END OF THE YEAR NEWS BASH!

Poll: Americans OK with raping Hitler post-Soviet style... drugged and in a schoolgirl uniform

Obama to team up with KKK for $80,000 bin Laden birthday bash and welcomes world to the party

Poll: Americans OK with Palin being drugged, left in McDonalds bathroom

After a year of raping and looting Connecticut KKK style, "Hannah Montana" ready to die

10 arrested for post-Soviet style snuggles at Supreme Court initiation rite, say police

Obama's team may include dejected supremacists

Palin thanking second opinion of health scientists, says she's finally OD'd on flu shots

U.S. reviewing policy on Lisa Bonet, deny death plot

Simon Cowell dies from self-inflicted push

Anonymous child linked to hot dog buns

Violent video games keep lawyer killed by gunfire alive

Obama saves girl from singing AC/DC to mom with historic public torture at Phillies rally

How will Zombies affect NBA's 63rd season?

Bikini-clad NFL stars no match for killer Colombian rebels

Palin dismayed by rumors of tough times in the GOP job market, chains self to Alaska Governor's mansion

U.S. official confirms silly rumors of whales procrastinating worldwide

Researchers may have found Charles Barkley connecting phone in home

Stevens to Alaska voters: "Your governor is a notorious, stinky low life. Fire me. No, murder me."

How to stop spies from running out of beer

Palin delivering stinky cheese, dozens of lazy child prostitutes to infamous Zimbabwe cable provider, aides gripe

Midwest high school copes with drunken gay firing squad scare

U.S. in the midst of "Halloween fun" Greenspan says

Phillies' memorable game 1 inspires WIlliam Shatner to chloroform beached killer whale near San Francisco

Catholics worried the rocket car is faster than a horse

In angry flier prescreening, strip search of Obama leads to amputation of legs

3 out of 4 Americans scared of Anne Hathaway's destructive impatience

Poll: 3 out of 4 Afghan aid workers scared that Greg, Marcia Brady wanted to destroy the moon in 1929

Joe the Plumber has romance explosion/STD for Palin

Poll finds Americans hope your STD burns

Commentary: U.S. should have tighter porn stars

Obama stabs self for failing to smile at Colin Powell's endorsement

106-year old overwhelmed by bad first 100 years, decides to kill self

Fat kid endorses food

Obama slammed for knife rampage over calculator trouble

Spacecraft to probe edge of Ali Larter's dog

Joe the plumber finally leaves U.S. for edge of solar system

McCain: "I love being thirsty"

Fey decides to kill Palin on SNL for bad impression of a calculator

Explosion survivor hints that 4 fingers not enough

Cheney's abnormal heart rhythm fractures chihuahua's pelvis

Bernanke tells 5th grader "Recovery will take time, now shut up." threatens murder

Freak accident proves Obama may be on Mars

What's wrong with being Muslim when you are drunk and in flames?

Trump: Bush deserved to be drunk in 2005

What Marcia Brady says about your career in Muslim porno: "Be yourself, what's wrong with muslim porno?"

Is Obama taking Mark Wahlberg's pelvis for granted?

CNN reveals how to be a real life incredible shrinking Thai kickboxing champ with no catchphrase

McCain Obama to emit incredible 13-month squeal for 3rd debate

Analysis: Palin needs to watch porno or shut the hell up

Less predictable Obama says "My new name is Tim Peterson" to 2 jews waiting at a bus stop

Biden survives outdated breastfeeding lectures.

3 experts on market crisis: What the hell?! No! Make it stop!

He-man faces gay backlash for doing cyndi lauper

Michelle Obama not offended by racist homicide of U.S. kindergartners

CNN announces Top 10 race-baiting cactus thieves of the future

McCain, Obama say they will surrender to "sweet" future race of whales

Conservative lawmakers ask McCain how to hide from people with down syndrome

Hooray, David "Gotcha" Gergen reportedly punches Bill Clinton after candy found in Prius. Oh yes.

Gore calls for candy makers to put Paul Newman's head in the freezer

Desperate holocaust victim going back to auschwitz to find a job

Scarlett Johanssen debates getting a cheesesteak in nova scotia

Bush found in disarray skywalking to weird primeval music

McCain buries car in sand, wants a cookie

Bush hitches ride on crab, worries "we're going to implode"

Breaking news: These guys shot these two other guys in Philadelphia

Experts scared of mad tourists after Large Hadron Collider accident. Sources: France blown to pieces

Your cheap tie sickens Obama

McCain on son arrested on drug charges: "What took so long? The boy's a pill huffing cop-killer"

Devastated Ike-surviving homeowners find little comfort in Pakistani gunbattle

Poll: kittens act like Pakistani bombing suspects

Ron Paul calls Bush his "latino honeymoon boy"

Veterans to soldiers: "Microsoft? It's doomed"

McCain retires "murder your dogs" campaign ad

Bush: "We must fix the crisis". Bush to google "economy"

Bush to army: It's ok to murder latino folks now

Source: Jealous Bush beat Palin's new cat to death to soothe fears of "morphing creatures". Bush to Palin: "Get over this immediately"

Service texts you questions about your father in a jealous rage

Four Maitre D's bicker over the popularity of rice in Zimbabwe town-hall 13 months after Heidi Klum washes her cat in NYC building

Rescuers free "miracle cat" from toilet. Rescuers beat "miracle cat" to death.

