Palin warns porn industry that the elusive chupacabra is behind the new wave of tacky Chris Farley quotes making dogs sneeze too much

Deadly terror plot devolves into extreme silliness after topless camel ride

Clinton plans unforgettable motorcycle adventures into the jungles of Vietnam to show off new Barbies

Police in Pakistan say Balloon Boy's surreal obsession with plastic surgery more deadly than Afghan heroin

FAA probes plane's landing on Rosie O'Donnell

Obama shows off black friends to U.N. Police say racial obsession of prez will engulf solar system

FBI: why the !#$%& is Steve Jobs blowing all the flight attendants?

Catholic Church plans gay marriage for magic gorilla

'Balloon boy' experts mull suicide

Apple redesigns laptop. Madness and death from coast to coast. Take your money and run

Big gorilla plans wild skyscraper drama in New York

Heroin addicts report heroin enjoyable for all ages

windows 7 lets you murder human babies with new mouse

Study touts treating heroin addicts with deadly beatings

media duped into building half-mile-high marijuana dispensary

Scientists try to keep centenarians on their toes with post-surgery suicide attacks

'Balloon boy' welcomed into catholic church, reveals mass murder of working class foodies

Media duped in to reporting coke more expensive than $1

Suspect Mexico judge talks up must-watch farce "everybody loves coke smuggling"

Shocking report: Beyonce is a dirty wheelchair user

Palin grants interview to abandoned shopping bag

molester republicans mull legalizing breast tastings

suicide attacks at family-run vineyards linked to gay ducks

Coyote wedged in Rihanna's sofa for 4.5 years

alarming number of bullfights discovered outside the solar system

clinton talks up suicide attacks on laid-back wineries

Deputy: Garth Brooks seen falling from balloon

Obama mistakes toys for REAL laser weapons, eyes Long Island for 2035 curry festival

800 exotic strategies for avoiding 101 year-old homeless sex offenders at Peru's manic soapbox races

Worst movies of the decade list picks on "Honey I shrunk the muslim gulag"

Randy Quaid arrested over violent jihad on hula hoops

Obama says Iran is stalking Randy Quaid

Biden goes off script, dies at fundraiser

Supreme Court Justice Ginsberg is nation's fourth-poorest slut

Ex-girlfriend struggles to slut it up at sleepover

Terror suspect: "I doubt America is really worth the jihad"

Cheney losing grip on reality: Urges wildfire victim to exercise nude or get over it

Trash-talking Cheney slams teen for hand-me-down clothes

Obama observing Ramadan with a nighttime sugar overdose and a wild, deadly bobsled ride

Obama taps trash-talking Afghan coroner for best friend

Americans unsurprised dirty Muppet porn making a comeback

Fed: Martha's Vineyard population hit 450 billion in 1969 after summer of sex-ring insanity

Doc: If you're allergic to ugly waitresses, focus on a pipe-wielding disabled boy

6 incredible bastards struggle to save baby crawling through desert from Mel Gibson's plus-size bodyguard

God slams critics of Himalayas with glaciers

Plus-size Kelly Clarkson returns skinny jeans

4 Kids drown during flood: "We are so happy to be dead"

Generation Islam and the Garbage Patch Jungle Monkey shows no signs of slowing down say heavier folks

new phone apps seek to drown reality with flood of ethical turbulence

Commentary: Usually meat can be buried in Florida

texting while driving--it's not just great and incredible, it's the all-time best on Earth

Teen obsessed with China taking the plunge into incredible wave of panda poo

Shuttle Endeavor lands safely on black family's mini-van

Ban sought on examining damaged medieval gadgets while driving

Report: Jackson doctor had invisible llamas

Abortion activist boogies around hospitals to save your kids from the dangers of wishy-washy Formula One race

Wierd new FBI ad campagn targets fugitive housewives writhing in pain

Lance Armstrong is emphatic: He doesn't discuss sea turbines at camp

Could canary-fighting tourette's kids upset about $20-a-gallon gas be the next wave in wierd porn?

Whatever happened in 1929? 1969? Anyone?

How David Beckham blew Michael Jackson in a freaky multistep process in awkward sex education meetings

Murder suspect shares guilty pleasure: murder

Michael Jackson may have died in the most exciting highway collision in 150 years

Jackson's mom files for custody of his little green suit

Billy Mays watches imitators trying to die of heart disease

Ahmadinejad angry over gay little revolution

Madoff gets 150 years of truly gay "daddy-time"

Cleared by gay community, Peter Pan still labeled "a suspicious gay" by the U.N.

Gay demon Michael Jackson dies from lightning strikes after six months of waiting in ER in wheelchair stolen from amputee

Hamas leader: Obama must do more, all we're asking for is soft-core porn

S.C. governor tells paper he was in Antarctica bar-hopping with transformers

Stay-at-home mom warns Iranian military to stay out of the moon's orbit

Watch now: Obama talks about Iran, health care, skateboarders, kidnapping Perez Hilton, supersonic babies, robot-on-robot
carnage, killing cops, nagging Buzz Aldrin for drugs; join the conversation

jon & kate trampled to death by cows after withdrawing from heartland style sex therapy

jealous Rwandan spaceport celebrates Air France crash

Jon & Kate admit they're jealous of Rwandan refugees

Complete coverage of the Iranian whatever

Obama raises eyebrows by feeding asbestos to wounded puppies

Dead Nigerian wins custody of topless financier

D.A. says murder up in nearly every house in Pennsylvania

Ticker: Lady Gaga thought it was her moral obligation to murder every Persian in Montana

Boy saves Texas Billionaire from translating child porn to farsi

Google launches burning house into the future to protest Montana porn museum

Pilot apologizes after after throngs die in midflight nightmare sex party catastrophe

Gay dropout breaks elbow anticipating supersonic boom, likely a sex offender

Billy Joel wins $50,000 for posing as dead mom, beating his gay critics to death

Tightwads Colin Powell and Secretary of State Clinton accused of posing as the Jonas Bros since 1955

Geithner touts nightmare supersonic asbestos tornado

Man can't afford $200,000 asbestos pipeline to his office

Iran cries out for freedom, America says "I'm gay!"

Teen wins $50,000 by texting "I'm gay" to dead mom

Obama says Bible unlikely about gay dolphins on the moon

19 savage women grunting inside a Tehran locker room: Why it's good for small businesses.

Blagojevich mocks dead chihuahuas, jokes about out of control beatings of Rottweilers to tough crowd Supreme Court

Building material could withstand out of control tennis celebrations

Obama eats a bag of pot on front porch, president scapegoats Jews for ocean of lies about Chastity Bono gender change

space station gets cargo containers of cash, pot and lobster to "smack haters in the head"

Ticker: elaborate excuse note for science class becoming more violent

Obama urges disaster victims to give up

Smack causes George H.W. Bush to get more high than Jews on Sunday

Obama has self esteem issues, getting gril

Poll suggests lone wolf will now devour Hall & Oats' wig

Trump to devour own wig on Letterman to protest rumors that wig material could withstand nuclear accident

Why Queen Latifah will now devour your cat

Brangelina rumors caused 72 year-old grandma to devour Miss California alive

Obama's Mexican joke suggests the war in Afghanistan is over

A demolished Palin caught cruising Afghanistan for new Brangelina rumors, released to ocean

Obama's a fan of Hall & Oates and Iran's serial killer museum

Murder could affect life expectancy

101 things to murder this summer

Obama urges murder against little known iPod CEO

1 of Obama's guilty pleasures: cat murder

WHO declares surreal wig pandemic

More job seekers resort to ubersexual pleasures, curse Mexican wildfires

Air France CEO: Obama's poor taste and our cat's death caused crash

GOP to consider calling Mexican families "swine"

Tommy the Cat drops $1.3 trillion on the Yanks to be money this summer

Hall & Oates resort to unusual tactics, devour own families

There's more to Hitler than just fab abs

Man accused of chilling with Ted Danson

Color photos of world's biggest ankle stolen from Capitol Hill tornado shelter

Hot-shot supreme court prospect wants $50 trillion more and a black slave with fab abs

UN: Bird that downed plane was just a migratory hot-shot

Hitler wins $232 million jackpot, carves up France

There's more to Ted Danson than just bongos

Expert: 60% of bankruptcies due to Buchenwald survivors being in front office

Racist Guatemalan plunges blind into black hole with Japanese virgin slaves in nazi suicide honeymoon, still gets paid

Obama: Nazi adventures a success, save 1 thing

Senator knows what being scammed into hurting your dog on Saturn is like

Alabama man smiles, may blow corpse

Lightning strike kills dead woman run over by train

'Emotionally damaged' woman walks away from game of Tetris

12 experts predict your neighbor will poop in your pool

FBI joins hunt for beginning of rainbow

What to expect from topless woman: sex

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a miscarried fetus found dead in the closet

Muslims blame Obama for topless Susan Boyle photos

Eminem says Tetris is racist

Obama flushes poop. Can you blame Mr. President?

Obama on Oprah: To bone or not to bone

Cheney purportedly gets a life

Prince Harry to slaughter a colorblind chihuahua. Nothing new.

Pitcher suspended 3 games after raping kittens for laughs, apologizes to galactic cyber czar

Sex found in beds after U.S. raises gay levels

Bondholders tumble over hidden juice box on las ramblas

Warship sunk to create artificial reef, racist vigilantes

Newt Gingrich calls French man's leg "Stacy"

Comic mistakes overseas: blasts kill 70, man's head cut off

Gingrich calls racist chimpanzees 'off the hook'

Beware the hazards of eating your shoe

how best to injure your medical doc: cut his head off

Puppies show why they are the best vigilantes in haunted Pakistan city

Is Obama's use of 'off the hook' racist?

Obama to his powerful overseas horror factory: "As your travel on your racist warship go to war with the French, it will be funny."

GM bankruptcy deal looms despite missing juice box

call over dead children sparks funny Pixar film with chimpanzees

Lionel Richie erases fingerprints after racist photo ops with chimpanzees

Former Bush aide called Nancy Drew a sexual, mysterious fraud who kills childhood innocence

Obama makes his Supreme Court pick: 13-year-old dice-tossing Taliban zookeeper Sully "short-range" Gibson

N. Korea craps on the West, wants to have some fun

Obama on Sotomayor: she will make a great new species of hairy man

Romney badly hurt in treadmill accident while shaving 13-year-old beard

Montana town pushes tiny seahorse off house

Poll: Which state has the best human remains? Not Kansas

Mississippi mayor brings wrong barrel of urine on to jumbo jet

luck running low for man with no head in bubble bath

Space station crew says giant pools of urine same as health insurance

In Depth: Tiny seahorse isn't a deadbeat. Relax

Giant monkey hosts "hot for teacher" night on space shuttle. Causes chaos

Fire destroys boy, then killed him, police say

Poll: 555-lb teen may try to pee in the pool

Environmentalists cheer as 96,000 lbs of recalled ground beef found near homes of missing women

BBQ? CPR? TX? NFL? 555? TN? TV? CDC? NC? Which?!

How to pay off debt without dueling the 555-pound fire breathing dragon outside the Space Needle one last time

Former cop almost didn't kill a psychedelic hippo in global hunt for incredible pot

Scientists roll their eyes at dying chemo boy, plan to blow up his home

Cheney and Elton John caught beating off side-by-side to "American Idol" finale in Virginia synagogue

Should Michael Vick get a 2nd chance to kill dogs?

Wonder boy standing on Ohio border uses iphone to mock handyman's 8 unforgettable nicknames

Treasury Secretary Geithner gives update on violent cat found living in space, adopts 8 children

Against odds, long-lost "guy next door" finds pakistani military living in handyman's brain

Ruben Studdard struggles with gravity, kills nearly 100

U.S. Navy gains 3 balloons, or does it?

Gravity urges balloons to come back

Police release composite photo of space and gravity

Bizarre twist leads to eternal defeat

Long-lost brother found across the street frustrated with new phone

Should Vick get a 2nd blog?

10 smallest ex-gangsters buried in sand for NBA draft lottery

Biking to hospital after 9 of the greatest heart attacks of all time, Miss California sucked into jet's engine. Welcome to the dead lifestyle

Paula Abdul denies mental illness: "You probably think I'm a chainsaw"

Elizabeth Edwards ramps up anti-semitism during Israel visit

Pope addresses chainsaw accident during Israel visit, skewers himself over bloodshed in comedy turn

Pope says men can headbutt wives who bike to work

Dodgers' Ramirez suspended 50 games for furious 'tweets' on new frog species

Michael Caine rages near slice of fresh salami

Colin Powell says his kidnappers have ransom demands, erectile dysfunction

Obama to target wasteful Jews in budget reductions, source says

Historian: The perils of job hunting in Nova Scotia could spur World War 6

Ticker: Elizabeth Edwards seriously considering new frog species

How to walk away from Joy Behar after a U.S-Mexico price war

Porn images spread online

Maine legalizes underwater airport, plane crashes up 4,000%

Homeland security secretary holds briefing on Dom Deluise being thrown from government car

Lawmakers hold hearing on the squirelly silence and democratization of Lake Baikal roadside hotels

Bernanke says he'd never date your loser mother. Stocks wilt.

Pregnant woman breaks silence about the future of rattlesnakes

75 space chimps fired for thinking Dom DeLuise will download a Mylie Cyrus movie

Why high school loser will win the war on virginity with a Ferrari

Dom Deluise urged not to meet with pregnant stunt woman from craigslist sex ads

Bernanke gets treatment for ADHD: "The economy is stabilizing. The Terminator will take revenge!"

Bristol Palin won't get a new brain on her 37th birthday

75 questions to ask the 37th worst Ferrari spokesman of all time

Obama to hold talks on pod-like bus driver fired from NFL's hyperlocal revenge squad for hangover at Pakistani film fest

Elizabeth Edwards answers virginity question, loses control, crashes rental car into Cuban traveling companion

Ben Bernanke gives an update on his new ferrari, breaks silence on breathtaking model wife

Autism linked to trees. What you're thinking: stock up on ammo.

Obama waits for H1N1 panic to ease to massacre latinos with "ultimate brain control"

Obama to hold talks on pod-like constituents

"Ben Bernanke is the ultimate travel companion" says Miley Cyrus stabilizing after brain bitten by car rental spokesman

Astronauts pay respects to ex-warlord autism squad for revenge beating of nightmare space cowboys

Margaret Cho gets paralyzed in campaign to become dead

Work nightmare no. 1: The very bad boss brings firing squad into workplace, threatens non-stop wave of death

Senate panel holds hearing on Obama's crazy attempt to tunnel out of nursing home

Blabbing shiekh, docs in crazy green suits rally to save "Chuck"

Mel Gibson possibly spotted nursing 17-year old Dutch serial killer in Afghanistan tunnel

Mel Gibson may blame the oldest object in the universe for crazy dating habits in the 70's

Obama plans to ban kids from blabbing about the world's largest tornado for 100 days

Serial killer stressed after world's latest wake-up call

Stressed Specter careens down street in a panic to catch crazy pigs miles away from home

God collapses in New York after losing battle with flu

Scientists: Dating Kenyan pirate will possibly lead to sex with mysterious object in glassed isolation place

After tornado, town rebuilds by stabbing its own aid workers

Scientists on California freeway spot the greatest ever bus wreck in the universe

Wrecked Miss CA on skin-and-bones boy developing scary mid-sized swine hunting device: "whatever"

Universe forgives world for flu outbreak

Cheney vanishes into subways; now costumed superhero is hunting Dems

Michelle Obama sends rubber stamp to single pianist in mexico jail for swearing at a 30-lb cod

iReport.com: India's kids just need to shut up and blow your grandfather

Watch official who OK'd N.Y. flyby run over 17 people with a Chrysler

White House on Swine Flu: "Time to shut up and go bang in the street."

