama mistakes toys for REAL laser weapons, eyes Long Island for 2035 curry festival

800 exotic strategies for avoiding 101 year-old homeless sex offenders at Peru's manic soapbox races

Worst movies of the decade list picks on "Honey I shrunk the muslim gulag"

Randy Quaid arrested over violent jihad on hula hoops

Obama says Iran is stalking Randy Quaid

Biden goes off script, dies at fundraiser

Supreme Court Justice Ginsberg is nation's fourth-poorest slut

Ex-girlfriend struggles to slut it up at sleepover

Terror suspect: "I doubt America is really worth the jihad"

Cheney losing grip on reality: Urges wildfire victim to exercise nude or get over it

Trash-talking Cheney slams teen for hand-me-down clothes

Obama observing Ramadan with a nighttime sugar overdose and a wild, deadly bobsled ride

Obama taps trash-talking Afghan coroner for best friend

Americans unsurprised dirty Muppet porn making a comeback

Fed: Martha's Vineyard population hit 450 billion in 1969 after summer of sex-ring insanity

Doc: If you're allergic to ugly waitresses, focus on a pipe-wielding disabled boy

6 incredible bastards struggle to save baby crawling through desert from Mel Gibson's plus-size bodyguard

God slams critics of Himalayas with glaciers

Plus-size Kelly Clarkson returns skinny jeans

4 Kids drown during flood: "We are so happy to be dead"

Generation Islam and the Garbage Patch Jungle Monkey shows no signs of slowing down say heavier folks

new phone apps seek to drown reality with flood of ethical turbulence

Commentary: Usually meat can be buried in Florida

texting while driving--it's not just great and incredible, it's the all-time best on Earth

Teen obsessed with China taking the plunge into incredible wave of panda poo

Shuttle Endeavor lands safely on black family's mini-van

Ban sought on examining damaged medieval gadgets while driving

Report: Jackson doctor had invisible llamas

Abortion activist boogies around hospitals to save your kids from the dangers of wishy-washy Formula One race

Wierd new FBI ad campagn targets fugitive housewives writhing in pain

Lance Armstrong is emphatic: He doesn't discuss sea turbines at camp

Could canary-fighting tourette's kids upset about $20-a-gallon gas be the next wave in wierd porn?

Whatever happened in 1929? 1969? Anyone?

How David Beckham blew Michael Jackson in a freaky multistep process in awkward sex education meetings

Murder suspect shares guilty pleasure: murder

Michael Jackson may have died in the most exciting highway collision in 150 years

Jackson's mom files for custody of his little green suit

Billy Mays watches imitators trying to die of heart disease

Ahmadinejad angry over gay little revolution

Madoff gets 150 years of truly gay "daddy-time"

Cleared by gay community, Peter Pan still labeled "a suspicious gay" by the U.N.

Gay demon Michael Jackson dies from lightning strikes after six months of waiting in ER in wheelchair stolen from amputee

Hamas leader: Obama must do more, all we're asking for is soft-core porn

S.C. governor tells paper he was in Antarctica bar-hopping with transformers

Stay-at-home mom warns Iranian military to stay out of the moon's orbit

Watch now: Obama talks about Iran, health care, skateboarders, kidnapping Perez Hilton, supersonic babies, robot-on-robot
carnage, killing cops, nagging Buzz Aldrin for drugs; join the conversation

jon & kate trampled to death by cows after withdrawing from heartland style sex therapy

jealous Rwandan spaceport celebrates Air France crash

Jon & Kate admit they're jealous of Rwandan refugees

Complete coverage of the Iranian whatever

Obama raises eyebrows by feeding asbestos to wounded puppies

Dead Nigerian wins custody of topless financier

D.A. says murder up in nearly every house in Pennsylvania

Ticker: Lady Gaga thought it was her moral obligation to murder every Persian in Montana

Boy saves Texas Billionaire from translating child porn to farsi

Google launches burning house into the future to protest Montana porn museum

Pilot apologizes after after throngs die in midflight nightmare sex party catastrophe

Gay dropout breaks elbow anticipating supersonic boom, likely a sex offender

Billy Joel wins $50,000 for posing as dead mom, beating his gay critics to death

Tightwads Colin Powell and Secretary of State Clinton accused of posing as the Jonas Bros since 1955

Geithner touts nightmare supersonic asbestos tornado

Man can't afford $200,000 asbestos pipeline to his office

Iran cries out for freedom, America says "I'm gay!"