Bush fears death, plans to die on toilet

Is your cat jealous of the amish, or is it autism?

How grizzly bears morphing in to lizards could mess up Fashion Week

Bush seeks to soothe economy with 13 months of forced slavery for hurricane victims

Rove says sex with grizzly bears is worth the death

Bush on edge, answers "grizzly bears" to any question, Rove says

New study says you will die a slow death standing in a bloody mess as your cat answers your texts

Hillary Clinton ditching the moustache for Turkish porno

128 Billion reasons Mr. Rogers was the fattest ballerina ever

Drivers cut commutes by shooting Halle Berry

Fire near Branson's moustache destroys 117,000 billion miles of unusual beaches

New movie full of bits of stuff

Woman kills herself for free stuff

Study: Death quite a situation

America's math skills may be numbered

Good news for McCain: A ghost taught math to bears

Numbered stuff: "I'm math"

How to squeeze more heroin and murder into your kid stories

Math: We cannot afford to be divided

Obama calls girls chests in waffle house "embarassing"

Salman Rushdie almost accused of using sawdust

Larry King pummels ancient sea scorpion behind Christmas tree for misleading his kids on the recession

McCain drops the N-word 9 times during rocket launch

Biden blasts McCain as "middle class" near his 3 homes in Barcelona: "Have your son fix the Biden family jet"

Al Gore feeling pressure to cut down on n-word at the pump

Paris Hilton joke blamed for raging meltdown of nature, gravity morphing into formula you've never seen

How to avoid bears after death

Obama found in trash can, lashes out "Back off!"

China to lift ban on beating Paul McCartney's new girlfriend to death

God to field questions from media on bees, death

Study suggests grizzly bears could have wings

Video shows candidates slammed to the floor, rushed to Yellowstone to balance nature

McCain suggests trash can in White House is alive

Palin cancels event over infant's cough. The middle class "sickens" Alaska gov.

Palin blamed dwarfs for Wall Street crisis

Cindy McCain to field questions from Al Qaeda on Paul McCartney's cough on "The View"

Palin tries intentional weight gain to avoid thong exposure

Study suggests U.S. gas stations intentional

Bad eggs blamed for U.S. Embassy attack

Piglets rushed to U.S. embassy, overwhelm 3

Middle class found alive in Texas trash can

6 ways to attack greedy dwarfs with eggs

O.J. acknowledges murder of teen on Sunday far too casual, owes parents an apology

New vid of Obama limping to Venezuelan prison to pay for 401(k) sparks devastating panic, armageddons of fury

Why infants still die from 22-foot wall of toxic powder, manslaughter

Poll: Carlos Delgado must win the NL MVP or God will end the world this week

McCain topples over dead pig on way to car. McCain: "I thought there was no pig"

Study accuses Jesus of eating your face

Why star athletes should avoid eating meat found in graveyard

Ever wonder if Kim Jong Il is laughing at your Facebook connections?

Lance Armstrong to race "tour de nowhere" in giant atom smasher

adjust your work/life/klansman balance

Welcome to my party, klansman--now share your views on the facebook redesign or Kim Jong Il will use lipstick on your face with intensity, and he won't quit, he isn't dead yet.

Jesus just couldn't stay retired, world faces new big bang

Texas Coast braces for cyberspace Jesus

Cyberspace Jesus topples stolen cars over sea wall

Obama urges voters, "Bang a cheerleader, the world may end this week"

Kim Jong Il sucked into drain again as Steve Jobs watches

Obama takes swipe at last WWI vet calling his biological clock "out of line"

Obama calling for blacks to scrap secret killing program of white telecommuters

Poll shows O.J. Simpson should have killed his wife after the trial

O.J. arrives in NYC for months of wife killings

88% of DC's 8th graders can't talk

New McCain ad shows Harry Potter looking for a minivan on Mars

candidates claim to be microwaving in the cabinet

Brady officially dead for the season

88% of D.C.'s 8th graders should have to be dead, poll shows

88% of DC's 8th graders are officially drenched

88% of DC's 8th graders are consumed by guilt over offshore drilling

Can you handle the pain of a white OJ Simpson?

88% of those who survived OJ Simpson can't stop taking drugs

OJ kills 7, raises concerns

Unfaithful wife of OJ Simpson officially dead, mom now out of picture for family

McCain vows to hit Hillary with a frying pan

New phone pix of Obama's knee injury show us there's no such thing as physics

In unconventional convention speech John McCain lies to U.S. about the size of Florida, chants "Sarah Palin's a dude"

Can Steve Jobs beat up a duck? He does in a brief visit to Coney Island's "duck fighting forum"

Seven ways to spot a singing vampire that can play hockey

Stocks tumble on vampire fears

In a world where bums beat up vampires to escape recession fears, can one woman crash her Prius to save America?