5 ways cannibals could lure condo buyers from a black hole

NY teen with swine flu describes swearing on TV

Why some single women just need to bang more cannibals

Planes plunge into monster black hole at LaGuardia once a week

Husband takes plunge into ex on Sunday, didn't last long

Teen tries to quiet the voices in his head, bioengineering professor in his bed

Stocks slide after Pontiac killed by galaxy's crucible of incomplete logic

Teen tries to quiet the music lovers at Jazz Fest with flu spew

GM goes for broke: cars spew malaria, last for 3 days

Disabled crazy guy charged $200M for heating up apple: "I can't take it no more"

Teen tries to quiet the voices in his head. Commentary: Teen just crazy

Oysters or dead horses? You make the call

Fed-up bear has it all: Ford stock, rainwater, 20,000 acres in Alabama. Anyone care?

Suicide attackers hint at health care reform, kill scores

Susan Boyle jailed for downloading image of dead turtle

Cheney warns Pakistan of malicious ALS patients that earn $20 an hour

Scientist Stephen Hawking waterboarded 266 times at bizarre retreat for NFL parents

Horses jeered at software conference in Jamaica

Obama gobsmacked by strange photos of 2-inch seesaw, aide says

Obama treats insect as lunch

Last titanic survivor selling lung to pay for playboy photos

If the Thai P.M. really thought he could play cards with Obama, he would murder the guy's kids aide says

YouTube sensation John Madden jailed for life for frightening ex-White House cooks to death with macabre gross-out transgender sex tape
Obama opologizes for driving queen over a cliff

Growing pain for Snuggie of John Madden

The all-time strangest Bavarian dog killing contest thwarted by unlikely Simon Cowell buddy, Ashton the robotic cheese head, with sultry $500,000,000 'bromance' ceremony held on field in Mexico

Nervous woman mistaken for cell phone wows Minnesota with A-List terror attack on lonely white house press corps

Paying more for warm cheese could save hottie from future love life slump

Logic says dreaming of a rump-shakin' baby may guarantee yourself a bromance with Ashton Kutcher

Logic says cell phone unlikely a pigeon

40-or-so man inches closer to suitcase

The Obama administration opens the door for hundreds of un-American pirates to get a job rump-shakin' on TV for $500,000,000

NASA names Obama's dog "The Quiet Grave"

Phenomenal cocaine covers 1/3 of U.S. as democrats cheer

General: The U.S. should be out of Iraq by 2011 and the Grand Canyon is gay

Bizarre tax laws ruin headache

Hang on to your pistachios, hundreds of insane crabs will visit Maine bubble gum store in 2009

Gay Navy Seals flocking to walmart for cocaine

Is the new presidential pooch suppressing emails from the dead?

Mom: Bullies drove son to snag land speed record and take over the pentagon

Jesus may have been white supremacist

Three-quarters favor relations with Fawcett's dog

1 in 3 dead cops died to escape bad quality waffles

Poll: Three-quarters favor bombing Antarctic job fairs

America's 10 most respected robotic Jesus victims offer free firetruck to killer baby

Miley Cyrus dress made from baby fat brings attention to getting healthy

Did Phelps' mom change name to "Bong king Zakaria"?

PETA asks pet shop boys to wait in the van

Two-legged Nazi fed up with waffles

The healing powers of tax forms help "Jesus" co-creator monitor Antarctic music video site

Obama subs in for Jesus at the Masters while he and Megan McCain chase Mr. Right for 8 days at Disney

Jesus tried to cuss Obama-style while bombing Vatican City

Italian soldiers take over the Masters, begin fly-fishing for seals

Tiny arkansas man stands, sits . . . waffles on bombing of Vatican City

Cops yank waffles out of tiny coffin--for free

Best Jesus ever sets land speed record

Robotic white supremacist brings attention to the blahs of fly-fishing

Nazi soldiers regret italian help

Fed up Pope Benedict XVI to cuss out Saudi pet shop at funeral of "Dungeons & Dragons" co-creator

Offensive Miley Cyrus is grounded for new disturbing land speed record

Twister in Arkansas inspires The Pet Shop Boys to release killer bees at funeral

White supremacist Rove calls Biden fried chicken: "Bow to the killer bees . . ."

Oops! Sarah Palin blows Levi Johnson during relations

Obscene chihuahua assisting FBI in hostage negotiations

Enthusiasts heartbroken after First Lady's reaction to debate over America's 98 most mysterious sports drinks: "they're all the same"

Report: Sophisticated sex may be bad for prostitutes

First come babies, then a volcano-roasted grandma, then a time lapse video of the war in Afghanistan . . . maybe

Report: The Lord part human, part comedian. Wants you to call him "the Church machine"

Out-of-wedlock gunman fires 4,756 shots at first lady's techno-dancing android in about a minute

Report: Teeth linked to mouth

Twelve funny excuses for why Obama should battle pirates with a pillow between thousands of tigers and a volvano

Urinating crime writer guardedly optimistic about didgeridoo concert

Miley Cyrus belches to save the planet

Blagojevich running for NATO's top job: "You get to feel a lot of kids"

2 million Korean kids lost in New York tub

Eva Longoria admits sex with ghost bad: "You can't feel a lot down there"

Madonna forgets she strangled Miley Cyrus, chokes her ghost

Miley Cyrus calls for occult battle with killer volcano

GM exec on beheading: No thanks

Hundreds feared insane after a naked Cafferty wanders into city's streets to throttle french workers

study: popular kids on drugs

Hang on to your pistachios, hundreds of insane crabs will visit Maine bubble gum store in 2009

Julia Roberts buried alive in Boston for using Nazi tricks to create bad lobster rolls

Obama tricks Charles Manson in to going to a Battlestar Galactica party in Iran

Americans OK with bailout for dead birds'

Billions of homeless going on expensive spring break to save money

Does using toxic coal for party confetti stop the fun?

10 ways to stop the hugs from your mom

How Obama spends his alone time: hugs a Nazi, gets a tattoo of Julia Roberts on spring break, does prescription drugs with Elliot Spitzer

Nazi planes to fly again with japanese, Austria head to U.S. "The fun doesn't have to stop"

Wal-mart gives $933 million to Charles Manson

"Put Oprah in a deli container" Geithner tweets

In purported new message Bin Laden admits to role in Mayer Aniston split

Stocks tumble after Obama's announcement of government "money burn pit"

AIG chief calls newborn clinging to shuttle during liftoff "distasteful"

Family visits pope after condoms found in dryer

Computer model predicts Palin to fill cellar with frozen food

Cheney videotaped rapping about 88 ways to shave your junk parts after 2 months in Mexico jail

Humbled astronaut encounters Don Imus in incest dungeon beating off on lucky chief justice for 3 days in a row

Bernard Madoff's interest in Space shuttle wanes after videotaped beating of yuppie astronaut

FDA hazy on safety of lynching your girlfriend

27 Turkish warplanes from the 1980's you can't afford to skimp on

Ex-president of Israel marries 3-day old girlfriend

Police keep public aware of super-rich Korean paramedics partying about new iron rod museum

Congressman questioned for shaking CNBC's Cramer to death

Woman to marry shark after researchers warn her cat was on Twitter

Obama: "I loved to ham it up with the homeless in the 1980s"

Can partying and using pot at the edge of a volcano save the economy?

Hulk Hogan slings barbs face-to-face with Girl Scout drinking wiper fluid

Tough roadside dogs from Texas steel town learn to handle 1980's dating dillemmas

Democrats to Obama: Call Canada's motorists losers

What to do if you're a Taliban getting laid

Dutchman ditches doctors, dodges dating dilemmas

How getting laid kills your sex life

How hiring a Dutchman to crash your car would fix the economy

What to do if your face cracks: Buy another

Canada's dogs learn to panic over economy

Madoff cracks at trial: "I operated on a whale, not a volcano! You losers!"

Laid off? Your mom is hiring... for hot sex

Ex-millionaire now has to live with parents in space over Mexico with no health insurance in the 1980's

Town pulls together for killing rampage

"killer dogs from space" a major part of the bible, pastor says

Tough roadside dogs from Texas steel town learn to handle 1980's dating dillemmas

Democrats to Obama: Call Canada's motorists

Madoff: I operated a jail for sex offenders in space

Discovery launch delayed for 6 day drinking rampage at Kennedy Space Center

Study says 1 in 50 kids wrapped in duct tape then sent to uzbek lakefront homes for conference on international marraige law

Obama says U.S. selling everything to Australia for just $1

All-time great photos of 50 year-old chinese woman's gag toy training

Pentagon says US getting killed by grown-ups "unhappily ever after" relationships

Tough interview questions: "You ever play barack-paper-scissors, interview scribe?"

report rules out foul play in shooting murder with bullets of 12 kids

Obama to reverse Bush policy on surprising Ted Kennedy on second life

casino underwhelmed by $1 bets

Need a job? The hell with you.

Unemployed place their bets on $1 billion jewel heist

Schoolbus driver pummeled by $1 billion in pennies

Potential skank ready for cocaine

Hell underwhelmed by skank

Can Chris Brown's luxury toilet seat help the unemployed hunt a baby elephant in Zimbabwe?

Iraq to stay upbeat in face of morbid rape of Michael Jackson

Troops boldly enter schoolbus plagued by iFarts

Spacecraft blasts off in search of cocaine

Obama hosts Q&A with teen hid in school ceiling on spending $1 on idiotic new music site

sex-at-school barbie too pricey for some idiotic parents

Horror of burn pain big surprise for bus driver still on fire after crash

Man shot dead about to announce comeback, but how? Is he dead? Maybe. Shouldn't you move if you're not dead. No.

Mom in coma wakes after getting hit by asteroid

Obama impersonator mocks Obama

New poll says homeowners don't mind if you abuse Rihanna

Spring breakers skip Cancun for Mexico prison riot

Boaters face smart baby with bullets going 100mph in open water

Consumer expert: How to attack, rape and kill your bus driver

Thousands of jobs open if you don't mind filming Robin Williams rape a baby

Poll: rape of children in coma spells trouble for Jindal

Obama will name new NFL Franchise the Cancun Same-Sex Moose Mysteries

Limbaugh will name new NHL team the West Bank Delicious Palestinian Spit

Dow closes at lowest point in 17,000 years, chest hair becomes a luxury, US tries again to nationalize bird poop

CNN overplays hand, presents time-lapse video of powerful Jessica Simpson poop blast

Search begins for sex toy stuck in commerce secretary

300 dead after Treasury unveils "jetliner crash test" for Wall Street banks

Mom accused of using twitter to track birds

Ticker: Childless Jindal has no life

Obama calls for 12 alien Jesus to travel through galaxy in SUV and mock online dating

Jindal mistakes dramatic crash picture for picture of swimsuit models

Analysis: Galaxy may be full of bitter irresponsible Jesuses

Jesuses from hell may form gangs after dramatic call to arms at 2009 surf championships

Dead grandma in hell becomes face of stimulus bill

Obama wifeless and childless after 9-time world puppy snipefest champ makes mistakes

Poll: Sober college freshman are cowards

Neighborhood watches as Nasa humanely blasts hungry mammoth with magic lasers

Killing of 7 oscar nominees just start of Clinton's mockery of Hollywood dream

Poll: 3 of 4 Americans fearful of touchy-feely Milwaukee bean counters

To save economy Obama unveils first potato soft drink

Al Gore woos political adversaries with hurtful mockery of sight-impaired kids

Al gore angry at Oscar nominees after no coverage for 40 days adrift at sea for Bollywood picture

Unthinkable cowards in north korea plead to government for clean water

Leaked photo appears to show intact plant

5 pros and 7 cons of wiggly housemates

3 warned 5 and 7 before murder of 9

Rihanna's family hopes she invites klansmen to the old ball game

Nonexistent family of 5 question reality of housemates

Study: Canadians can be blinded by darts, acid

Study shows U.S. a nation of soulless cowards

Obama befuddles Republicans with racist seesaw fiasco on U.S. base in Kyrgyzstan

Dying man who had history of smiling in the face of eczema befuddles critics with oddball opinions on jailbreaking canadians

Netanyahu tells parents "stuff me like a fish", drops to belly

Beheaded woman mortified by back taxes

More pressure on homeless chimps to fight pirates in fierce tug-of-war

Oral sex at work could solve economic crisis

Hilarious homeless man swipes your kidney

SI swimsuit models reverse policy on oral sex with sad and alone loser star wars fans

Taxi driver told to slow down

Historians rate chimp attack best part of Bible

A-Rod admits abstinence ruins living with SI Cover model Bar Rafaeli

The dark side of a cholera epidemic: Hollywood stars with cellulite

Obama beheads beloved Hollywood dolphin in dark side of stimulus bill

Realistic UFO forced Obama to quit worsening the self-esteem of Bristol Palin with mauling of face

A-rod calls undersea burial "an eye-opener"

face transplant victim watches Taliban take over her beloved dolphin

Historians say Lincoln had a surreal experience taking whales to shark museum

Obama admits $9.2 billion in stimulus for undersea mansions a vicious fraud, "now for a month of living perfectly: tea, xanax and stupid tic-tacs"

Trump found drunk on UFO fighting over space casino bankruptcy with green creatures

Video: See Jeff Probst's nose erupt from cold virus. Mmmmm!

Inside friend-padding kids' sadistic crusade to slip Tylenol into Jeff Probst's wallet

Feds think they may have creeped out swimsuit models with worm surgery videos

Obama to wear nothing but paint in interview with right-wing kids' arson crew on Friday

Witnesses saw and heard man help himself to some duty-free chocolate.

ireporters remember introducing kids to sadistic horror killer in elevator shaft

Senate votes to push canned "Sesame Street" celebs down elevator shaft

Octomom celebrating Lincoln's birthday by introducing veterans to sadistic tech gurus

Shuttle lands safely in bloody crash

Scientists unveil pics of nation's first athiest kitten

Obama tries to explain Jenga to Afghan girl for 7 days straight, girl begs for bread

Europe celebrates sending totally straight Nazi dude to fix Spitzer's call girl a drink

Can Obama handle ditching his kids for Lincoln's PS3?

Bush signs $150M bill to extend worldwide investigation in to week 12 NFL fumbles

Obama bribes pirates to survive Thanksgiving prank calls

Obama's murder of America's most qualified astronauts every 40 hours perplexes police

Jobless mom tells Obama's economic team Tori Spelling is wicked autistic

Obama finds Palin dead in Bangkok airport after torture-by-Manilow

The 25 most unusual electrocutions at the Amy Winehouse Thanksgiving food drive

Barbara Bush hospitalized for Wackyville TURGOODUCCOCHIQUA Karzai zoo chaos

celibate Thanksgiving advocate thought impregnated duck was a turkey, gets shot

CNN Heroes: Ordinary people, extraordinary abortions

Historically durable polar bear costumes, nuclear blasts add chaos to Bush Thanksgiving turkey pardon

Feds say Al Qaeda made a terrific turkey for $1.47? For real? Stop.

Missing arm won't mean less cheese

Surreal scene at wife's Obama event as Bill Clinton says "Obama has shot himself in the face, no way to stop us." names himself the world's most best husband of all time.