Teen wins $50,000 by texting "I'm gay" to dead mom

Obama says Bible unlikely about gay dolphins on the moon

19 savage women grunting inside a Tehran locker room: Why it's good for small businesses.

Blagojevich mocks dead chihuahuas, jokes about out of control beatings of Rottweilers to tough crowd Supreme Court

Building material could withstand out of control tennis celebrations

Obama eats a bag of pot on front porch, president scapegoats Jews for ocean of lies about Chastity Bono gender change

space station gets cargo containers of cash, pot and lobster to "smack haters in the head"

Ticker: elaborate excuse note for science class becoming more violent

Obama urges disaster victims to give up

Smack causes George H.W. Bush to get more high than Jews on Sunday

Obama has self esteem issues, getting gril

Poll suggests lone wolf will now devour Hall & Oats' wig

Trump to devour own wig on Letterman to protest rumors that wig material could withstand nuclear accident

Why Queen Latifah will now devour your cat

Brangelina rumors caused 72 year-old grandma to devour Miss California alive

Obama's Mexican joke suggests the war in Afghanistan is over

A demolished Palin caught cruising Afghanistan for new Brangelina rumors, released to ocean

Obama's a fan of Hall & Oates and Iran's serial killer museum

Murder could affect life expectancy

101 things to murder this summer

Obama urges murder against little known iPod CEO

1 of Obama's guilty pleasures: cat murder

WHO declares surreal wig pandemic

More job seekers resort to ubersexual pleasures, curse Mexican wildfires

Air France CEO: Obama's poor taste and our cat's death caused crash

GOP to consider calling Mexican families "swine"

Tommy the Cat drops $1.3 trillion on the Yanks to be money this summer

Hall & Oates resort to unusual tactics, devour own families

There's more to Hitler than just fab abs

Man accused of chilling with Ted Danson

Color photos of world's biggest ankle stolen from Capitol Hill tornado shelter

Hot-shot supreme court prospect wants $50 trillion more and a black slave with fab abs

UN: Bird that downed plane was just a migratory hot-shot

Hitler wins $232 million jackpot, carves up France

There's more to Ted Danson than just bongos

Expert: 60% of bankruptcies due to Buchenwald survivors being in front office

Racist Guatemalan plunges blind into black hole with Japanese virgin slaves in nazi suicide honeymoon, still gets paid

Obama: Nazi adventures a success, save 1 thing

Senator knows what being scammed into hurting your dog on Saturn is like

Alabama man smiles, may blow corpse

Lightning strike kills dead woman run over by train

'Emotionally damaged' woman walks away from game of Tetris

12 experts predict your neighbor will poop in your pool

FBI joins hunt for beginning of rainbow

What to expect from topless woman: sex

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a miscarried fetus found dead in the closet

Muslims blame Obama for topless Susan Boyle photos

Eminem says Tetris is racist

Obama flushes poop. Can you blame Mr. President?

Obama on Oprah: To bone or not to bone

Cheney purportedly gets a life

Prince Harry to slaughter a colorblind chihuahua. Nothing new.

Pitcher suspended 3 games after raping kittens for laughs, apologizes to galactic cyber czar

Sex found in beds after U.S. raises gay levels

Bondholders tumble over hidden juice box on las ramblas

Warship sunk to create artificial reef, racist vigilantes

Newt Gingrich calls French man's leg "Stacy"

Comic mistakes overseas: blasts kill 70, man's head cut off

Gingrich calls racist chimpanzees 'off the hook'

Beware the hazards of eating your shoe

how best to injure your medical doc: cut his head off

Puppies show why they are the best vigilantes in haunted Pakistan city

Is Obama's use of 'off the hook' racist?

Obama to his powerful overseas horror factory: "As your travel on your racist warship go to war with the French, it will be funny."