No link between mile-high fall and jumper getting killed, report says

Four women McCain needs to tackle: Marylin Monroe, Beyonce's sister, Bristol Palin, and Elton John

Bush to come out at RNC and throw smoke grenades at Ron Paul delegates

Analysis: McCain needs to break up with hot teen boyfriend in convention speech, dammit

Bush deplores teen RNC delegates for buying songs on new music site, wants to nuke convention, aide says

Conga line of Amish dads to brief Bush on daughter's drinking habits

Bush, Leiberman sent to the Land of Make Believe to speak about souped-up raccoon incubator

Gustav evacuees told to brag about economy

Pizza guy brings food to party

Obama says free pizza is off-limits to the amish

Sherriff: Strong probability Cindy McCain is a dead panda

GOP: Don't believe Duchovny, McCain is not pole-dancing in Baton Rouge for income

Hair in diaper may grow into major hurricane, report confirms

Huckabee says porn may save our kids from pole-dancing

Report on Steve Jobs' belly fat appears to be published

Obama ditching confusing air guitar proposal: "The U.S. doesn't get it"

Obama: Don't beleive the hype. Now is not the time for fat kids from Tokyo to be pole-dancing in Alaska.

"Porn mode" allows obama to grow into the father of sex power

McCain: Surprise! The holocaust is not over.

How to walk off the holocaust

Dems say obama's heart transplant addiction could be a disaster

Airline promising to murder survivors for ditching life vests

Republicans brace for seXXXercise on American rooftops after air guitar world champion revealed as Huckabee

Jesus promising life for two tickets to New York's fitness convention

Finally, after 400 years, Jesus' attention getting ends

Joke $3 bill shows metro atlanta school district strengthening laptop battery life awareness

Obama smiles as he hears McCain has gas

McCain cuts off Obama's head as big joke. Should Obama get mad?

Obama continues to play Nintendo Wii as bus flips

Study: Obama in need of cost-effective nude Bigfoot picture

McCain's junk gets stimulus boost from photo of Oprah flirting with death

Time lapse shows un-american idiots pay exhausted dalai lama $100 million for unarmed foreign kid stranded in Philly

John McCain, having fun, threatens nuclear attack on Montreal

How to help your child cope with botched sex

Cheerleader having decent sex

Republicans unimpressed by Nancy Pelosi hip-hop slam

not-so-shredded baby mocks suicide bombings

Democrats prepare "carribean jailbreak" theme for convention

Abandoned baby saved by dirty nun sex

Obama ad shows Michelle wearing suicide vest bartering sex for white supremacist tattoo in ballfield full of dead kids

Michelle Obama's message in Denver: Let the suicide bombings begin

15 year-old dog murderer excited to appear at Canada's listeriosis convention

Sneezy suicide bombers close deal on security pact with Cody Campbell, the Jewish whale

McCain disses Moses as "Jewish joke who didn't pave way for outdoorsiness"

Obama embraces Nintendo after marketing of "Wii cervical cancer"

Abandoned baby whale spanked for faking the good life

Obama hospitalized after playing "guitar hero" for 200 hours with neighbor

Should Obama gas kids for sex?

Who is the hotter pin-up, Roseanne or 4-headed cat?

Breaking news: "The Fonz" should be put to death

50 one-legged, two-headed, four-eared kids in your dad's care reported dead after saving rock n' roll

Abandoned baby whale in Spain should pay for your kid's education, study shows

Who should pay for mom and dad's crack? Former Chinese leader Hua Guofeng.

Boomerang hit may cause diabetes

Sex offender admits the Fonz could become Obama's VP

After being left in plane for 22 hours McCain admits airline crashes can be funny

friends say noose to blame for suffocating man

Study finds the Cold War too sexy for your nightmares, too sexy for your nightmares

Many believe iPod Nanos healthier than food

How to avoid drinking anthrax

Bigfoot alive, rants about shallow NFL cheerleader

"It's better than sex" McCain says of testicular squeeze free-for-all

Cheney cut in half after soul-wrenching Madden '09 review

toddler impatient for drinking age

FBI admits the NFL season is longer than you think

27 iReporters die in iPod overheating

Bush rants about his unrequited love of the Williams sisters to NATO

McCain, swimming in gold money, slams snitches, gives his friends a shoutout on "Amazing Race"

Jared Leto in blackface replacing Obama to win over teen voters

Lost Phelps thinks mom is prostitute at Olympic party

Obama may end medieval prostitution game soon. iReport.com: Are you a prostitute?

Pakistan's Musharraf thinks cell phone is Laurence Fishburne

Experts: Peyton Manning may be someone else

Michael Phelps sees no other option, covers baby with biofuel

Experts punched over Grand Canyon misspelling

How to win big in foreclosure game--then murder a lizard!