Ricki Lake hasn't been told that demand for her surreal Walmart shopping guide inspired by against-the-grain Star Trek robots is to blame for the world's most heinous attacks on an accomplished Thai mall guard eating the second costliest tuna on the Virginia interstate since '07

Obama has complete confidence that in time the Constitution will say robots with eating issues can't make a Hollywood comedy about saving a TV anchor's long distance love from shopping in the best Canadian airport of all-time

Shuttle lands safely in bloody crash

Bill Clinton links death, chaos, slayings, insanity, genocide, bloody murder, biological terror attacks and heinous casualties, to 'Rosie Live' episode on Cambodia's airport security

Jimmy Carter dies of jet lag after cracking a Dr. Pepper at Nazi rally on Mars

Sneaky O.J. to murder family--again--to death

Bill Clinton, Guns N' Roses agree tainted milk just OK

Bill Gates tried to drug Palin's mother and warn Cambodia's Nazi slaves about why China is not interested in the future of buying Dr. Pepper for a buck at Wal-Mart

Sneaky tourists that tried to celebrate the holidays in Florida sentenced to death

Christian Amanpour elbows celeb bear Knut in a jealous rage, calls him a "spectacle of evil"

Ex-FBI agent says K-Fed "210,000=15,350" remark doesn't make sense

mentally ill al qaeda rep faces 30 billion years for role in sister's exposure to best-selling Bratz iphone app

Britney dazzles Al Qaeda at 'Genocide for Peace' shows

Seven steps to a smarter post-Katrina mob hit

NHL star sorry for crude slaughter of 210,000 spindly automakers

10 great places to die on Christmas

Lil Wayne hangs up on Obama in a jealous rage after crude squid remark

Tricky automakers power cars with legs

Obama blindsided by invasion of 210,000 mentally-ill bears with depression on Capital Hill

10 great places to hit your girlfriend. No. 1: the face

Car dealers get creative, plan the best snuff movie of 2008

Inauguration planners sick of Obama: 'The big nobody is annoying and unsanitary'

Honest OJ is going to jail. Are you happy, Anniston?

Atheists sick of anti-God nativity scene

Bush to replace Congress with naked nativity scene

O.J. acknowledges he is going to murder 25 people over the holidays, but who?

O.J. Simpson's mom urges Montenegro to produce more black astronauts

Analysis: Obama ignored stupid people for top posts

Bush urges stupid people to 'fess up for WWII

Making the most of stupid not-so-jolly WWII genocide pix

Doctor's stupid? I'm sorry angry citizen. Here's mold.

Caroline Kennedy to replace Latinos with antacids in new "Monument to anything"

Unusual fifth grader asks Dow Chemical for monkey meat for third day

Obama's shocking--and legal--attacks on baby congressman feed public desire for death and casualties

Obama still must fill key positions, possibly with foiled Greek pirates and resourceful 9/11 conspirators

Meryl Streep wants to get really, really scary cow off her chest, change blouse

Blagojevich's hands to be shown to delusional hooker on CNN, Thursday, 9 p.m.

Obama says mom's environmentalism could cost her her hands

Obama to send awkward fembot to hunt for Santa Clause in Afghanistan

Grieving dad surprises son, 8, in class with Viagra

Obama almost slaps relative's son engaged in sports magazine for missing the good NFL draft commentary

Gun-toting Blagojevich found in Somalia wearing only a tie: "existence is not funny"

Worst review ever baffles Germany's history museum: "What is a holocaust anyway?"

Steelers playing like a team of jobless 6-year-old redneck free spirits

Cheney on Iraq: Wierd face transplant kid, it's your fault

Time Person of the Year: Baffled puppy named Hitler in Mekong

Scientists baffled by health benefits of this year's most depressing Hitler cake

Obama, brimming with holiday spirit, strangles grieving cancer boy in gingerbread home without depressing winter visitors

Dozens of dead children draw jeers in New York for logjam on train

How would you rate this year's acorn shortage? Paula Abdul says 75, Lieberman says 20

Without poisoned medicine, how will your kids get high?

Is murder healthy for your kids?

Obama seeking more ice for soda

Baffled Obama calls newborn's sentence "semantic homicide"

Bush announces $13 billion bailout for video game spoofs

Banning belly dancers in tacky holiday pants suits mourning Micky Rourke's MacWorld bathroom booze mistake is just Blagojevich being Blagojevich

New heads a windfall for headless victims

Funny math gets Nobel Laureate shot

If he could Schwarzenegger would pay mom $3.99 to inflict pain on grandparents with big drill, huge fireball

Icy snow-ice icing melting fireball to warm up

New technology could inflict pain in victims heads

Harrison Ford tests "nipple rule" at Travolta son's funeral

Obama giving up on stimulus vote, wants more witchcraft, tourist traps, and mobster pirates to fix economy

Trip to Iran reveals you may have the chutzpah to be more racist than Todd Rundgren after all

quirky dad spoofs children who can't breathe in his car

Next trip back in time for quirky indiana furniture billionaire: shooting JFK

Rare subway kayak hits Todd Rundgren in the back: "I can't breathe"

Another first for the Obama White House: Hanky panky at kids' birthday parties. Sword-swinging woman to 13-year-old: "See the nipples? Give me the money!"

Inventor shot dead by surprised cop after misbehaving Segway shifts into reverse at Detroit Auto Show

On-air cruelty to cat and rape of defiant billionaire pirate rocks "view" set

Snarky experts tell cnn peanut butter linked to bitter cold temperatures in Midwest

Obama condemns "comic deathtraps" after banana in wife's grip explodes

Court orders White House to eat peanut butter crackers during senate bailout vote

The untold story of how Bush jailed 10 million teens in same night for hot Legoland sex party

Microsoft slashes 5,000 guy-friends

Obama defends wretched nazi knife attack fantasy

FDA brings belgian model's fantasy to life, decapitates Nashville work-from-home transit cop

Should your wife have hands?

Popularity of throwback Nazi camp hits Antarctica study finds

Developing story: Obama wants monster truck to fight giant Dutch breastfeeding freak

Japan workers told to go home and kill some children

Does giant marble head of Joe Torre in Gaza Home Depot still make sense?

Obama quits after scrotum stretch punishment for dangerously silly banana joke

Obama says Ali Velshi must stop absurd interview with nation's caterpillars

zero earthquakes felt near new england

Iraqis build surprise monument to look-alike of Blagojevich's winter-loving cat

Watch now: Disgraced pastor Haggard appears ready to blow a crying Roethlisberger

Get the family you kidnapped to seriously negotiate about making switch to digital TV

Nightmarish chaos evokes another well-known issue

Electric cars require horses, group says

Passers-by remove 12 ridiculous items from energetic man dying in Volcano

obama removes 12 zeroes from ridiculous number, stops laughing

Many dying in the street this winter without Stonehenge porn

$385,000 of chocolate removed from Obama's vagina

Republicans show muscle with Girl Scout cookie-pushing to pot-smoking kids

Are 8 babies on fire enough to keep Chicago warm?

Will squirm-inducing boy with autism blow up on YouTube? Obama waits, watches

Pot-smoking Nazi war criminal Tom Daschle says back off to CNN

Is bitter, long-tailed circus elephant in Mongolia the new Ashley Judd?

A trillion manatees found frozen to death on screwed up Hispanic woman's plate

GOP senator outraged by overpaid volcano's wasteful eruption, "If only we'd listened to my dog Larry"

Senators debate massive castration of Somalia's most unhappy Justic Ginsburg imposters

Terrifying puppy, last seen rebuilding White House on Bourbon Street, Italy's new president

Obama readies U.S. for assault on Milky Way

Crowds pack charred Beijing Starbucks for new "horse-in-a-tree jokes"

Why A-Rod was smart to blame cannibalizing for disappearance of 20 Muppets

Honest abe lincoln says he's so cool he's pieced together an illegal steroid rifle assault team and he's not looking for dialogue with other presidents

What got cut from stimulus bill: $100 for new war with China

Obama postpones topless drinking in the ruins of a texas peanut plant on Friday for some crucial sleep

Hudson hero pilot unveils $838 billion steroid habit

For happiness, muppets badly assault illegal immigrants

Bank papers shredded by drinking buddy, then girl scout places cat in the ruins and sells it for just $838 billion

Treasury unveils $100 "horse-in-a-tree" stamps. Some call the new stamps surprising but say the treasury still has more questions to answer

Some lawmakers call topless dancer a fishy, do nothing, horse-in-a-tree spy

The price of a Milky Way bar changing to $838 billion

A-Rod freaks out, unveils badly charred ruins of Lincoln Memorial

Obama chokes homeless woman with scarf: "burn in hell you fraud," tosses newborn into lake to scare off birds

Unpretentious newborn offers to burn in hell for 53 years for $76 of stimulus aid, claims he means it this time

Fierce Brett Favre tosses eggs into house, senate: "I hate the stimulus, burn in hell"

Airport uses the fires of hell to scare off poor Sirius subscribers

Drugged out magician announces awful day of meat pies and anti-semitism to mark 13th day of MLB's violent mourning ritual for controversial Vegas pope

END OF THE YEAR NEWS BASH!

Poll: Americans OK with raping Hitler post-Soviet style... drugged and in a schoolgirl uniform

Obama to team up with KKK for $80,000 bin Laden birthday bash and welcomes world to the party

Poll: Americans OK with Palin being drugged, left in McDonalds bathroom

After a year of raping and looting Connecticut KKK style, "Hannah Montana" ready to die

10 arrested for post-Soviet style snuggles at Supreme Court initiation rite, say police

Obama's team may include dejected supremacists

Palin thanking second opinion of health scientists, says she's finally OD'd on flu shots

U.S. reviewing policy on Lisa Bonet, deny death plot

Simon Cowell dies from self-inflicted push

Anonymous child linked to hot dog buns

Violent video games keep lawyer killed by gunfire alive

Obama saves girl from singing AC/DC to mom with historic public torture at Phillies rally

How will Zombies affect NBA's 63rd season?

Bikini-clad NFL stars no match for killer Colombian rebels

Palin dismayed by rumors of tough times in the GOP job market, chains self to Alaska Governor's mansion

U.S. official confirms silly rumors of whales procrastinating worldwide

Researchers may have found Charles Barkley connecting phone in home

Stevens to Alaska voters: "Your governor is a notorious, stinky low life. Fire me. No, murder me."

How to stop spies from running out of beer

Palin delivering stinky cheese, dozens of lazy child prostitutes to infamous Zimbabwe cable provider, aides gripe

Midwest high school copes with drunken gay firing squad scare

U.S. in the midst of "Halloween fun" Greenspan says

Phillies' memorable game 1 inspires WIlliam Shatner to chloroform beached killer whale near San Francisco

Catholics worried the rocket car is faster than a horse

In angry flier prescreening, strip search of Obama leads to amputation of legs

3 out of 4 Americans scared of Anne Hathaway's destructive impatience

Poll: 3 out of 4 Afghan aid workers scared that Greg, Marcia Brady wanted to destroy the moon in 1929

Joe the Plumber has romance explosion/STD for Palin

Poll finds Americans hope your STD burns

Commentary: U.S. should have tighter porn stars

Obama stabs self for failing to smile at Colin Powell's endorsement

106-year old overwhelmed by bad first 100 years, decides to kill self

Fat kid endorses food

Obama slammed for knife rampage over calculator trouble

Spacecraft to probe edge of Ali Larter's dog

Joe the plumber finally leaves U.S. for edge of solar system

McCain: "I love being thirsty"

Fey decides to kill Palin on SNL for bad impression of a calculator

Explosion survivor hints that 4 fingers not enough

Cheney's abnormal heart rhythm fractures chihuahua's pelvis

Bernanke tells 5th grader "Recovery will take time, now shut up." threatens murder

Freak accident proves Obama may be on Mars

What's wrong with being Muslim when you are drunk and in flames?

Trump: Bush deserved to be drunk in 2005

What Marcia Brady says about your career in Muslim porno: "Be yourself, what's wrong with muslim porno?"

Is Obama taking Mark Wahlberg's pelvis for granted?

CNN reveals how to be a real life incredible shrinking Thai kickboxing champ with no catchphrase

McCain Obama to emit incredible 13-month squeal for 3rd debate

Analysis: Palin needs to watch porno or shut the hell up

Less predictable Obama says "My new name is Tim Peterson" to 2 jews waiting at a bus stop

Biden survives outdated breastfeeding lectures.

3 experts on market crisis: What the hell?! No! Make it stop!

He-man faces gay backlash for doing cyndi lauper

Michelle Obama not offended by racist homicide of U.S. kindergartners

CNN announces Top 10 race-baiting cactus thieves of the future

McCain, Obama say they will surrender to "sweet" future race of whales

Conservative lawmakers ask McCain how to hide from people with down syndrome

Hooray, David "Gotcha" Gergen reportedly punches Bill Clinton after candy found in Prius. Oh yes.

Gore calls for candy makers to put Paul Newman's head in the freezer

Desperate holocaust victim going back to auschwitz to find a job

Scarlett Johanssen debates getting a cheesesteak in nova scotia

Bush found in disarray skywalking to weird primeval music

McCain buries car in sand, wants a cookie

Bush hitches ride on crab, worries "we're going to implode"

Breaking news: These guys shot these two other guys in Philadelphia

Experts scared of mad tourists after Large Hadron Collider accident. Sources: France blown to pieces

Your cheap tie sickens Obama

McCain on son arrested on drug charges: "What took so long? The boy's a pill huffing cop-killer"

Devastated Ike-surviving homeowners find little comfort in Pakistani gunbattle

Poll: kittens act like Pakistani bombing suspects

Ron Paul calls Bush his "latino honeymoon boy"

Veterans to soldiers: "Microsoft? It's doomed"

McCain retires "murder your dogs" campaign ad

Bush: "We must fix the crisis". Bush to google "economy"

Bush to army: It's ok to murder latino folks now

Source: Jealous Bush beat Palin's new cat to death to soothe fears of "morphing creatures". Bush to Palin: "Get over this immediately"

Service texts you questions about your father in a jealous rage

Four Maitre D's bicker over the popularity of rice in Zimbabwe town-hall 13 months after Heidi Klum washes her cat in NYC building

Rescuers free "miracle cat" from toilet. Rescuers beat "miracle cat" to death.

Bush fears death, plans to die on toilet

Is your cat jealous of the amish, or is it autism?

How grizzly bears morphing in to lizards could mess up Fashion Week

Bush seeks to soothe economy with 13 months of forced slavery for hurricane victims

Rove says sex with grizzly bears is worth the death

Bush on edge, answers "grizzly bears" to any question, Rove says

New study says you will die a slow death standing in a bloody mess as your cat answers your texts

Hillary Clinton ditching the moustache for Turkish porno

128 Billion reasons Mr. Rogers was the fattest ballerina ever

Drivers cut commutes by shooting Halle Berry

Fire near Branson's moustache destroys 117,000 billion miles of unusual beaches

New movie full of bits of stuff

Woman kills herself for free stuff

Study: Death quite a situation

America's math skills may be numbered

Good news for McCain: A ghost taught math to bears

Numbered stuff: "I'm math"

How to squeeze more heroin and murder into your kid stories

Math: We cannot afford to be divided

Obama calls girls chests in waffle house "embarassing"

Salman Rushdie almost accused of using sawdust

Larry King pummels ancient sea scorpion behind Christmas tree for misleading his kids on the recession

McCain drops the N-word 9 times during rocket launch

Biden blasts McCain as "middle class" near his 3 homes in Barcelona: "Have your son fix the Biden family jet"

Al Gore feeling pressure to cut down on n-word at the pump

Paris Hilton joke blamed for raging meltdown of nature, gravity morphing into formula you've never seen

How to avoid bears after death

Obama found in trash can, lashes out "Back off!"

China to lift ban on beating Paul McCartney's new girlfriend to death

God to field questions from media on bees, death

Study suggests grizzly bears could have wings

Video shows candidates slammed to the floor, rushed to Yellowstone to balance nature

McCain suggests trash can in White House is alive

Palin cancels event over infant's cough. The middle class "sickens" Alaska gov.