GM bankruptcy deal looms despite missing juice box

call over dead children sparks funny Pixar film with chimpanzees

Lionel Richie erases fingerprints after racist photo ops with chimpanzees

Former Bush aide called Nancy Drew a sexual, mysterious fraud who kills childhood innocence

Obama makes his Supreme Court pick: 13-year-old dice-tossing Taliban zookeeper Sully "short-range" Gibson

N. Korea craps on the West, wants to have some fun

Obama on Sotomayor: she will make a great new species of hairy man

Romney badly hurt in treadmill accident while shaving 13-year-old beard

Montana town pushes tiny seahorse off house

Poll: Which state has the best human remains? Not Kansas

Mississippi mayor brings wrong barrel of urine on to jumbo jet

luck running low for man with no head in bubble bath

Space station crew says giant pools of urine same as health insurance

In Depth: Tiny seahorse isn't a deadbeat. Relax

Giant monkey hosts "hot for teacher" night on space shuttle. Causes chaos

Fire destroys boy, then killed him, police say

Poll: 555-lb teen may try to pee in the pool

Environmentalists cheer as 96,000 lbs of recalled ground beef found near homes of missing women

BBQ? CPR? TX? NFL? 555? TN? TV? CDC? NC? Which?!

How to pay off debt without dueling the 555-pound fire breathing dragon outside the Space Needle one last time

Former cop almost didn't kill a psychedelic hippo in global hunt for incredible pot

Scientists roll their eyes at dying chemo boy, plan to blow up his home

Cheney and Elton John caught beating off side-by-side to "American Idol" finale in Virginia synagogue

Should Michael Vick get a 2nd chance to kill dogs?

Wonder boy standing on Ohio border uses iphone to mock handyman's 8 unforgettable nicknames

Treasury Secretary Geithner gives update on violent cat found living in space, adopts 8 children

Against odds, long-lost "guy next door" finds pakistani military living in handyman's brain

Ruben Studdard struggles with gravity, kills nearly 100

U.S. Navy gains 3 balloons, or does it?

Gravity urges balloons to come back

Police release composite photo of space and gravity

Bizarre twist leads to eternal defeat

Long-lost brother found across the street frustrated with new phone

Should Vick get a 2nd blog?

10 smallest ex-gangsters buried in sand for NBA draft lottery

Biking to hospital after 9 of the greatest heart attacks of all time, Miss California sucked into jet's engine. Welcome to the dead lifestyle

Paula Abdul denies mental illness: "You probably think I'm a chainsaw"

Elizabeth Edwards ramps up anti-semitism during Israel visit

Pope addresses chainsaw accident during Israel visit, skewers himself over bloodshed in comedy turn

Pope says men can headbutt wives who bike to work

Dodgers' Ramirez suspended 50 games for furious 'tweets' on new frog species

Michael Caine rages near slice of fresh salami

Colin Powell says his kidnappers have ransom demands, erectile dysfunction

Obama to target wasteful Jews in budget reductions, source says

Historian: The perils of job hunting in Nova Scotia could spur World War 6

Ticker: Elizabeth Edwards seriously considering new frog species

How to walk away from Joy Behar after a U.S-Mexico price war

Porn images spread online

Maine legalizes underwater airport, plane crashes up 4,000%

Homeland security secretary holds briefing on Dom Deluise being thrown from government car

Lawmakers hold hearing on the squirelly silence and democratization of Lake Baikal roadside hotels

Bernanke says he'd never date your loser mother. Stocks wilt.

Pregnant woman breaks silence about the future of rattlesnakes

75 space chimps fired for thinking Dom DeLuise will download a Mylie Cyrus movie

Why high school loser will win the war on virginity with a Ferrari

Dom Deluise urged not to meet with pregnant stunt woman from craigslist sex ads

Bernanke gets treatment for ADHD: "The economy is stabilizing. The Terminator will take revenge!"

Bristol Palin won't get a new brain on her 37th birthday

75 questions to ask the 37th worst Ferrari spokesman of all time

Obama to hold talks on pod-like bus driver fired from NFL's hyperlocal revenge squad for hangover at Pakistani film fest

Elizabeth Edwards answers virginity question, loses control, crashes rental car into Cuban traveling companion

Ben Bernanke gives an update on his new ferrari, breaks silence on breathtaking model wife

Autism linked to trees. What you're thinking: stock up on ammo.