How to know when to dump your 110-year-old jobless pedophile boyfriend

Obama ordered to scream for segregated Olympics

iPhone owners never knew Bin Laden was a terrorist

Disillusioned Favre returning to KFC to fry U.S. flag after loss of faith in God

Pedophile ring returning to former splendor after $4 billion fix

Obama murders rare ghost dinosaur in battle to force The Mystery King in to returning The Dark Ring to the Towers of Medal in Lost Cosmic Adventure

China accuses Bush of fertility problems

Reports: Bush lost iPhone in armchair

Report: Nothing moving still

Bin Laden faces uphill polling battle after Twin Towers accident

Bin Laden captures public attention with egg pasta, Twin Towers accident

iReporters disillusioned, murder God

Bush accuses armchair astronomer God of meddling with cosmic jets of radiation

Bin Laden touts Doctor Who as "a classic" in terror trial

McCain calls Iraq 'the prostate screening of freedom'

Voters' issue #1: that bag of maggots in the bedroom

Bad bipartisan bills boosting Bin Laden's biofuel bikini

Bill Clinton calls U.S. voters "maggots" in ad for Rwandan gorilla eggs

Polls say Bill Clinton's feeling up 6 dogs in a Utah mine

World War II reported in France

Cheny not expected to shake it in Paris Hilton's bikini

McCain calls starving children 'Redneck jerks.'

Religious retreats offer fake crack to elderly Mexican bank robbers

McCain kills family dog for staging fake GOP convention in Mauritania

Favre's coach warns grandma of "punitive action" for networking with religious mountain lion

Obama calls "bad sandwich smell contest" astonishing punishment for deadly gorilla attack

iReport.com: Immigrants have no life

Delta airlines to offer pain, punishment on U.S. flights

Obama calls breast exhibit at hot body museum "solid"

Robots due in U.S. court for gambling on laptop computer "hot body" contest

Republicans vow to wreck Obama's sandwich

Hundreds feared dead after Morgan Freeman attacks hockey team with pillow

Helpless plane hit by moose in downward spiral

man presumed to be dead forced to walk on trash for urgent porn auditions since ‘76

Beijing prepares for influx of fat losers

"I love barbaric bloodshed" Hollywood scum Jessica Simpson says after Afghanistan consulate bombing

Police say solar eclipse irregularities, not fatal beating, killed man

Obama holds meeting with frat-boy partier dude in pool of pond scum

Man charged in pregnant soldier's slaying defends Laboeuf's career, loses appeal

Cybercrime lords, Judge Judy reunite for Alabama road trip that retraces civil rights history

Child in Turkish bar who couldn't predict quake no threat to LaBeouf, feds say

Obama rejects Miley Cyrus, seen tapping Judge Judy

Dr. Gupta: Smokin with Jesus is healthy

Analysis: Jesus' new theme song is scum

Jesus: Dad's a way swirly dude. At home, at the bar... a party. No fake.

Jesus, who could just not stay retired, is back, dining out and slaying republicans

Kitten's blog about The Office is getting ugly

Analysis: Ugly dude in tank top no threat to U.N.

McCain defends midsummer war crimes party

Bush may hang up ugly fake kitten's fur tank top after road trip to Kosovo for Jack Johnson's pond party

Kids won't say how they feel about dude going down on mom

Bush screamed "Why?" in mom's face after fans gave Neil Young the finger

Bush expecting to be beheaded after U.S. economic growth forecast downgraded

Bush gets last laugh, approves fondling of goats

China, US lead way in fondling Ahmadinejad

Puppy kills 16% of Uraguay's Hummer owners

McCain bursts in to flames to feel cool like Obama

Hillary Clinton tasered 9 times for fueling Uruguay's beautiful amphicars with nasty cesspool vomit

Suicide bombers accuse each other of catering to paparazzi

Why can't the US get off on kangaroo sex?

Alzheimer's patients angry that homes morphed to giant mothership, probe finds

beer pulls man out of slump

Mr. Rogers moustache of death--friend to public or foe?

"Last lecture" professor taught killer bears how to fight NATO anti-terror efforts

Stubborn Chilli's manager needs more hotdogs now!

What every NFL team needs: a ghost with high self esteem

Heartsick Obama to fat Chili's patron: "Are 29,000 oily hot dogs necessary?"

AC360blog: Hooters girls walloped my dad with high-end hot dogs

Ghost: death reeks like a hotdog

"Death changed my life" says ghost

Science tells Math 10 reeks like death

2 million leaves Math, goes to Hooters

Congress forgives Bin Laden to repair self-esteem

Obama, on heroin, describes smell of Berlin smog "Zzzzzzzzzz crunch?"

how to squeeze more math into your sex life

Math: 5 coverage almost embarrassing

Math storm hits America, kills 200 million

Deadly Math crimes hit 5-year high

Math: We cannot afford to be divided

Obama stands by plan to rape whales

In Germany, Obama calls for world to rape the black man

McCain advisors keep focus on embarassing sex life

Saving whales from a life of organized crime

Is minumum wage really just for the black man?

Obama warns white people about the black man

Poll shows Obama winning over pop culture fanatics with inspirational grenade attack

McCain to pedestrian: I hate having the stinging jellyfish on me

Detroit mayor accused of lying about affairs crumbles to death

Contemptuous Obama hits cop with stinging jellyfish for 6th day in a row

10 ways to avoid a catfight when you are mauled by a bear during a bullfight

Obama to defend Spock's african past: He's a "N-word" to me

Sudan leader contemptuous of genocide charge, speeding ticket

Child molester Greg Norman invited to waste himself, by me, with antidepressents

OMG! African genocide is like worse than bad cell-phone video

The most interesting limps in summer olympics history

Expert says our addiction to oil is like a polygamist jellyfish taking antidepressants to rescue Mr. Spock's giraffe from shopping for Viagra in Mexico

Cop says your car smelled of a speeding ticket

OMG! Bush says word other than N-word!