Palin blamed dwarfs for Wall Street crisis

Cindy McCain to field questions from Al Qaeda on Paul McCartney's cough on "The View"

Palin tries intentional weight gain to avoid thong exposure

Study suggests U.S. gas stations intentional

Bad eggs blamed for U.S. Embassy attack

Piglets rushed to U.S. embassy, overwhelm 3

Middle class found alive in Texas trash can

6 ways to attack greedy dwarfs with eggs

O.J. acknowledges murder of teen on Sunday far too casual, owes parents an apology

New vid of Obama limping to Venezuelan prison to pay for 401(k) sparks devastating panic, armageddons of fury

Why infants still die from 22-foot wall of toxic powder, manslaughter

Poll: Carlos Delgado must win the NL MVP or God will end the world this week

McCain topples over dead pig on way to car. McCain: "I thought there was no pig"

Study accuses Jesus of eating your face

Why star athletes should avoid eating meat found in graveyard

Ever wonder if Kim Jong Il is laughing at your Facebook connections?

Lance Armstrong to race "tour de nowhere" in giant atom smasher

adjust your work/life/klansman balance

Welcome to my party, klansman--now share your views on the facebook redesign or Kim Jong Il will use lipstick on your face with intensity, and he won't quit, he isn't dead yet.

Jesus just couldn't stay retired, world faces new big bang

Texas Coast braces for cyberspace Jesus

Cyberspace Jesus topples stolen cars over sea wall

Obama urges voters, "Bang a cheerleader, the world may end this week"

Kim Jong Il sucked into drain again as Steve Jobs watches

Obama takes swipe at last WWI vet calling his biological clock "out of line"

Obama calling for blacks to scrap secret killing program of white telecommuters

Poll shows O.J. Simpson should have killed his wife after the trial

O.J. arrives in NYC for months of wife killings

88% of DC's 8th graders can't talk

New McCain ad shows Harry Potter looking for a minivan on Mars

candidates claim to be microwaving in the cabinet

Brady officially dead for the season

88% of D.C.'s 8th graders should have to be dead, poll shows

88% of DC's 8th graders are officially drenched

88% of DC's 8th graders are consumed by guilt over offshore drilling

Can you handle the pain of a white OJ Simpson?

88% of those who survived OJ Simpson can't stop taking drugs

OJ kills 7, raises concerns

Unfaithful wife of OJ Simpson officially dead, mom now out of picture for family

McCain vows to hit Hillary with a frying pan

New phone pix of Obama's knee injury show us there's no such thing as physics

In unconventional convention speech John McCain lies to U.S. about the size of Florida, chants "Sarah Palin's a dude"

Can Steve Jobs beat up a duck? He does in a brief visit to Coney Island's "duck fighting forum"

Seven ways to spot a singing vampire that can play hockey

Stocks tumble on vampire fears

In a world where bums beat up vampires to escape recession fears, can one woman crash her Prius to save America?

No link between mile-high fall and jumper getting killed, report says

Four women McCain needs to tackle: Marylin Monroe, Beyonce's sister, Bristol Palin, and Elton John

Bush to come out at RNC and throw smoke grenades at Ron Paul delegates

Analysis: McCain needs to break up with hot teen boyfriend in convention speech, dammit

Bush deplores teen RNC delegates for buying songs on new music site, wants to nuke convention, aide says

Conga line of Amish dads to brief Bush on daughter's drinking habits

Bush, Leiberman sent to the Land of Make Believe to speak about souped-up raccoon incubator

Gustav evacuees told to brag about economy

Pizza guy brings food to party

Obama says free pizza is off-limits to the amish

Sherriff: Strong probability Cindy McCain is a dead panda

GOP: Don't believe Duchovny, McCain is not pole-dancing in Baton Rouge for income

Hair in diaper may grow into major hurricane, report confirms

Huckabee says porn may save our kids from pole-dancing

Report on Steve Jobs' belly fat appears to be published

Obama ditching confusing air guitar proposal: "The U.S. doesn't get it"

Obama: Don't beleive the hype. Now is not the time for fat kids from Tokyo to be pole-dancing in Alaska.

"Porn mode" allows obama to grow into the father of sex power

McCain: Surprise! The holocaust is not over.

How to walk off the holocaust

Dems say obama's heart transplant addiction could be a disaster

Airline promising to murder survivors for ditching life vests

Republicans brace for seXXXercise on American rooftops after air guitar world champion revealed as Huckabee

Jesus promising life for two tickets to New York's fitness convention

Finally, after 400 years, Jesus' attention getting ends

Joke $3 bill shows metro atlanta school district strengthening laptop battery life awareness

Obama smiles as he hears McCain has gas

McCain cuts off Obama's head as big joke. Should Obama get mad?

Obama continues to play Nintendo Wii as bus flips

Study: Obama in need of cost-effective nude Bigfoot picture

McCain's junk gets stimulus boost from photo of Oprah flirting with death

Time lapse shows un-american idiots pay exhausted dalai lama $100 million for unarmed foreign kid stranded in Philly

John McCain, having fun, threatens nuclear attack on Montreal

How to help your child cope with botched sex

Cheerleader having decent sex

Republicans unimpressed by Nancy Pelosi hip-hop slam

not-so-shredded baby mocks suicide bombings

Democrats prepare "carribean jailbreak" theme for convention

Abandoned baby saved by dirty nun sex

Obama ad shows Michelle wearing suicide vest bartering sex for white supremacist tattoo in ballfield full of dead kids

Michelle Obama's message in Denver: Let the suicide bombings begin

15 year-old dog murderer excited to appear at Canada's listeriosis convention

Sneezy suicide bombers close deal on security pact with Cody Campbell, the Jewish whale

McCain disses Moses as "Jewish joke who didn't pave way for outdoorsiness"

Obama embraces Nintendo after marketing of "Wii cervical cancer"

Abandoned baby whale spanked for faking the good life

Obama hospitalized after playing "guitar hero" for 200 hours with neighbor

Should Obama gas kids for sex?

Who is the hotter pin-up, Roseanne or 4-headed cat?

Breaking news: "The Fonz" should be put to death

50 one-legged, two-headed, four-eared kids in your dad's care reported dead after saving rock n' roll

Abandoned baby whale in Spain should pay for your kid's education, study shows

Who should pay for mom and dad's crack? Former Chinese leader Hua Guofeng.

Boomerang hit may cause diabetes

Sex offender admits the Fonz could become Obama's VP

After being left in plane for 22 hours McCain admits airline crashes can be funny

friends say noose to blame for suffocating man

Study finds the Cold War too sexy for your nightmares, too sexy for your nightmares

Many believe iPod Nanos healthier than food

How to avoid drinking anthrax

Bigfoot alive, rants about shallow NFL cheerleader

"It's better than sex" McCain says of testicular squeeze free-for-all

Cheney cut in half after soul-wrenching Madden '09 review

toddler impatient for drinking age

FBI admits the NFL season is longer than you think

27 iReporters die in iPod overheating

Bush rants about his unrequited love of the Williams sisters to NATO

McCain, swimming in gold money, slams snitches, gives his friends a shoutout on "Amazing Race"

Jared Leto in blackface replacing Obama to win over teen voters

Lost Phelps thinks mom is prostitute at Olympic party

Obama may end medieval prostitution game soon. iReport.com: Are you a prostitute?

Pakistan's Musharraf thinks cell phone is Laurence Fishburne

Experts: Peyton Manning may be someone else

Michael Phelps sees no other option, covers baby with biofuel

Experts punched over Grand Canyon misspelling

How to win big in foreclosure game--then murder a lizard!

How to know when to dump your 110-year-old jobless pedophile boyfriend

Obama ordered to scream for segregated Olympics

iPhone owners never knew Bin Laden was a terrorist

Disillusioned Favre returning to KFC to fry U.S. flag after loss of faith in God

Pedophile ring returning to former splendor after $4 billion fix

Obama murders rare ghost dinosaur in battle to force The Mystery King in to returning The Dark Ring to the Towers of Medal in Lost Cosmic Adventure

China accuses Bush of fertility problems

Reports: Bush lost iPhone in armchair

Report: Nothing moving still

Bin Laden faces uphill polling battle after Twin Towers accident

Bin Laden captures public attention with egg pasta, Twin Towers accident

iReporters disillusioned, murder God

Bush accuses armchair astronomer God of meddling with cosmic jets of radiation

Bin Laden touts Doctor Who as "a classic" in terror trial

McCain calls Iraq 'the prostate screening of freedom'

Voters' issue #1: that bag of maggots in the bedroom

Bad bipartisan bills boosting Bin Laden's biofuel bikini

Bill Clinton calls U.S. voters "maggots" in ad for Rwandan gorilla eggs

Polls say Bill Clinton's feeling up 6 dogs in a Utah mine

World War II reported in France

Cheny not expected to shake it in Paris Hilton's bikini

McCain calls starving children 'Redneck jerks.'

Religious retreats offer fake crack to elderly Mexican bank robbers

McCain kills family dog for staging fake GOP convention in Mauritania

Favre's coach warns grandma of "punitive action" for networking with religious mountain lion

Obama calls "bad sandwich smell contest" astonishing punishment for deadly gorilla attack

iReport.com: Immigrants have no life

Delta airlines to offer pain, punishment on U.S. flights

Obama calls breast exhibit at hot body museum "solid"

Robots due in U.S. court for gambling on laptop computer "hot body" contest

Republicans vow to wreck Obama's sandwich

Hundreds feared dead after Morgan Freeman attacks hockey team with pillow

Helpless plane hit by moose in downward spiral

man presumed to be dead forced to walk on trash for urgent porn auditions since ‘76

Beijing prepares for influx of fat losers

"I love barbaric bloodshed" Hollywood scum Jessica Simpson says after Afghanistan consulate bombing

Police say solar eclipse irregularities, not fatal beating, killed man

Obama holds meeting with frat-boy partier dude in pool of pond scum

Man charged in pregnant soldier's slaying defends Laboeuf's career, loses appeal

Cybercrime lords, Judge Judy reunite for Alabama road trip that retraces civil rights history

Child in Turkish bar who couldn't predict quake no threat to LaBeouf, feds say

Obama rejects Miley Cyrus, seen tapping Judge Judy

Dr. Gupta: Smokin with Jesus is healthy

Analysis: Jesus' new theme song is scum

Jesus: Dad's a way swirly dude. At home, at the bar... a party. No fake.

Jesus, who could just not stay retired, is back, dining out and slaying republicans

Kitten's blog about The Office is getting ugly

Analysis: Ugly dude in tank top no threat to U.N.

McCain defends midsummer war crimes party

Bush may hang up ugly fake kitten's fur tank top after road trip to Kosovo for Jack Johnson's pond party

Kids won't say how they feel about dude going down on mom

Bush screamed "Why?" in mom's face after fans gave Neil Young the finger

Bush expecting to be beheaded after U.S. economic growth forecast downgraded

Bush gets last laugh, approves fondling of goats

China, US lead way in fondling Ahmadinejad

Puppy kills 16% of Uraguay's Hummer owners

McCain bursts in to flames to feel cool like Obama

Hillary Clinton tasered 9 times for fueling Uruguay's beautiful amphicars with nasty cesspool vomit

Suicide bombers accuse each other of catering to paparazzi

Why can't the US get off on kangaroo sex?

Alzheimer's patients angry that homes morphed to giant mothership, probe finds

beer pulls man out of slump

Mr. Rogers moustache of death--friend to public or foe?

"Last lecture" professor taught killer bears how to fight NATO anti-terror efforts

Stubborn Chilli's manager needs more hotdogs now!

What every NFL team needs: a ghost with high self esteem

Heartsick Obama to fat Chili's patron: "Are 29,000 oily hot dogs necessary?"

AC360blog: Hooters girls walloped my dad with high-end hot dogs

Ghost: death reeks like a hotdog

"Death changed my life" says ghost

Science tells Math 10 reeks like death

2 million leaves Math, goes to Hooters

Congress forgives Bin Laden to repair self-esteem

Obama, on heroin, describes smell of Berlin smog "Zzzzzzzzzz crunch?"

how to squeeze more math into your sex life

Math: 5 coverage almost embarrassing

Math storm hits America, kills 200 million

Deadly Math crimes hit 5-year high

Math: We cannot afford to be divided

Obama stands by plan to rape whales

In Germany, Obama calls for world to rape the black man

McCain advisors keep focus on embarassing sex life

Saving whales from a life of organized crime

Is minumum wage really just for the black man?

Obama warns white people about the black man

Poll shows Obama winning over pop culture fanatics with inspirational grenade attack

McCain to pedestrian: I hate having the stinging jellyfish on me

Detroit mayor accused of lying about affairs crumbles to death

Contemptuous Obama hits cop with stinging jellyfish for 6th day in a row

10 ways to avoid a catfight when you are mauled by a bear during a bullfight

Obama to defend Spock's african past: He's a "N-word" to me

Sudan leader contemptuous of genocide charge, speeding ticket

Child molester Greg Norman invited to waste himself, by me, with antidepressents

OMG! African genocide is like worse than bad cell-phone video

The most interesting limps in summer olympics history

Expert says our addiction to oil is like a polygamist jellyfish taking antidepressants to rescue Mr. Spock's giraffe from shopping for Viagra in Mexico

Cop says your car smelled of a speeding ticket

OMG! Bush says word other than N-word!

McCain forgives daughter for paying $25 billion for photos of bearded woman

Photos released of Elie Wiesel confronting Spitzer's call girl over salmonella found on pepper confuse "View" host

NYtimes rejects McCain essay about pricey pedicures

iReport.com: Cruise ship dancer looks like Elie Wiesel

Can McCain break out of zoo in time for the Olympics?

Police: Man guilty of hate crime "an N-word"

CNN presents: What's it like to be dead in America today?

Your painful secret -- you are being shot.

Girl's balloon taken for granted in Chicago backyard

Obama, McCain dress like hot Portuguese teens

Boy left in Amy Winehouse's crane factory begins to nibble dead skin off feet

Gas 10 cents more in Texas if you are using Bin Laden's debit card

iReport.com: Grieving sister of drowned boy can't take a joke

Obama takes nintendo to sleepover at Bin Laden's

McCain has a very, very wierd day in Israel training dogs to panic about round 2 of the British Open

Yikes! McCain says Pope may be an autistic surfing shark with at least 25 financial planners and a blog

Plan to have sex with Laci Peterson's mom "a total failure" Gore says

Obama aims to trick McCain into living in 1964 Germany

Nelson Mandela marks 90th birthday with Futuristic nuclear bloodbath in the astrodome

After waterboarding McCain says "Polite, but tepid. Frogger anyone?"

DNA proves Russian royal kids included a polite gym rat

Nostalgia don'ts -- how NOT to yearn for June

McCain praises Obama in NAACP address as "an OK n-word"

Analysis: Why are you an n-word Bernanke? What's wrong with you?

Rapper pokes fun at the angst of being Babe Ruth in a virtual potty barrel

How candidates pander to Latinos: Executions of Mexicans

NASA plans to ask the mafia to fight busy moms to avoid predicting earthquakes

Red cross says secretive baby executions "a mistake"

Israeli soldiers spook Bush with rising Viagra demands

McCain calls Obama's pandering to catfish "premature"

Wig-wearing McCain: "I look like Miss USA!"