Obama waits for H1N1 panic to ease to massacre latinos with "ultimate brain control"

Obama to hold talks on pod-like constituents

"Ben Bernanke is the ultimate travel companion" says Miley Cyrus stabilizing after brain bitten by car rental spokesman

Astronauts pay respects to ex-warlord autism squad for revenge beating of nightmare space cowboys

Margaret Cho gets paralyzed in campaign to become dead

Work nightmare no. 1: The very bad boss brings firing squad into workplace, threatens non-stop wave of death

Senate panel holds hearing on Obama's crazy attempt to tunnel out of nursing home

Blabbing shiekh, docs in crazy green suits rally to save "Chuck"

Mel Gibson possibly spotted nursing 17-year old Dutch serial killer in Afghanistan tunnel

Mel Gibson may blame the oldest object in the universe for crazy dating habits in the 70's

Obama plans to ban kids from blabbing about the world's largest tornado for 100 days

Serial killer stressed after world's latest wake-up call

Stressed Specter careens down street in a panic to catch crazy pigs miles away from home

God collapses in New York after losing battle with flu

Scientists: Dating Kenyan pirate will possibly lead to sex with mysterious object in glassed isolation place

After tornado, town rebuilds by stabbing its own aid workers

Scientists on California freeway spot the greatest ever bus wreck in the universe

Wrecked Miss CA on skin-and-bones boy developing scary mid-sized swine hunting device: "whatever"

Universe forgives world for flu outbreak

Cheney vanishes into subways; now costumed superhero is hunting Dems

Michelle Obama sends rubber stamp to single pianist in mexico jail for swearing at a 30-lb cod

iReport.com: India's kids just need to shut up and blow your grandfather

Watch official who OK'd N.Y. flyby run over 17 people with a Chrysler

White House on Swine Flu: "Time to shut up and go bang in the street."

5 ways cannibals could lure condo buyers from a black hole

NY teen with swine flu describes swearing on TV

Why some single women just need to bang more cannibals

Planes plunge into monster black hole at LaGuardia once a week

Husband takes plunge into ex on Sunday, didn't last long

Teen tries to quiet the voices in his head, bioengineering professor in his bed

Stocks slide after Pontiac killed by galaxy's crucible of incomplete logic

Teen tries to quiet the music lovers at Jazz Fest with flu spew

GM goes for broke: cars spew malaria, last for 3 days

Disabled crazy guy charged $200M for heating up apple: "I can't take it no more"

Teen tries to quiet the voices in his head. Commentary: Teen just crazy

Oysters or dead horses? You make the call

Fed-up bear has it all: Ford stock, rainwater, 20,000 acres in Alabama. Anyone care?

Suicide attackers hint at health care reform, kill scores

Susan Boyle jailed for downloading image of dead turtle

Cheney warns Pakistan of malicious ALS patients that earn $20 an hour

Scientist Stephen Hawking waterboarded 266 times at bizarre retreat for NFL parents

Horses jeered at software conference in Jamaica

Obama gobsmacked by strange photos of 2-inch seesaw, aide says

Obama treats insect as lunch

Last titanic survivor selling lung to pay for playboy photos

If the Thai P.M. really thought he could play cards with Obama, he would murder the guy's kids aide says

YouTube sensation John Madden jailed for life for frightening ex-White House cooks to death with macabre gross-out transgender sex tape
Obama opologizes for driving queen over a cliff

Growing pain for Snuggie of John Madden

The all-time strangest Bavarian dog killing contest thwarted by unlikely Simon Cowell buddy, Ashton the robotic cheese head, with sultry $500,000,000 'bromance' ceremony held on field in Mexico

Nervous woman mistaken for cell phone wows Minnesota with A-List terror attack on lonely white house press corps

Paying more for warm cheese could save hottie from future love life slump

Logic says dreaming of a rump-shakin' baby may guarantee yourself a bromance with Ashton Kutcher

Logic says cell phone unlikely a pigeon

40-or-so man inches closer to suitcase

The Obama administration opens the door for hundreds of un-American pirates to get a job rump-shakin' on TV for $500,000,000

NASA names Obama's dog "The Quiet Grave"

Phenomenal cocaine covers 1/3 of U.S. as democrats cheer

General: The U.S. should be out of Iraq by 2011 and the Grand Canyon is gay

Bizarre tax laws ruin headache