McCain forgives daughter for paying $25 billion for photos of bearded woman

Photos released of Elie Wiesel confronting Spitzer's call girl over salmonella found on pepper confuse "View" host

NYtimes rejects McCain essay about pricey pedicures

iReport.com: Cruise ship dancer looks like Elie Wiesel

Can McCain break out of zoo in time for the Olympics?

Police: Man guilty of hate crime "an N-word"

CNN presents: What's it like to be dead in America today?

Your painful secret -- you are being shot.

Girl's balloon taken for granted in Chicago backyard

Obama, McCain dress like hot Portuguese teens

Boy left in Amy Winehouse's crane factory begins to nibble dead skin off feet

Gas 10 cents more in Texas if you are using Bin Laden's debit card

iReport.com: Grieving sister of drowned boy can't take a joke

Obama takes nintendo to sleepover at Bin Laden's

McCain has a very, very wierd day in Israel training dogs to panic about round 2 of the British Open

Yikes! McCain says Pope may be an autistic surfing shark with at least 25 financial planners and a blog

Plan to have sex with Laci Peterson's mom "a total failure" Gore says

Obama aims to trick McCain into living in 1964 Germany

Nelson Mandela marks 90th birthday with Futuristic nuclear bloodbath in the astrodome

After waterboarding McCain says "Polite, but tepid. Frogger anyone?"

DNA proves Russian royal kids included a polite gym rat

Nostalgia don'ts -- how NOT to yearn for June

McCain praises Obama in NAACP address as "an OK n-word"

Analysis: Why are you an n-word Bernanke? What's wrong with you?

Rapper pokes fun at the angst of being Babe Ruth in a virtual potty barrel

How candidates pander to Latinos: Executions of Mexicans

NASA plans to ask the mafia to fight busy moms to avoid predicting earthquakes

Red cross says secretive baby executions "a mistake"

Israeli soldiers spook Bush with rising Viagra demands

McCain calls Obama's pandering to catfish "premature"

Wig-wearing McCain: "I look like Miss USA!"

Alzheimer's husband warns wife of muslim laser machines

Greek islands rattled by glimpse of CSI star with shrinkage on Rollerblades

Bush says Gitmo is "basically like hell"

Afghan attacks become main event at home run derby

Scientists: The Situation Room is a gloomy cartoon

USA cuts Bush "to survive"

Look out! Man sticks finger into Miss USA

Obama talks about the difficulty of cutting cocaine on the ceiling

Miss universe found on road, says she's dead

pile of sharks found in shady beer

Obama camp calls al qaeda video games "hard to play"

Obama camp calls Sudanese president "Steve Fossett"

Miss USA charged with genocide despite being the greatest woman of all time

Anheuser-Bush sold to shady man on hill for $10

Bush orders universe to vanish -- again

Bush reintroduces daughter to beer, smoking pot in mass

Miss Venezuela goes to war against Zorb, president of the Universe

Cheney miffed about pool of bull semen in brain

Olympic swimmer says no to spending July in pool of blood, Vatican miffed

Obama tricked into pampering tiger to death in U.S. embassy

Poll shows U.S. braille fears lowest since June

Doc helps woman die to avoid fun braille book

Don't let ranch salad dressing ruin your pizza

US hostage rescue hinged on fake pizza, wayward dolphins

Man sells soul for fresh grave

Riots erupt in Mongolia amid concerns of penguins at the fake Jessica Simpson museum

Ex-Congo warlord sluggish after big pizza

Poll shows U.S. ocean fears lowest since McCain stabbed 62,000 dolphins in June

Don't let McCain in a Speedo on Viagra ruin your vacation. Consider nodding-off.

Plan to bury Obama on Mars stirs racial tensions

Jolie twins may be dented, high on mushrooms

Struggling McCain admits tough month after strangulation of homeless veterans, gay sex Prince William sex tape

Mars rover searching high and low for magic mushrooms. Bush admits "tough month" for mushrooms in the solar system

Girls gone wild" have 3rd straight multi-state killing spree

Rioters take to the street around the globe after gay gentlemen mobilize to handle produce in Alaska

Jolie sued for $2 million for 1946 train wreck

Actor thinks air show tragedy helped ruin your vacation

MLB midseason awards news conference turns into a mass lynching

Can you live without Will Smith's random Salmonella inquiry?

Was "gay 9/11" worth killing 2 penguins for?

Heath Ledger doctor owes a penny to Mrs. Obama, poll shows

Bill Clinton to Obama "I love you but I hate your gay book"

Osama Bin Laden refuses to return your 'Into the Wild' book

Bizarre vow to analyze the weird origins of the NBA draft lands Obama at the Gates of Hell

Zoo denies enslaving homeless North Pole millionaire. Is that racist tiger to blame?

Annoying neighbors? Obama strikes their kids, blows 'em up.