Alzheimer's husband warns wife of muslim laser machines

Greek islands rattled by glimpse of CSI star with shrinkage on Rollerblades

Bush says Gitmo is "basically like hell"

Afghan attacks become main event at home run derby

Scientists: The Situation Room is a gloomy cartoon

USA cuts Bush "to survive"

Look out! Man sticks finger into Miss USA

Obama talks about the difficulty of cutting cocaine on the ceiling

Miss universe found on road, says she's dead

pile of sharks found in shady beer

Obama camp calls al qaeda video games "hard to play"

Obama camp calls Sudanese president "Steve Fossett"

Miss USA charged with genocide despite being the greatest woman of all time

Anheuser-Bush sold to shady man on hill for $10

Bush orders universe to vanish -- again

Bush reintroduces daughter to beer, smoking pot in mass

Miss Venezuela goes to war against Zorb, president of the Universe

Cheney miffed about pool of bull semen in brain

Olympic swimmer says no to spending July in pool of blood, Vatican miffed

Obama tricked into pampering tiger to death in U.S. embassy

Poll shows U.S. braille fears lowest since June

Doc helps woman die to avoid fun braille book

Don't let ranch salad dressing ruin your pizza

US hostage rescue hinged on fake pizza, wayward dolphins

Man sells soul for fresh grave

Riots erupt in Mongolia amid concerns of penguins at the fake Jessica Simpson museum

Ex-Congo warlord sluggish after big pizza

Poll shows U.S. ocean fears lowest since McCain stabbed 62,000 dolphins in June

Don't let McCain in a Speedo on Viagra ruin your vacation. Consider nodding-off.

Plan to bury Obama on Mars stirs racial tensions

Jolie twins may be dented, high on mushrooms

Struggling McCain admits tough month after strangulation of homeless veterans, gay sex Prince William sex tape

Mars rover searching high and low for magic mushrooms. Bush admits "tough month" for mushrooms in the solar system

Girls gone wild" have 3rd straight multi-state killing spree

Rioters take to the street around the globe after gay gentlemen mobilize to handle produce in Alaska

Jolie sued for $2 million for 1946 train wreck

Actor thinks air show tragedy helped ruin your vacation

MLB midseason awards news conference turns into a mass lynching

Can you live without Will Smith's random Salmonella inquiry?

Was "gay 9/11" worth killing 2 penguins for?

Heath Ledger doctor owes a penny to Mrs. Obama, poll shows

Bill Clinton to Obama "I love you but I hate your gay book"

Osama Bin Laden refuses to return your 'Into the Wild' book

Bizarre vow to analyze the weird origins of the NBA draft lands Obama at the Gates of Hell

Zoo denies enslaving homeless North Pole millionaire. Is that racist tiger to blame?

Annoying neighbors? Obama strikes their kids, blows 'em up.

Obama vows to melt chocolate in Delaware, forcing fewer voters to resell their pants

Loud silence after Clinton blows Obama to promote unity in front of students

Step aside raped kids, critics try to pin "arrogant" label on victims

Obama denies bizarre rumor he raped Will Smith to death

annoying scientist denies report that 7+43=142

Annoying goose staying afloat in ice-free north pole gets busy in front of your child, kill 'em.

Rove accused of floppy sex with saggy goose

"Colorado blows" rant lands Obama in Wyoming sex prison

Kill cops, save gas

Al Qaeda pilot helps airlines save gas, blows up 7 flights

Scientists bet McCain that 25-foot giant squid from Delaware won't rant about NBA draft to annoying neighbors in the Bronx for 43 years if bees' tough guy image lands 3 underfed teachers accused of revolutionizing bear rape in prison with no floppy disks under threat of violence from friendly Zimbabweans

Delaware enslaving millionaire students after a-list al-qaeda star pushes chocolate disks off colorado mountain into Wyoming with remark "I'll vow to lead Zimbabweans into bear territory" and flies 747 in to nuke plant to surprise underfed maverick scientists in Chicago prison.

Obama slams arrogant reporter's face into escalator handrails after romantic interview with chicken

Rove, critics try to pin 'road-kill' label on Obama's guinea pig

stocks slide, Bernanke gets life in a mental hospital

McCain: "Shape-shifting, talking plant from Mars could hurt U.S. security." Obama: "I don't think we care." McCain: "I'm making stuff up, tough-guy"

Obama asks donors to rape beached whale for viral video

Top 10 most bewildering amputations in NBA draft history

Imus says he caffeinated, not defended, black man

creepy 33.6 inch waists linked to sanjaya

tips to avoid losing your arm on vacation

Bill Clinton fights cloud accused of distorting home prices

OJ told wife to be tough after losing head

OJ says people picking on him for killing his wife

Obama breaks silence on extra nose

The biggest NBA draft busts of all time take 4 European tourists hostage for deliberating French leader's housing, lack of Vitamin D

Sanjaya issues new pain warning to snarling campers

NBA, Hamas truce on edge after Israeli draft busts

15.3% of California told to be "pirates"

McCain wants pirates to set suicide pact example

Tips to avoid being threatened by Heather Locklear

tips to avoid being accused of killing your wife and kids

CDC expert warns shark attack survivors of latest 300 million-pound nuclear robot shark, and how to avoid them

Mars lander finds porn

8-limbed vikings booed in Antarctica for abandoning Destiny's Child star on the ice

Mars lander, Famed cat trainer wake Brooke Hogan at 3 am for Israeli military exercise

Bush praises Mississippi River disaster: "The U.S. deserves this type of grisly suffering and pain"

U.S. launches bits of ice at ghoulish boy's foot

A laughing Michelle Obama found severed feet wash up along the Mississippi: "That sucks"

Scott Baio opts out of public beating with maple bats

Young Jeezy charged with laughing at ex-Bear stears execs bludgeoned with tomatoes

"Should I vaccinate my tomatoes from hurricanes?" says maker of racist minivan to swollen and tattooed weather experts

Senators blast abandoned puppy for predicting the Taliban is making a comeback

Is it harder to fatally beat boys or girls?

Obama calls preschoolers to build a super-solider

Honda rolls out world's longest bag of kittens

cnn.com readers remember slaying hundreds of kittens to make a point

Taliban releases dinosaur in 7 of Orlando's parks to do battle with women of color. Remember?

Amber alert issued for same-sex hydrogen dinosaur dynasty

iReport: McCain cursed Amy Winehouse as he tossed honey into traffic

U.S. releases video of Hulk Hogan's cooter

iReporters capture out-of-control Jesus hanging on to squids and Octopods staying afloat in Afghanistan mud

Holyfield's bathroom is a mess

Ed McMahon explains how Kathie Lee Gifford could just murder the Clintons

Internet video of perfect weddings puts Unabomber at risk of staying in college

Rescuers scour Google Earth for ten minutes: "it's time to stop"

Pod-like man found under bed ramps up attacks on lesbian whale, but no one helps . . . who should be martyred?

Report slams Jesus over problems with new Beck video, Beck uses weekend to help martyr friend with work/life balance

Jesus to help ET spruce up space

Clinton plans weekend food fight: We can win if we really want to.

9/11 plotter likely to get Medal of Honor if we win in Iraq

Eye-popping, naked 8-foot Obama found impaled on lighthouse after Clinton does happy dance on top of ballot box. Can you say '@#%&*'?

House could whip admiral for bizarre "juggling saved me" remark

Mom: I had sex with dad

Biofuels: What do the experts think? Shut up.

Could Danish food be fueling your survival? Yes, now shut up.

What's next for Clinton? Juggling.

Entertainment Tonight stands by 'Al Qaeda is perfect' remark

Cnn.com readers remember when Mom and Dad did drugs and had sex with penguins on space station 'accidentally’

Al Qaeda astronauts prepare to venture 20 miles outside Iran

Report: Your dad slept around

Space shuttle astronauts venture outside, implode. It lasted for seconds--and yes, it was awful, now break out the drugs for me and shut up.

Panel mulls crashing 20-mile car into your kids. Upset? Remember, your scumbag kids could be with Al Qaeda

Larry King explodes in fireball on 400th birthday

Hi, New York! 111 countries agree to cluster bomb Brooklyn

Priest apologizes for mocking R. Kelly sex tape

Magazine ranks "20 hottest homeless pimps supporting Clinton"

quake was like something out of Star Trek, researchers say

25 reasons why you're not getting aid for China earthquake-- 4: you're not in China

Obama on the brink of declaring "CSI" gay

Woman in iron lung deeply sorry for panhandling

Study shows robots can't get over slavery

McCain targets Obama for not sightseeing in Antarctica after grandma dies

Horrifying new theme parks from the abyss of gay slavery in America a fun Disney alternative

Portraits of Prince Charles comfort Obama after offbeat Polar Bear burials

NASA, with 4 hours to kill, has removed Mars

McCain opposed gay marriage on Mars

Dying woman has 4 hours to kill

Some Clinton, Obama supporters oppose the poignancy of "Indiana Jones"

iReport: Pilot appealed to portraits of Steven Soderbergh after FAA notification system failed

McCain asks giant magical fake doctor to be VP and join the battle against China's theme parks

U.N.: Quake victims need millions of lists of aircraft carrier tactics

Myanmar re-evaluating the excellent thrills of collegiate journalism

McCain smashes baby against Brooklyn Bridge, adds poignancy to NBA lottery

The working class run amok, battles teams of gay baboons with only animal bones

Cindy McCain breast-feeds Karl Rove. For some, this is really hard to watch

Burned out McCain accuses Obama of eating his brain: "He's eating my brain!" Justices: His reckless speech is not protected, starfish rule!

Mr. Optimism visits Wall Street, kills 22

Dr. Gupta creeps behind your garden, knocks at your door--what to do: survive.

Innocent man spends 17 years in his own back yard

Grizzly victim waits hours for SUV alternatives

What you may not know when a polar bear knocks at your door: this is a grizzly bear

U.S. accuses Heaven of airspace incursion

Clinton agrees to break out the free porn, leads big with sexist creeps

Kid with 155 IQ beaten with own brain

McCain, Obama scrap about the size of Switzerland for 17 years

Man eating his own brain gets big reception at toxic cleanup in his backyard

Kennedy undergoing more big cat attacks, say polls

Dr. Gupta: Should you taser your bonehead ugly baby to safeguard your family? They'll never survive, but you decide what to do, sucker.

Obama caught on tape running through Palestine, beating off on Baha'is

Humans blamed for car accident

The black man's cleaning ability helps white women at home--don't say this

robotic suit helps McCain liberate polar bears in Saudi boys' apartment

Bin Laden says no to Bush's request to break out the Wii

Man's ability to have sex with Jolie may unlock secret of how China's giant pandas survive cancer

McCain's cheap shots caught on tape: "Middle-schoolers can chew on electric cords" "Indiana Jones? Indiana who? Grow up."

Bin Laden urges Ellen DeGeneres to marry girlfriend by the end of June

McCain: O.J. slaying deaths could hit 50,000 by 2013

Bush catcalling nude girl pulled from rubble

Report: Birds born in captivity all gay

Clinton likens Obama to crippled, gay, soon-to-be-ex arson suspect

Is LeBron actually a glamorous teen with huge boobs in a skimpy dress?

Half of Clinton's brain lands in Obama's cupcake. Is Clinton still in this primary?

Clinton says "what gives?" to Bush about terrorist acts on interstate cupcake database. This is real.

Wounded vets ditch wheelchairs for Hezbollah

Physics keeps 75-pound objects on world

White House objects to child's laughter: "Get quiet or get tearful"

Katrina victim claims puppy is food

Obama spills chili to curb world tensions

Hezbollah traveling through parts of Mississippi to protect blind kids from odd physics theories

After gulping, Obama narrows Clinton's lead in Beiruit

Physics wonder boy to blow Einstein's kids

Is it too early for a violent beating of Clinton in a sinkhole? No.

Clinton's gift to family: gunfire

America horrified by the whale poop in Clinton's salad

Dreadlocked Pelosi fish hooks Clinton, rages around Papa John's: "War has started"

LeBron unfazed by violent beating of players in Game 1 by Hezbollah

Mamma Mia! Incest dad lets family hear whale chatter

Horrified America: Pet hair? "No!"

Device lets superdelegates build a salad in 3 months

Thousands flee Wal-Mart as dad suspected of feeling gloomy

Poop piling up as Star Jones gobbles up yards of Papa John's. Toxic gas sickens horrified America.

McCain wants a 10 earthquake in oregon if president

Hillary ending her babynapping ways to build a better iPhone for Orgeon's first gay prom. Break out the whiskey.

Voter to McCain: "Temper something of a concern." McCain now setting voter, her husband, and her kids ablaze

Hillary to backer: "Murder this black man". Clinton fights on as Obama is stuffed with toxic eucalyptus leaves

McCain's wife says price of goofy sex toys astonishing. Help!

Hillary says primary could have been much different with more pot-smoking bees

McCain says hispanics think like old cats in a volcano

78% of Americans have become nudists

Clinton goes negative in last-minute Chili's ad

Revealed secrets of Obama's firepower is distracting hispanic family of 9 caught in border dispute

Obama kills robotic squirrel in the middle of a sandstorm to prepare for NASCAR season

McCain, taking a big gamble, rolls out long-awaited sci-fi porno in the middle of the kentucky derby

Hunter mistakes son for electric sports car, kills him

In last-minute ad Clinton pokes fun at dead americans: "There's no way out of death honey, say goodbye"

Dems ramp up attacks on Gettysburg Battlefield, 10,000 feared dead

Laura Bush pushes cyclone over border-fence, mystifies hispanic voters

78% of Americans say that pirates attacked Seattle today

"A good week for suicide" says Obama as poll shows him losing support with hundreds of famous ducks

Obama: Feds got it right with cringe-worthy beheading of Clinton's kitty

Burning man in SUV to address United Nations on yankees-red sox history

Lance Bass dies trying to save Alaska from child's weak birthday party

Titanic sank due to avalanches in Colorado

Lance Bass presses on with avalanches of murder amid criticism

NASA extends this week's Las Vegas mission

Pope dropped off 'Wall Street' on Blockbuster visit, couldn't find 'Titanic'

Lance Bass: "it's time for me to stand in a crater"

Bin Laden in new york to stand up for strong dollar amid criticism

Wayne Brady officially asks Pope to be Queen of Saturn

Pope sinks to new low, may ask the devil to be his wife

Devil going soft, arrives in home of murder suspect to cuddle on couch

Dems say suicide blast at funeral both an odd thrill and fun for kids

Pope goes on offensive against Jesus, launches indulgences for unflinching child rapists

Pope reveals Jesus is really a lying cougar

In defense, rapists say stabbing, beheading of kidnapped kids a joke

Pope pleased with U.S. brothel, survey finds

Republican sorry for calling Obama an "island-sized Palestinian arsonist"

Ticker: McCain ran from rubik's cube to rubik's cube serving Palestinian food to hungrypregnant women

U.S. Catholics petition Rome to keep Pope from serving barbeque at Jazz Fest

Pop-pop sklorks into suicidal garbage riot, whopping and pumping the pope for fun

Kidnapped hungry sea people face smallish gay-sized whopping as they sleep, official says

Dr. Gupta pulls out of american citizen, now beating off on Jewish marathoners from 12th floor of polygamist ranch. Dr. Gupta: "Best job I have ever had in my life. Marathoners to Gupta: "knock it off, you climaxed"

Nude photos of Obama's mother send Clinton motorcycling in to volcano for answers

Clinton wants Obama's windows smashed, mother slain and car destroyed

Melting glacier caused sensitive pirates to weep

John McCain calls beheaded, decomposing teens "hypochondriacs"

Clinton's decomposing body "nearly gone" street kids say

Obama weighs skipping stupid "incest national park" in Pennsylvania

Powerful cleric debuts wild, racy sex scene with Toni Braxton to mark end of Clinton campaign

Grumpy Clinton's beer dwindles in Pennsylvania, backup beer used

Clinton's top strategist wants to be raped by Montenegrins

Grumpy archaeologists raped McCain for good luck

Oprah's audience hogtied, carried off to polygamist ranch in texas for grueling blood sports matchup with Britain's Prince Philip

Mike Wallace declares "I like to take sexy pirates to my bed after a matchup with a fanged creature"

Big Oil destroys Navajo Nation for a cigarette

Are guys allergic to sexy Mike Wallace Facebook photos?