Obama vows to melt chocolate in Delaware, forcing fewer voters to resell their pants

Loud silence after Clinton blows Obama to promote unity in front of students

Step aside raped kids, critics try to pin "arrogant" label on victims

Obama denies bizarre rumor he raped Will Smith to death

annoying scientist denies report that 7+43=142

Annoying goose staying afloat in ice-free north pole gets busy in front of your child, kill 'em.

Rove accused of floppy sex with saggy goose

"Colorado blows" rant lands Obama in Wyoming sex prison

Kill cops, save gas

Al Qaeda pilot helps airlines save gas, blows up 7 flights

Scientists bet McCain that 25-foot giant squid from Delaware won't rant about NBA draft to annoying neighbors in the Bronx for 43 years if bees' tough guy image lands 3 underfed teachers accused of revolutionizing bear rape in prison with no floppy disks under threat of violence from friendly Zimbabweans

Delaware enslaving millionaire students after a-list al-qaeda star pushes chocolate disks off colorado mountain into Wyoming with remark "I'll vow to lead Zimbabweans into bear territory" and flies 747 in to nuke plant to surprise underfed maverick scientists in Chicago prison.

Obama slams arrogant reporter's face into escalator handrails after romantic interview with chicken

Rove, critics try to pin 'road-kill' label on Obama's guinea pig

stocks slide, Bernanke gets life in a mental hospital

McCain: "Shape-shifting, talking plant from Mars could hurt U.S. security." Obama: "I don't think we care." McCain: "I'm making stuff up, tough-guy"

Obama asks donors to rape beached whale for viral video

Top 10 most bewildering amputations in NBA draft history

Imus says he caffeinated, not defended, black man

creepy 33.6 inch waists linked to sanjaya

tips to avoid losing your arm on vacation

Bill Clinton fights cloud accused of distorting home prices

OJ told wife to be tough after losing head

OJ says people picking on him for killing his wife

Obama breaks silence on extra nose

The biggest NBA draft busts of all time take 4 European tourists hostage for deliberating French leader's housing, lack of Vitamin D

Sanjaya issues new pain warning to snarling campers

NBA, Hamas truce on edge after Israeli draft busts

15.3% of California told to be "pirates"

McCain wants pirates to set suicide pact example

Tips to avoid being threatened by Heather Locklear

tips to avoid being accused of killing your wife and kids

CDC expert warns shark attack survivors of latest 300 million-pound nuclear robot shark, and how to avoid them

Mars lander finds porn

8-limbed vikings booed in Antarctica for abandoning Destiny's Child star on the ice

Mars lander, Famed cat trainer wake Brooke Hogan at 3 am for Israeli military exercise

Bush praises Mississippi River disaster: "The U.S. deserves this type of grisly suffering and pain"

U.S. launches bits of ice at ghoulish boy's foot

A laughing Michelle Obama found severed feet wash up along the Mississippi: "That sucks"

Scott Baio opts out of public beating with maple bats

Young Jeezy charged with laughing at ex-Bear stears execs bludgeoned with tomatoes

"Should I vaccinate my tomatoes from hurricanes?" says maker of racist minivan to swollen and tattooed weather experts

Senators blast abandoned puppy for predicting the Taliban is making a comeback

Is it harder to fatally beat boys or girls?

Obama calls preschoolers to build a super-solider

Honda rolls out world's longest bag of kittens

cnn.com readers remember slaying hundreds of kittens to make a point

Taliban releases dinosaur in 7 of Orlando's parks to do battle with women of color. Remember?

Amber alert issued for same-sex hydrogen dinosaur dynasty

iReport: McCain cursed Amy Winehouse as he tossed honey into traffic

U.S. releases video of Hulk Hogan's cooter

iReporters capture out-of-control Jesus hanging on to squids and Octopods staying afloat in Afghanistan mud

Holyfield's bathroom is a mess

Ed McMahon explains how Kathie Lee Gifford could just murder the Clintons

Internet video of perfect weddings puts Unabomber at risk of staying in college

Rescuers scour Google Earth for ten minutes: "it's time to stop"

Pod-like man found under bed ramps up attacks on lesbian whale, but no one helps . . . who should be martyred?

Report slams Jesus over problems with new Beck video, Beck uses weekend to help martyr friend with work/life balance

Jesus to help ET spruce up space

Clinton plans weekend food fight: We can win if we really want to.

9/11 plotter likely to get Medal of Honor if we win in Iraq

Eye-popping, naked 8-foot Obama found impaled on lighthouse after Clinton does happy dance on top of ballot box. Can you say '@#%&*'?

House could whip admiral for bizarre "juggling saved me" remark

Mom: I had sex with dad

Biofuels: What do the experts think? Shut up.

Could Danish food be fueling your survival? Yes, now shut up.

What's next for Clinton? Juggling.

Entertainment Tonight stands by 'Al Qaeda is perfect' remark

Cnn.com readers remember when Mom and Dad did drugs and had sex with penguins on space station 'accidentally’

Al Qaeda astronauts prepare to venture 20 miles outside Iran

Report: Your dad slept around

Space shuttle astronauts venture outside, implode. It lasted for seconds--and yes, it was awful, now break out the drugs for me and shut up.