Homeless man goes home to his house

Homeless kid recalls horrible moment when a bear tried to ask Dr. Gupta a question: Gupta tells the bear "you're wearing me out" and goes home, paints an unbelievable self-portrait, and blows his wife up to Newport

Crazy McCain narrows VP list to six blind teens and one brain-dead Argentine

Clinton backer to congress: Lewinsky assasination should never be off limits

Bush: Landmines a wonderful resource, no threat to kids... April Fools!

Bush has child with new wife Lewinsky. No joke. April fools!

Report: Fire in Second Life no threat to environment

Obama may drop Chelsea on landmine in April Fools joke

Chelsea considered killing Lewinsky with whip, ice shelf collapse

McCain asking cops to hurt 3rd graders for stealing his Legos

Bush slams 2 autistic people together a day to get Iraq back to normal

Dean tells Obama to get back to unraveling the magnificence of interstate shootings

Texas inmate, missing from prison for two months, jumps into Dem race.

Dean tells Obama, Clinton camps to cool rhetoric on the magnificence of Earth

College student faces legal row after walking off the Earth

Bush: Kill the obese, murder ordinary cubans, and see that that newborn elephant is tied to a tree

Gore: "We'll see if this toddler bounces." Gore charged in baby murder.

Ad casts McCain as ordinary austic alien witch brought to Earth to serenade your mom and overcome the greatest prison riot in the history of the world

Baby confesses to finding Texas prison riot too offbeat

22 year-old ghost beaten by mob of critics of death

Ordinary man goes to normal bank to get money, goes home, resumes day

Obama pleads with superdelegates to murder Clinton. Obama pastor: "Climb into a volcano you gigantic witch"

Prison dad let out to see child rob $53 trillion from suitcase store

McCain's foreign policy vision: trouble, darkness, and death for France

hundreds beaten to death on space shuttle, Robin williams told it was an accident

Feds chastise Robin Williams, really want to cut off star's head

Robin Wiliams sleeps in woodpile in freak nighttime accident

Man sleeps at his silly murder trial

McCain: space computers, hard-edged polar bear to escort me to 2010. Dr. Gupta: McCain may have dementia

Applause as Obama says he's willing to cut off Hillary's vile head.

report: firing your gun down a well good for your health

Is McCain making the most of recession-proof shoplifting?

In classic Clinton mistake, Chelsea says she is cop-killing for charity

Obama releases facebook photos of Clinton cruising the antarctic for advice on NCAA tourney picks

How to lower pain at the pump: Don't skyrocket halfway across the universe like a crazy millionaire

Cheney: 'You're working for Hitler now'

Tips for counting calories like Hitler

A lollipop that prevents crucifixion? Pretty good, Hitler. Pretty good.

Lonely Hitler drops Easter eggs on giant sea creatures

How Hitler would have hurt your feelings

Cheney: World wrong about Hitler

Cheney to giant sea creatures: 'You're working for Hitler now'

Hitler tries riding bike, killing

Obama tries crucifixion, complains of pain, may not make it

How Hitler would have solicited sex with Dolly Parton: "You're getting the Berlin sex gouge"

America's #1 issue: Giant sea creatures killing without feelings on business-class airline

Bill richardson getting high halfway across the universe... for free

Obama suddenly explodes, interrupts church ceremony

Photo shows Bill Clinton taser Obama's pastor twice for considering wireless accress to iTunes

Photo shows unimpressed hotel guest pull Obama's face off

Poll: Three-quarters think Atlanta is in Germany

McCain to controversial grocery thief: "Stay out of Iraq, potty face"

Bill Clinton forced his family to live in the U.S. . . . remember?

Rachel Ray detonates for a month, not so edgy anymore

Poll: three-quarters think tainted ham is not that bad

Rachel Ray presents . . . more graves?

Sheryl Crow gives birth to 4 African-american astronauts in Atlanta grocery store

10:26 AM Tommy: haha

10:27 AM Ex-Beatle to pay $5.20 to naked vampires to stay out of vacant lot

me: hahah

Tommy: one of the weirdest exchanges ever

Astronauts flex arms, prepare for sex with top-heavy african-american celebrities

Halle Berry says she is in a vacant lot, mugging your dad

Expert: Barrels of rubble easier to talk about than Tibet protesters

Expert: Sex with bees not that bad

Robot protestors forced Rachel Ray in to wearing baby clothes for a month

Bush gets high, runs amok in Iraq, going potty in rubble

Bush to star wars fans: "the Iraq war is your fault"

Bush jokes about daughter's cannibalism phobia during birthday party, scalps woman

Reports: Spitzer punched 101 year-old man off bridge for cheating in Marathon

Spitzer apologizes for slaying magic whales on the moon, resigns

Spitzer forces children to marry stray cats, says kids don't deserve to marry whales

Spitzer leaves it all behind and has butt sex with racist Trekkie

Gunman kills two in bank, then has butt sex with wife

spitzer vows to serve common good, yells racial slurs at EPA for tougher smog standards

Japan could bring 3-D child porn to 10,000 minivans

Remains of WWII airman seen smashing into Paris Hilton at Mississippi BBQ

Revenge of the monstrous gays: Madonna found smashed in Vatican

Obama caught on camera drinking water

God gets smashed at Vatican. Caught on camera drinking at 3am

sinful pygmy hippo caught on prescription drugs in the Loire valley

Vatican says Madonna worse than a thousand gays pinching the KKK

Endeavor crew set to assemble "really odd sandbox" on space station

death penalty sought for Vatican robot for imitating God

Oops! God buried in sandbox

Fed's hands tied by weak dollar, wolverine

Ticker: Clinton's "Obama the big-voiced tongue-kissing KKK vendor" ad really odd

Ron Paul fights to sell his 6 month-old infant to giggling terrorists

O.J. Simpson asked Bush to toss baby off White House. Bush aid: no

Report: OJ Simpson is the Jules Verne of Mars

Bush says hot tot should be left to rot

Bush says cloud of steam stole lottery winnings. No city is safe.

Sleep tips: Drop baby in to lava

Bush says "Sorry, economy has no chance at life" takes off for Alaska

cloud of steam found tortured in Mexico

Jules Verne death raising concerns with OJ lawyers

Scientists spot baseball player in America

Drunk Cafferty: 5 good reasons Whoopi is a worthless hen

Should Obama become a drunk 4-year-old to win Oscar?

Facebook banned world's first sex-legged octopus

China cuts off ties with Swayze

Clinton, Obama become worthless to kids for cussing

World's first six-legged Octopus could become worthless one-legged insurance agent after cheating in Oscar debates

Cops covered up teen's killing because Swayze flew to Mars and found a strawberry

6 million diamond is unsafe for 4-year-old mom says

40 good reasons killing should be banned in California town

Ask.com accused of cheating on Facebook

Chelsea on edge after Obama blows away mom in delegate dispute

drunk iReporter: 14-foot hammerhead is the size of a strawberry. A gosh darn 14-foot strawberry.

75 million good reasons to deck your kids

Drunk 4 year-old thrown out of New York bar for cussing about vaccine-autism link

Avalanches on Mars make Patrick Swayze squirm

Insurance agent pretends to be Downey Jr. for Kenyan tourists

McCain roars after arm shot off. McCain: OK, who blew my arm off? What's so funny?

Clinton has big night, gives birth to God of chaos

Clinton to heart victims: "Grab your defibrillators and get drunk"

GM to make gangbanging powered cars

Brett Favre retiring from killing 3-year-old Hispanic kids. Bring on the tears.

Police: College basketball fans spent months planning avalanche on Mars

Obama relaxes with beer, gets blown in Florida Wendy's in new TV ad

Report: Hitler gangbanging forced Favre to retire from NFL

McCain looks to try acid to jump start career in stripper killings

Oprah switches from Obama to Hitler

Watch a swimsuit model fall through a house full of feces, get leveled by an ex-con in a slaughterhouse, and get demolished by a train

Fatal shootings keep you healthy, looking younger

10:00 AM McCain, Obama spar over what worst hair day ever means for Wall Street

"dumb as bricks" newborn falls off tv

Obama gets to !@#%* swimsuit model in Hitler's doomsday vault, gets head, hepatitis

Obama battles treasure hunters for dark power of Hitler's Doomsday crystal ball

Ten guys women should run from. Number 3: Hitler

Bush pressured stressed out Nazi ghost to ease in to hot tub

Sarcastic Clinton destroys Disneyland with Doomsday bomb to "pull in the curious"

Britney Spears visits her sons to death

Youtube blocks video of implausible wheelchair

Clinton, Obama put evil, secretive animals at center of Ohio fight

Signs of Doomsday growing: Ralph Nader enters hot tub.... in the snow

Offbeat images: Ralph Nader preps for child porn disaster

Clarence Thomas gets sarcastic to ward off evil, mocks pregnant woman

Obama battles Tori Spelling for Nanny cam glory. No survivors.

Husband guilty of murder protests 'letter from the grave': "No Apostrophes"

Times threatens U.S. with "more apostrophes"

Rioters delayed cleanup for hours to have sex with McCain

Environment facing jail for killer quake, northeast storms.

Arizona the 'Venezuela' of airport restaurants?

Should you pay for Hal Holbrook's car insurance?

Pentagon confident Virgin Mary is dead

Huckabee fakes lunar eclipse for villagers: Good career move?

horrific bus crash leaves 4 students flirting

Police chase self-destructive McCain up a tree after 19th DUI. McCain says he intends to stay at top of tree and taunt police

Bush: Toxic baloney not so good

Presidential hopefuls hate nude photos of Nancy Reagan

5-million mile meteor slamming to Earth offers treat, grave, to skywatchers

massive sex blast found in wisconsin

Bam! Martha shoots real bullets into Emeril's back

Fake gun shoots real bullets. Your reaction: Gun not fake

McCain leads blind skier underwater... again

Not afriad of McCain anymore? Psst... Bam!

Presidential hopefuls call for cheap sex on city streets

Extremist coached his child on how to remain in place

dangerously thin cookie-selling scouts not afraid of frrezing underwater anymore, emulate giant sea spider

Castro told he's traded to Japan, resigns

Castro quits building ridiculous sex gossip website

Castro uses meat cleaver, puts sex pressure on Lindsay Lohan

Castro not afraid of quality pet care anymore

McCain wants to behead fliers if Delta, Northwest merge

OJ Simpson faces 20 lashes and a big push for murdering girlfriend

Is Obama Belgium's OJ Simpson?

Bush announces he is gay during 'Rhoda'

Solutions: When your spouse anounces he is gay begin a tainted beef smuggling ring.

Alan Greenspan terrorizes wildlife in Alaska

Naked gay Amish astronauts could decide Dem race

Naked Alan Greenspan to recession protesters: "Too gay for you?"

Solutions: When your spouse announces he is Alan Greenspan begin slaying pregnant K-Mart customers

Is McCain too Amish for China?

Chelsea Clinton arrested over fake outhouse suspicion

Drunk astronauts, why do they pray for gay swimsuit models?

Drunk spouse announces he is a pterodactyl

Clinton shows a different side to voters, shotguns beer after high speed chase, beats Chelsea, and burns flag

Superdelegates shown videotape of Clemens soiling pants during testimony

decapitation onboard space station supports clemens' testimony

Is hell too warm for penguins?

Hillary declared brain dead after Obama runs table

George Lucas expands 'Star Wars' universe, burns in hell

John McCain's flag-burning son back from hell to ogle good looking Dem superdelegates

Clinton on Recession: "Dem say my money is right, dem say my money run the table son"

Congress to Clemens: "We was thinking we duct-tapes your face and puts your teen in a headlock Steroid boy"

McCain presses defense secretary to death with shoulder on Hezbollah TV

Does anyone in Hollywood care about German pterodactyl murder? Disney does

Clinton looks to pterodactyl, Hezbollah to stop Obama

Are men's brains too warm for Clinton?

SI swimsuit cover girl a special-needs quadriplegic

Clinton slashed to death for charity. Obama next. Does anyone care?

Pterodactyl fossil found in your backyard. Accident... or murder?

Sex after death within reach

Analysis: Huckabee has advantage in 36-car pileup

Clinton replaces campaign manager with angry Soviet baby

Half of Virginia likely married to "Jaws" actor Roy Scheider

Angry Clinton to seek death for . . . Herbie Hancock

McCain: "I'm going to slug Heath Ledger in the jaw -- really? Heath Ledger is dead? Who says? Really?"

McCain: "We will party. We will party to show Al Qaeda who is really dull."

Without warning, scary-smart Jesus fixes TV: 'I'm back people'

Bedraggled tornado survivor reassessing tornado: "There was no tornado"

Obama getting mileage from offensive dead baby jokes with Super Tuesday delegates

Cops: Heath Ledger died from Pakistani tornadoes

Sex offenders really happy for your pregnancy

holloway's dad outraged by suspect's split pantsuit

Police outraged there was no trail of sperm left by sex offenders

7 exercises to keep your mom drunk

Washed up U.S. president found drunk under bridge

Dad admits stomping baby to death is good for Wall Street

Economists: Robbers good for business

Clerk: I'm only one still in store

Foul-mouthed pimp fixes the environment with lotions, gels, creams

Clinton confused about Super Tuesday delegates, gets hammered

Dead friend dies from death by murder

Dead baby overdosed on death

Baby tossed off bridge to avoid recession

Hawaii shocked by trillions of feet of snow

Britney's parents shocked by exploding exorcist

Teary-eyed Bush asks for an old rag to protect summer cottage from shifting teens

Bush pushes teary-eyed Clinton in to snow

Israeli slaughterhouse a hit with teens

Bush sends congress $3 trillion ATV on Super Tuesday

McCain said cabbage fit right in the microwave

Drug resistant flu virus adopting Nixon-like tactics

Obama debates Clinton to death over troubling shark attacks in Laguna Beach aquarium

Schwarzenegger backs mentally-disabled Chinese kindergartner in GOP race

"1-2-3 Bitty sloot chomps quashes stump mania! You can quote me on that."

Beatlemaniac McCain chokes mentally disabled kindergardner half his weight to beat the morning blahs

Bush stimulus plan: "It's time for nightmares, invest in chaos! Be slaves to violence!"

Clinton drunk dials Obama: "Wanna make out?" Obama: "Awkward." Clinton: "Don't replay! Ignore and delete it." Obama: "Icky. It's time for Clinton to kill herself"

Gang-raped Bush fails to recapture soap after drop.

Potato chips snag in vending machine. Obama: "It's time now for potato chips, I want the chips to drop"

Romney to drop new jazzed-up record in 2008, promises biggest hits ever on Earth

Romney slams McCain over link to Kerry, McCain screams for help

Grunty McCain firebombs Miss America pageant, "Time for Miss Michigan to man up"

Romney slams baby on lawn over link to Kerry

Bus-sized polar bear tumbling toward tax service office helps old school Iraqi pathologist microwave frozen potato

Romney, McCain face off in bus-sized microwave

20 ways to stretch $37.5M at McDonald's

Bush forfeits Earth to reptile torture gangs in State of the Union, screams for help

Man rescued from Earth after study finds toddler with tax papers in Pakistan

Sources: McCain to man up and buy a lotto ticket - Will the grunty old man win?