Panel mulls crashing 20-mile car into your kids. Upset? Remember, your scumbag kids could be with Al Qaeda

Larry King explodes in fireball on 400th birthday

Hi, New York! 111 countries agree to cluster bomb Brooklyn

Priest apologizes for mocking R. Kelly sex tape

Magazine ranks "20 hottest homeless pimps supporting Clinton"

quake was like something out of Star Trek, researchers say

25 reasons why you're not getting aid for China earthquake-- 4: you're not in China

Obama on the brink of declaring "CSI" gay

Woman in iron lung deeply sorry for panhandling

Study shows robots can't get over slavery

McCain targets Obama for not sightseeing in Antarctica after grandma dies

Horrifying new theme parks from the abyss of gay slavery in America a fun Disney alternative

Portraits of Prince Charles comfort Obama after offbeat Polar Bear burials

NASA, with 4 hours to kill, has removed Mars

McCain opposed gay marriage on Mars

Dying woman has 4 hours to kill

Some Clinton, Obama supporters oppose the poignancy of "Indiana Jones"

iReport: Pilot appealed to portraits of Steven Soderbergh after FAA notification system failed

McCain asks giant magical fake doctor to be VP and join the battle against China's theme parks

U.N.: Quake victims need millions of lists of aircraft carrier tactics

Myanmar re-evaluating the excellent thrills of collegiate journalism

McCain smashes baby against Brooklyn Bridge, adds poignancy to NBA lottery

The working class run amok, battles teams of gay baboons with only animal bones

Cindy McCain breast-feeds Karl Rove. For some, this is really hard to watch

Burned out McCain accuses Obama of eating his brain: "He's eating my brain!" Justices: His reckless speech is not protected, starfish rule!

Mr. Optimism visits Wall Street, kills 22

Dr. Gupta creeps behind your garden, knocks at your door--what to do: survive.

Innocent man spends 17 years in his own back yard

Grizzly victim waits hours for SUV alternatives

What you may not know when a polar bear knocks at your door: this is a grizzly bear

U.S. accuses Heaven of airspace incursion

Clinton agrees to break out the free porn, leads big with sexist creeps

Kid with 155 IQ beaten with own brain

McCain, Obama scrap about the size of Switzerland for 17 years

Man eating his own brain gets big reception at toxic cleanup in his backyard

Kennedy undergoing more big cat attacks, say polls

Dr. Gupta: Should you taser your bonehead ugly baby to safeguard your family? They'll never survive, but you decide what to do, sucker.

Obama caught on tape running through Palestine, beating off on Baha'is

Humans blamed for car accident

The black man's cleaning ability helps white women at home--don't say this

robotic suit helps McCain liberate polar bears in Saudi boys' apartment

Bin Laden says no to Bush's request to break out the Wii

Man's ability to have sex with Jolie may unlock secret of how China's giant pandas survive cancer

McCain's cheap shots caught on tape: "Middle-schoolers can chew on electric cords" "Indiana Jones? Indiana who? Grow up."

Bin Laden urges Ellen DeGeneres to marry girlfriend by the end of June

McCain: O.J. slaying deaths could hit 50,000 by 2013

Bush catcalling nude girl pulled from rubble

Report: Birds born in captivity all gay

Clinton likens Obama to crippled, gay, soon-to-be-ex arson suspect

Is LeBron actually a glamorous teen with huge boobs in a skimpy dress?

Half of Clinton's brain lands in Obama's cupcake. Is Clinton still in this primary?

Clinton says "what gives?" to Bush about terrorist acts on interstate cupcake database. This is real.

Wounded vets ditch wheelchairs for Hezbollah

Physics keeps 75-pound objects on world

White House objects to child's laughter: "Get quiet or get tearful"

Katrina victim claims puppy is food

Obama spills chili to curb world tensions

Hezbollah traveling through parts of Mississippi to protect blind kids from odd physics theories

After gulping, Obama narrows Clinton's lead in Beiruit

Physics wonder boy to blow Einstein's kids

Is it too early for a violent beating of Clinton in a sinkhole? No.

Clinton's gift to family: gunfire

America horrified by the whale poop in Clinton's salad

Dreadlocked Pelosi fish hooks Clinton, rages around Papa John's: "War has started"

LeBron unfazed by violent beating of players in Game 1 by Hezbollah

Mamma Mia! Incest dad lets family hear whale chatter

Horrified America: Pet hair? "No!"

Device lets superdelegates build a salad in 3 months

Thousands flee Wal-Mart as dad suspected of feeling gloomy

Poop piling up as Star Jones gobbles up yards of Papa John's. Toxic gas sickens horrified America.

McCain wants a 10 earthquake in oregon if president

Hillary ending her babynapping ways to build a better iPhone for Orgeon's first gay prom. Break out the whiskey.

Voter to McCain: "Temper something of a concern." McCain now setting voter, her husband, and her kids ablaze

Hillary to backer: "Murder this black man". Clinton fights on as Obama is stuffed with toxic eucalyptus leaves

McCain's wife says price of goofy sex toys astonishing. Help!