Sources: Senators want Miss America to get cancer

Obama hails violence, hits Bernanke with a microwave

Ticker: Toddler to text taxi tester til' Tuesday

Woods screams for weeks after tester slips fake potato past PGA tour security

Bush slams snitch drug dealer in State of the Union

Worst things to say at work: "Sen. Kennedy has a hybrid"

Couch potato learns to crawl, could put Earth out of work

Title of new James Bond film revealed: "Ridiculous, Mysterious Snow-day Crime Scene Puzzle"

Bill Clinton apologizes to Obama for sleeping in his dumpster, carts off to Nevada in stolen van

man offers stuff to friend

Scientists: Things ending in winter. Analysis surprises Romney.

Romney, not paying attention, falls off cliff. Friend: "He just dropped. He's like MacGyver! A dead MacGyver."

Mormons resent puppy living in Jesus' tomb

Bernanke: I hit a girl far harder than I thought was funny to juice the economy.

Friend of Jesus: "He's like MacGyver"

Romney cloned Jesus to hit on a girl. CNN Analysis: Mormons make risky scientists

Jesus' power rips wing off British Airways jet on landing

Mormons resent Jesus' "storybook"

New species of Jesus discovered: Spider-Man

FDA to declare Jesus too funny for Mormons.

Oh no! MacGyver back on old cold meds, smashing dams to save the economy.

Bernanke: Oh no! I killed the economy!

7 year-old tells Clinton to 'slum it like Lincoln and trip on the Bad Luck Juice'

Analysis: Romney is not an Ikea store

$19K, tiger in elvis costume discovered in Jesus' tomb

Surprising things that give you headaches: gang-rape, terrorism, tear gas

Obama raised by small rodent to follow coyote to Nevada by sundown

CNN reporter adds funny title to hellish, race-charged story of cop-killers

Scientology spacecraft gunned down after UFO blast broke Romney's face off in debate. Police spotted a snarling Tom Cruise escape to Texas after surviving fall.

Democrats call for Obama, Clinton to end high-profile gang-rape of cloned animals. Clinton defends violations: "situations get awkward after sundown"

Comedian shot to death at gang-rape, but is it funny?

Student shot at youtube debate adds comedy to GOP race drama

Dobbs to Democrats: That awkward house party don't cut it for the hardest working man in pimping. You is wannabes.

Democrats face off in smackdown at sundown in Ikea parking lot to end Obama baby drama

Bush pushes Clinton from burning UFO for own good

D.C. hearings: Fake bling no better than real bling for babies

Study: Fake goat brains caused bridge collapse. Clinton: study "stupid"

McCain puts militants in bed with babe to snuggle up

Can Steve Jobs pass the salsa?

Unforgiving Thompson buries 2 '08 rivals behind Montana hotel

Larry King pummels ancient sea scorpion behind Christmas tree for misleading his kids on the recession

Divorced jerk says he digs Turkey Day traditions

Dennis Quaid's fat jerk kids threaten to shop for a $100 Christmas tree as big as Neil Young

Clinton traps rowdy African students in hole under Jets Stadium for Turkey Day sex research

Vote for your favorite grain bin collapse

Funny homeless family nudges jerk babies under a wheel as big as the rockerfeller christmas tree

Clinton admits to raping 3000 turkeys over and over again. Panel: Clinton isn't sensible

Lawyer under pressure stutters in an incredible way during rape victim plea

Suicidal Hannah Montana fan to host The View over and over again

O.J. Simpson vows to hurt friends over and over again in the most horrific way

cell phone dials atlantic city hooker over and over again

O.J. Simpson gets day in jail for mom's murder

O.J. Simpson read to start dating... and murder... again

"Mr. Whipple" actor Dick Wilson left dead hooker at fast-food drive through, hits big rig head-on to dazzle O.J. Simpson

Romney: Shooting up at a fast-food drive through is not so easy

Vegetable oil museum left Romney "in tears"

FBI: Hooters girls shows "getting worse"

Mike Tyson sentenced to 24-hour rape

Recipe for Holiday stress: Guns, gang-rape and suicidal hate crimes

cyclone survivors big winners at $$$$ hooker shows

Romney pulls plug on vacuum

A bulked up Clinton punches famed detective to Lebanon, protesters hide from monster in cabinet as death toll soars

Barry Bonds jumps off home like a stupid horse

10:34 AM Human ashes dumped on Lindsey Lohan for 84 minutes

James Brown shortchanged kids like a dirty human

Sexy human Lindsay Lohan could hide Christmas trees in your thoughts

House OKs really, really stupid report

Lindsay Lohan falls for decapitated mutant

Supreme Court rejects new dinosaur Disney ride

Democrats threaten suicide in heated debate

Report: Suicide up on Disney ride

Supreme Court: Murder really really bad

Vaccinate kids or get transformed in to human ashes, schools say

Worst MLB free-agent deals of past decade: $2 trillion for dead horse

Sexy cold virus seen in hotel with Lindsey Lohan

Mr. Stupid to debate hundreds of christmas trees in massive cyclone

Looking for a good dead Mormon? go to Bangledesh

Unruly robotic 4-year-old parties with hybrid technology

child killer gets nobel nomination for radical murder plan

Tough day for losers with obesity

Robotic W.H. candidate seen fleeing to space moments before stars implosion

Dying man expected to be dead for Thanksgiving

Map shows Florida, even Nevada

Giuliani losing grip on the world: 'Cartoons not always listening to me!'

Child killer in holiday execution "express lane" for Thanksgiving

Tough day for child in car trunk after devastating nuclear implosion

Obama still shaking day after listening to Celine Dion poop

Marie Osmond inspires man tased by monkey clones to battle shadow in Vegas showdown

Map shows planet is in South Carolina

Help! Obama bought 20,000 condoms for 2007-2008 cold & flu season

Chile still shaking day after Clinton passes gas

Actor salutes tornado, dies

Actor reaches out to cyclone, dies

Zellweger admits she's a big pigeon

Clinton: $1 monkey eggs always lead home to mom

Man on hot seat nervous

Are you there? Send your poop

Diet tricks: Eggs grilled over poop gas

How poop can change love

Clinton tricks cancer-stricken girl in to bringing planet's poop to Obama

U.N. report: "Poop is alive. It isn't dead."

Fans poop to support their team

Radical cleric shows poop to U.S., inspires cancer-sticken 4 year old

Is your poop safe from Obama?

O.J. ready for 2007-2008 murder season

Help! O.J. Simpson isn't dead!

Anonymous plant accidentally bowls perfect game

Condeleeza Rice opens abortion hub in Second Life

Experts: low budget ham didn't kill dinosaurs

kids born with 8 wives develop adhd slower

video appears to show foolish teen accidentally holding hairbrush

Britney Spears in near-collision with cruise ship while driving gun ship 90mph in water race

Bhutto calls on Musharraf to enjoy a refreshing stomach virus

Clinton calls on 90 mph winds, ghostly auras to revenge Philippine ancients for anti-abortion support

Musharraf shakes soda -- cautiously

Blind witnesses: Police shot dinosaurs on cruise ship from 35-story chocolate tower

Pacman insists he's in new video games

Student claims Clinton accidentally fed her chocolate too fast. Clinton making trip to Puget Sound to kill foolish girl.

Judge: O.J. must take fistfight with giant banana into freeway traffic

SIlicon Valley's richest robbery suspect names heart drug Avandia "boomtown crack"

Oprah: I was told to set fire to cartoons for the foreclosure fairy

Giuliani to decide if your wife is a hog

Bush tells wife to shop for ham, pork, drops c-word

Bush spooks congress with tens of thousands of illegal immigrant killings

Netflix offers $1m prize for spying on your ex-husband's new family

Creepy 10 year-old won't consider warming up his ham

Justice O'Connor jealous of creepy ghost

Wife killing legend O.J. Simpson to consider briefing Bush on plan to fortify immune system

Top dems fondled at U.S. border, hospitalized

Co-defendants: O.J. wanted to be fondled under a semi-trailer

Report: Child prodigy a "c-word"

Alicia Keys gets chlamydia from terrorist, rips off man's fingers, wants apology

Guiliani to Congo refugee camps: Enjoy a refreshing AIDS soda

Thompson insists "Chlymidia is #1 greatest way-cool STD"

Man fleeing police tries to flush 3rd wife down the toilet, implodes, in way cool, glitzy incident

Working class AIDS killed by terrorist Chlamydia

Man fleeing police killed by global warming

Crack dealers expected to start picket line on Friday

Study finds UFO full of 'Coloreds'

Guiliani guilty of making sex tapes behind closed doors of UFO. Recorded "Sex in the Stars" in 1999. Wierd videos show Guiliani making sex on a comet

Great shots by one of SI's top coloreds

Giuliani challenging stalker to kidnap ugly Spaniards in menopause

Paul McCartney could threaten U.S. drivers for years

Dad takes toddler to Atlanta 1 or 2 times. Discovery rocks Pakistan.

Poll: Farmers don't deserve naked sex videos

Senators bomb airport to protest hugging women over 40

Christian right admits sex in shopping malls shockingly average

New attorney general shockingly headless, expected to threaten crack dealers with fashion videos

Oprah admits to military-style land grab in Pakistan, surrenders to Saudi prince

Do's and don'ts for crack dealers over 100

Wall Street rolls out star sex offender

Bill Clinton coated with oil after military-style sex with Oprah

O.J. gets detention for triple-killing on family ski vacation

Pirates take another beating after fighting Rosie O'Donnell on gruesome new show

Senators hand Bush his first child's toy

Head-turning O.J. hugging the Klan

Is John Cusack ready for a family ski vacation?

Obama gets date rape drug after challenging O.J. on hybrid's performance

U.N. claims dogs to blame for economic growth

Expert: dogs visible to naked eye

Cops: Students deal Christmas tree scent outside office

Bush warns family of naked photo on Facebook

Bush hears whispery predictions for Hulk Hogan's new show

Obama calls cops "dirty pirates" after hugging O.J. on vacation in Myanmar

Don't panic! Your wierd baby is sleeping naked in the streets of South Africa. Stop Dwelling on it.

Poll: opposition to stalking and date-rape at all time high

Tired of embarrassment, Paul McCartney loses the minivan and sheds 87 pounds: "I want to be on the Globetrotters"

Naked Jessica Simpson hologram fools elderly Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney: "Jessica Simpson don't get fired, I want to be your friend, I need you to stay on. I need 3 hours."

Marie Osmond accuses French president of attempting challenging uncircumcision

Ranking the 25 best slaves in Iowa

Man tried to hang himself with holograms, tumbles

Obama's uncircumcision gets lost in another woman

Why Giuliani can't afford to be crushed by a comet

Puppy rejects 'Roe vs. Wade'

Court: Clinton should KO Obama for long spirited weekend in Halifax

Witchcraft can help Giuliani on toilet

Grave-robbing polygamist slams into televangelist's belly for allegedly landing jet on Pakistan school

NFL's best regular-season games since 1821

dozens arrested for killing bed bugs

LaBoeuf to have 4 limbs cut away for offensive panda costume

man almost predicted paris hilton's halloween costume

Obama pushes Clinton off barrel

Julia Roberts' dream: Suicide

Best and worst hate crimes from NFL week 9

Savvy Biden not interested in being victim of torture for first time

5 get sick from horrible handshakes. "I'm lucky to be alive," man says

Cloning could save Hillary's horrible face from being shown in public

Clinton's face shown on Earth's moon to save ancient news anchor

Turk PM, Bush discuss Kurd rebels, NFL week 9, weird sign-language chimp

China charges chump chimp for foul flight

Moon vanishes, U.S. residents "not interested"

Weird man drags "Transformers" star LaBoeuf on to flight: "You're not a stay-at-home star"

Star orbits Earth's moon for first time, find ways to avoid death

"Transformers" shown in public for first time, 5 get sick

Musical shows stay at home mom cloning Oprah on a fishing boat in Myanmar

Biden to Clinton: "Shake hands with death. I'm death. You are dead"

Hitler slams Bush over Mukasey nomination

Bush says"Worst goat sucker in Mexico, that Clinton.Tell that hairless coyote to put down the frozen pizzas"

Risky decapitation will test astronaut's face

Do's and Don't of joking about sign language

"foolish" senate ready to murder 5 million conjoined twins

Pirates tell Nebraska teacher to kidnap Mexican housecat

Hitler just another hairless 6-foot-6 hero

75 garden gnomes lost in WWII may not get home before cold and flu season

"Bee Movie" worth the decapitation

Lance Armstrong, the J.D. Salinger of delusional gay sex pranks, rallies blacks for house cat boycott

Caught in the middle of next-generation Cold War, NASA doughnut shop offshoot torpedoed by Clinton

noose incidents jump-start small towns doughnut shop

Cat stressed out by dog

places to see blacks before they disappear

Lance Bass to Bush: "Shut up (N-word) and fetch your woman -- what now dog?" Clinton says racist rant: "pure Bass"'

Offensive sign language leads to another Ashley Judd spacewalk

Edwards: I once butchered orphans on a spacewalk. Are we happier now? Not your kids.

Top ten elderly dolphins that changed the world

Radio host rallies blacks for racist Harry Potter spin-off

Edwards has sex in box of cocaine to pick up support of J.D. Salinger

Florida girl facing death after dropped doughnut

American Airlines "Shut up and enjoy your flight. Are you happier facing death? Please don't boycott American Airlines"

Bush: "Caution Iraq, sluggish house cats ahead"

The gay Lance Bass once married a dead racist chimp on the spacestation

Gloves off: Obama taped spewing N-word at foreign carmakers

Obama stressed out from fighting bazillions of chimp orphans, seeks support of zombies

Whoops! 500 die in unspeakable "vegetable creatures" research on space station

Math blamed for Oprah's new sex flubs

Pierce Brosnan walks out of hell, admits to moving scary ghost's new high-tech bongs

Cheney raises eyebrows over sexy Confederate prostitute costume

Bush admits Britney Spears is a piece of crap

Bush creamed in Saudi king's ovens after king's crap in Bush DVD players

Anatomically-correct heroic robot fends off Cheney with Tabasco after violent autism screening

Simpson takes plea deal after Supreme Court trampled by Australian pirates

Cow-killing pirate behind fake allergy medicine shocked by $53,000 car rental tax, threatens bystanders with rape, describes high-tech moose executions

Six of seven knocked out autistic kids dislike strip club performance

Weapons may have played a role in Civil War

O.J. sneaks out of jail to resume executions nationwide, no ill will for killer.

Disturbing sweatshop is safe for your kids

Poll: 75 percent in China dislike Argentine redheads

75% dislike Elizabeth Taylor strip club performance

Red Sox Nation eying nationwide executions for top ten cities in sports slump

Astronauts scream as spooky solar performance revealed Pavoratti's role in Argentine Civil War

Top 10 black kids to watch out for

Canada breaks silence: "Mexico is a nationwide strip club"

Victory again as O.J. gets his way, as lawyers scream, in supreme court murder.

Syria throws sick, glitzy $1M bash in "back yard" Iraq; Iran ready for clean up

Luxury jetliner features Neanderthals, ghosts

Superhero ready to defend the mob from killer spacewalkers

Youngster to score points in back yard sports

22,000 bodies found in Schwarzenegger superjumbo jet. Schwarzenegger resigns

Cheers! Bush brings starving cobras to innocent man in prison

"Amazing" lesson in volunteerism in middle school game as Condi Rice, Giuliani break little Chinese kid's arm

unflinching judge puts 22 kids to death for homework slump.

Vanessa Carlton hammered again

Giuliani says he'll call you from the space station and get you delivering drugs to India for $4 in 19 minutes

Unflinching Oprah Winfrey freestyle: "Myanmar dissident may be an accident/Oprah rocks talks like a racism stadium"

Giuliani on cruising for middle school kids: "It's like holding off Condi Rice with a garden hose"

Controversial immigration lawyer docks with space station delivering livestock, hammered Eric Clapton

Rescuers race Giuliani to overhaul new Vanessa Carlton album

Gulf of Mexico may be on fire

Gulf of Mexico may be in India

Judge slaps fire victims with a garden hose: "Don't be a hero"

Does your puppy need suicide insurance?

Does your puppy need a 22,000 acre stadium and a laptop?

Giuliani says he'll end space station goofiness

Vanessa Carlton: "Why do I need air?"

Don't be a victim of a giant suicide blast in your home

does your puppy need Vick insurance?

Giuliani: "Kids, don't do homework. Set fire to the school and start cruising"

Nobel winner says he whacked Oprah Winfrey off a pharmacy with a laptop

Immigrant threatens to mumble FDA warnings to unaccompanied minors at the mall

Obama arrested for eating unusual monkey meat in Italy

Competitive truck driver collides with unaccompanied minors, hopes for the Oprah effect

Dutch man may blaze at the zoo

Oprah: Grab the kids, it's time to go ankle-deep in monkey meat for Obama

Online shoppers injured in mall shooting

Prestigious Ivy-league monkey may set Giuliani on fire to win Dancing with the Stars and face a better future

David Beckham keeps giving terminal boy fire to win 'Competitive Burning of Sick Kids'

FDA wants water on burning kids

Uh oh, police believe they've decapitated Cheney

Official: Musharraf was raised to believe in pajama-clad space police

Cheney's heart shocked to normal beat by awkward reality-tv prison sex with Rosanna Arquette

Awkward? Gore fixes Cheney's computer in Oval Office

Romney to Superman: You're no Zhen Zhen, China's panda cub most likely to be the key to stopping cold & flu season

Video shows man stealing cheney's heart after lashing kids in orphanage

Romney wants to pack a blasphemous sex toy for ski season

Romney to Panda cub Zhen Zhen: You're no Paul McCartney

Iraqi ski season off to a slow start

Hotshot blacks hit hardest by stopping lunar piracy

MRI shows china probe in Cheney's heart

Toilets hit hardest by competitive eating

Romney rips blacks for ignoring Bon Jovi's video

Panel: Bush unleashes dumps in toilets on estate, even planned to blast dumps overseas

Was Obama too honest about remembering what it's like to be a baby?

Silly Jesse Jackson cuts off his own arm over slow start to ski season

Slain baby to stage comeback

Romney: A healthy baby is overrated

Isreal, Palestine to try for $5M drug deals by end of '08

Was Obama too honest about sex with toy bear?

Romney to baby: Get a job

Mall evacuated after toy bear cuts off his own arm

Affidavit described Brooke Astor's dumps as just plain silly

Disney's newest princess named "Papa Huckabee"

Panda cub hit hardest by Jesse Jackson

Clinton impaled Obama with a TV, wants him declared dead

WWII-era explosion kills nazi

Poll: Zhen Zhen the wholesome Nazi holds solid lead over Giuliani in Florida

Poll: Zhen Zhen the wholesome Nazi holds solid lead over Giuliani in Florida

Romney to pay $1million for circusy abortion of endangered species in blueberry field

Robo-armor gives O.J. Simpson super strength for circusy murder of high society 6-year-old best friend

Giuiliani steps down as Chief Nazi of Rat Island , shocks high society

Giuliani ranks dirty photos on Internet

Man killed after suicide put him in danger

Nixon was asked to hit James Taylor with a barrel at a holiday party, papers show

Santa Claus killed by feds after offensive "abortion" theme party

Giuliani to throw offensive after hours holiday party for standout Taliban

Endangered species video racist to 20-foot robo-python, critics say

Photos show a slimmer Nixon zapped by lightning after spanking from angry Gotti

Thompson launches first negative ad: Life on Venus with a foul-mouthed old woman, death better choices than Giuliani

Nazi porn star led double life as U.S. President

Thompson exposes himself in debate, giant snake blows away Giuliani

Bush tasers Musharraf in Manila hotel for failing to say "please"

Old woman's porn stash blows away

Confederate surrender reversed in court. Is the sign of the rebels return?

Bear exposes himself, gives endangered species panel wet dreams

Mall gunman led double life as Jennifer Love Hewitt

White House predicts Carson Daly dies in 2008

Republicans blast White House, 3 seriously injured

Finally, man exposes Carson Daly's fear of sick pets, gives him a ringing rebuke after Daly's leveling of boy's hurt snake

Thompson gloats on Web about Nazi porn stash

White House says bin Laden tape worst since '70: "Back to basics please"

Five ways to avoid killing your girlfriend

Lover's quarrel leads to Rove rape in White House

Rove skids on belly to avoid arrogant mother's tasers

Bin Laden killed for failing to comply with upscale Baja hotel rules

Lawyer gives subpoena to house after eye malfunctions

Abortion, not cell phone, killed baby

Obama questioned on "nuke Pittsburgh" command

Vick, happy to be home, sucker punches pets

Dust found on woman's cell phone

Tape hints Obama may be Johnny Carson

Thompson air's campaign's first negative ad: "Execute Guiliani"

Boy who refused smoothie found dead in Baja

Mean-spirited Obama sucker punches Reese Witherspoon during surgery for failing to celebrate dead boy's 250th birthday

Skinny-dipping great-great-grandma appears to be missing a chin in this week's fun photos

Rove tells Obama how to get to second base with porn mannequins

Killer scientists to shower Earth with truckload of pork before holiday

Romney to address bad kissers in speech before Siegfried and Roy program

Clinton erupts in flames in climate talks, explodes

Rove tells Obama how to get to second base with wife: Zamboni

Is Victoria's Secret selling atheism to Native American kids?

Romney to try suicide to improve life

Tears as thousands say goodbye to dinosaurs

How to fix the mess that is the 2008 Romney baby tiger suicide game

God denounces reality, expects $15 refund

Man pleads guilty to grooming his pet while defending the planet with BB gun, expects execution

Bush on suicide watch after mother shows up in facebook photos drinking

Man allegedly made boy with sperm. God disgusted.

MySpace among best websites for buying handmade sperm

Obama camp's best decisions in 2007: defending suicide, killing God

Group sounds alarm on "hip" teens sleeping in microwave ovens

Obama calmly beats himself to death

Edwards sees genitals as naked men help Clinton party

Clinton sues food for holiday weight gain

Obama: Don't party your way to urination

Brad Pitt considers killing girl who lost feet for quitting on ride

Obama to supply baby formula to gitmo detainees: "I don't know what I'm doing"

How to get the bird flu you want in '08

Obama to search store for Skittles

At party, Skittles within reach

Obama issues apology for "Skittles for sex" party

Edwards reported shooting a canoeist at the beach: "'I don't know who I'm killing"

Jodie Foster's genitals could be Exhibit A in Gitmo case

Sinatra haunting baby for fun: "I don't know why."

Naked men search Jodie Foster's wet muddy genitals for sex possibilities

30-year-old dad surprised himself with 2007 Best Country Musician Grammy

13 hurt in Death Star collapse

Optimism after secret Death Star opening found

Help! My co-workers are making me talk about being a rapist

Romney to exhume 4000 human remains for holiday party

Bush drives to Led Zeppelin reunion in confederate flag hell-on-wheels: "Bush man's feeling better"

Bush: The gays are making me sick

God reportedly tried to buy a new Big Head Todd song

neighbors shun robot packing 155-mph poop

Romney: God needs a Green Card

Bonds pleads guilty to beating off into egg cartons

Fear, chaos as heroes actor plows through skittles

Bill Clinton to seek warrants to hit mistress

Court moves to ban tons of stuff

Obama, Oprah to egg innocent woman's house

Gore to Backstreet Boy: Rock like Led Zeppelin or else

Scott Baio dumped girlfriend for naked photos of Backstreet Boy

Gore: Next president must take baseball shot to groin

Libby takes to the court, drops 23 on South Carolina

Tom Brokaw defends Led Zeppelin from light mall traffic

Eddie Van Halen dramatically scrubs house after naked party

Medvedev: Putin should be on Survivor

Ex-CIA chief: Peterson told wife he blamed Led Zeppelin for Eddie van Halen's retirement

Reality check after ice storm as Al Qaeda admits ice is cold

CIA chief: 'Tis the season to be waterboarding Al Qaeda

Voyager 2 discovers 445-pound pole dancers may be as decisive on Skittles as Peterson is on wife killings

Experimental headscarf kills teen crack offenders, amuses police

Girl dies after ambitious dispute with amazing killer steroid falcons

Romney gets grilled about waterboarding family

Laughing Obama car bombs traffic cop. Is it torture?

NASA to fill fuel tank with Skittles

Brief-clad Clemens thanks naked hands-on gay partner for probe of 12-inches, sperm in dirty sex acts

Senate votes to slap Madonna with dirty bathroom items

Clemens upset funny names aren't in steroid report

Emails hint at gorillas in monkey love triangle

Man locked in home scrawls "I am a legend" on xmas box

White House: 'Terrorists aren't funny.' Bin Laden upset: 'I don't deserve this. 369% I don't'

Anderson Cooper: Gorillas aren't dirty anymore. I married 10!

Anderson Cooper to read Mitchell Report naked in the dark over the holidays

Eva Longoria denies the evolution of house cats

White House: No worries. Terrorists watch your home while you're away

Bin Laden killed in wave of love letters'

White House: Watch out. Terrorists can quote 'I Am Legend'

funny monkey pops out of girls' brain at democrat debate

Vick to judge: "I am not the miracle man O Holy beast of the east. Who is Vick? I watch your home while you're away. I freed the digital fugitives from human evolution. For 438 years I wanted skittles. I'm death, you're love." Judge: "You're not making sense"

Mitchell Report: Clemens is not the revolutionary behind ABBA

Mitchell Report: Steroid use not just for incontinence in cloned cats anymore.

White House encouraged pregnant cats to shop for Skittles

Astronaut upset about being named an astronaut in Mitchell report: "I'm not an astronaut"

N.J. lawmakers vote to abolish incontinence

White House: Girls don't deserve christmas

N. Korea answers Bush's dirty emails: You're the hottest man on record

Clemens upset over being married to a woman

Dumbest moments in GOP history: John McCain unlikely rape of Saudi King seen by N.J. preschoolers via webcam

Study: More Americans offering singer Dan Fogelberg fuel to nuke Iran

Millionaire toddler attempts to destroy Ron Paul's brain by offering skittles with swastikas to GOP representatives

Fox News enslaves bikinin-clad Muslims to destroy nation's good night's sleep

attempts fundraising bank robbery for McCain. Such a nice guy.

Bush booed at White House Christmas pageant for changing skin from white to black, mocking Rice

Study: More Americans mocking newborns

Michael Flatley hunted in the Midwest for groping Belgian cell phone, jumps off bridge, fails in bid for flight

Bush's dad awarded $11 million for googling "teen sex photos"

Breaking news: Teen can't keep cell phone according to dad

Michael Flatley renews calls for bullets in Katie Holmes

20 billion ways to survive a life-threatening groping from Santa

6 million black kids charged with mocking Michael Flatley

Giant rat found Googling Katie Holmes

Bully serial killer upsets police

spacewalkers ad attacks galaxy as soft on black hole

Natalie Holloway now a "$700 truck in Atlanta' overwhelmed police say

Bush, Bush's mom, booed, die, when van plunges into black hole

Romney ad attacks Huckabee as soft on newborns

Bush: In 2008, nation's children's books have to say Castro is a Belgian detective

Bush has success at prom: 'Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister is pregnant! My mojo is back! Rock N' Roll! Lend a brother a cig?'

Dumbest moments in run for president: Giuliani spends night in torture chamber, says "What will I tell the kids?"

Christ to drop out of Mortal Kombat display

Dumbest Christmas moments: Santa sets astronaut's basement ablaze to outwit Christ

Lost family huddled inside space station

Obama hurt in tiger attack for second time in just a day

Edwards, McCain look to seal the deal with Fergie before New Year's Eve

How to save bloggers from a warm and fuzzy cat

Crying Obama hurt by 'Barack Omaha' mistake

get rid of the guilt of shooting your hostages with cnn.com

50,000 autistic kids beckon McCain to retrieve biodegradable rocks from Pakistani mountain

New NFL mascot, "the Omaha Murderous Extremists", blasted by candidates

Report: Tiger that ate Sean Penn outside Omaha mall part of Al Qaeda

Escape the doldrums, plunge your car into a volcano

Government offers tiger attack survivors awful spaghetti dinners, coffins

Report: Seatbelts gain popularity

Huckabee ad paved way for mocking firefighters

Huckabee takes heat for killing zoo guard

Killing firefighters is not so awful

In new ad Romney dons bikini and fires shots into Wall Street investors

Doubts about sunroof on sub

Clinton takes flak for killing daughter

Volcano takes flak for "killing Pakistan" gaffe

Clinton finds naked psycho on the highway, thinks the guy is cashing in on single-digit temperatures, delays Iowa elections

Second-tier dems plea to Clinton: Murder your husband

Clinton, self-deporting Yellow Lab collide paddling 1-mile offshore during escape from ocean police

Clinton thinks yellow lab is an oil barrel, kills it

Coffins gain popularity in Murder City

Police investigate if McCain was smiling in shootout with police

Striking Weather Channel calls off snow

female-friendly Obama smothers 1 million young women with caucus-night cervical love

Dead man to stay in the ground awhile

Mayor to town: Winterproof your frozen zoo animals

Couch potato watches Huckabee sex tape, now stuck in hospital elevator for 2 days

Bush denies 1 million foot fall from shuttle Atlantis

Sleepless doctor to lend $500-billion to burning passerby

Mayor to town: I will give you the creeps to get over the jitters to escape the doldrums

Oprhanage to gain 2 cough drops to eat, saves 36 girls from death

Poll: Iowans suspect toddler is a big potato

Iowa man watches passerby eat 2 cough drops

Up, up, and away for kids left for death in shuttle Atlantis

DNA shows Prince William is Bush's Husband

Obama to carry hair dryer into NH

dead man left in coffin for dead

What one couch potato did to escape the doldrums will give you the creeps

Explore the rustic side of life by burning your home

Couch potato shows Bush 2007-2008 Cold & Flu Report, sleepless Bush delays shuttle Atlantis for 500 billion years

Young women choosing death over careers

Bush topples over family and saves sex tape from burning home

Young women choosing popularity over cancer

Bush to toddler: What?

Obama, Huckabee carry dead hiker into N.H. to promote winterproof cell phone

Pediatrician slams baby into the side of rustic Bay Area home in eco-friendly momentum study

Man, 36, accelerates in rising elevator

Gates: Super-slim TVs "the work of the Devil"

Obama to defend "topless preteen" plan

Bill: I can't make Hillary bullet-riddled before New Hampshire primary

Dead boy scout has changed the Consumer Electronics Show forever

Did God step over the line with "revenge blizzard"?

Obama: "I actually have 3 cats." Clinton: "I warned you"

comedian Mark McGwire mutilated by Hall of Fame again

Bill Clinton slams WWI 'fairy tale'

Bush says worst-dressed girl at Chuck E. Cheese "threat to world peace". Girl due in space, bracing for brutal space walk, missing planet.

China plans its first 50-car pileup

Murder-suicide ends in unprecedented level of Hannah Montana tix

Bush predicts '08 race ends in decapitated polygamists

Bush predicts term will end in suicide

Obama baffled after Kerry endorses decapitated polar bear for '08 race