Hillary says primary could have been much different with more pot-smoking bees

McCain says hispanics think like old cats in a volcano

78% of Americans have become nudists

Clinton goes negative in last-minute Chili's ad

Revealed secrets of Obama's firepower is distracting hispanic family of 9 caught in border dispute

Obama kills robotic squirrel in the middle of a sandstorm to prepare for NASCAR season

McCain, taking a big gamble, rolls out long-awaited sci-fi porno in the middle of the kentucky derby

Hunter mistakes son for electric sports car, kills him

In last-minute ad Clinton pokes fun at dead americans: "There's no way out of death honey, say goodbye"

Dems ramp up attacks on Gettysburg Battlefield, 10,000 feared dead

Laura Bush pushes cyclone over border-fence, mystifies hispanic voters

78% of Americans say that pirates attacked Seattle today

"A good week for suicide" says Obama as poll shows him losing support with hundreds of famous ducks

Obama: Feds got it right with cringe-worthy beheading of Clinton's kitty

Burning man in SUV to address United Nations on yankees-red sox history

Lance Bass dies trying to save Alaska from child's weak birthday party

Titanic sank due to avalanches in Colorado

Lance Bass presses on with avalanches of murder amid criticism

NASA extends this week's Las Vegas mission

Pope dropped off 'Wall Street' on Blockbuster visit, couldn't find 'Titanic'

Lance Bass: "it's time for me to stand in a crater"

Bin Laden in new york to stand up for strong dollar amid criticism

Wayne Brady officially asks Pope to be Queen of Saturn

Pope sinks to new low, may ask the devil to be his wife

Devil going soft, arrives in home of murder suspect to cuddle on couch

Dems say suicide blast at funeral both an odd thrill and fun for kids

Pope goes on offensive against Jesus, launches indulgences for unflinching child rapists

Pope reveals Jesus is really a lying cougar

In defense, rapists say stabbing, beheading of kidnapped kids a joke

Pope pleased with U.S. brothel, survey finds

Republican sorry for calling Obama an "island-sized Palestinian arsonist"

Ticker: McCain ran from rubik's cube to rubik's cube serving Palestinian food to hungrypregnant women

U.S. Catholics petition Rome to keep Pope from serving barbeque at Jazz Fest

Pop-pop sklorks into suicidal garbage riot, whopping and pumping the pope for fun

Kidnapped hungry sea people face smallish gay-sized whopping as they sleep, official says

Dr. Gupta pulls out of american citizen, now beating off on Jewish marathoners from 12th floor of polygamist ranch. Dr. Gupta: "Best job I have ever had in my life. Marathoners to Gupta: "knock it off, you climaxed"

Nude photos of Obama's mother send Clinton motorcycling in to volcano for answers

Clinton wants Obama's windows smashed, mother slain and car destroyed

Melting glacier caused sensitive pirates to weep

John McCain calls beheaded, decomposing teens "hypochondriacs"

Clinton's decomposing body "nearly gone" street kids say

Obama weighs skipping stupid "incest national park" in Pennsylvania

Powerful cleric debuts wild, racy sex scene with Toni Braxton to mark end of Clinton campaign

Grumpy Clinton's beer dwindles in Pennsylvania, backup beer used

Clinton's top strategist wants to be raped by Montenegrins

Grumpy archaeologists raped McCain for good luck

Oprah's audience hogtied, carried off to polygamist ranch in texas for grueling blood sports matchup with Britain's Prince Philip

Mike Wallace declares "I like to take sexy pirates to my bed after a matchup with a fanged creature"

Big Oil destroys Navajo Nation for a cigarette

Are guys allergic to sexy Mike Wallace Facebook photos?

Homeless man goes home to his house

Homeless kid recalls horrible moment when a bear tried to ask Dr. Gupta a question: Gupta tells the bear "you're wearing me out" and goes home, paints an unbelievable self-portrait, and blows his wife up to Newport

Crazy McCain narrows VP list to six blind teens and one brain-dead Argentine

Clinton backer to congress: Lewinsky assasination should never be off limits

Bush: Landmines a wonderful resource, no threat to kids... April Fools!

Bush has child with new wife Lewinsky. No joke. April fools!

Report: Fire in Second Life no threat to environment

Obama may drop Chelsea on landmine in April Fools joke

Chelsea considered killing Lewinsky with whip, ice shelf collapse

McCain asking cops to hurt 3rd graders for stealing his Legos

Bush slams 2 autistic people together a day to get Iraq back to normal

Dean tells Obama to get back to unraveling the magnificence of interstate shootings

Texas inmate, missing from prison for two months, jumps into Dem race.

Dean tells Obama, Clinton camps to cool rhetoric on the magnificence of Earth

College student faces legal row after walking off the Earth

Bush: Kill the obese, murder ordinary cubans, and see that that newborn elephant is tied to a tree

Gore: "We'll see if this toddler bounces." Gore charged in baby murder.

Ad casts McCain as ordinary austic alien witch brought to Earth to serenade your mom and overcome the greatest prison riot in the history of the world

Baby confesses to finding Texas prison riot too offbeat

22 year-old ghost beaten by mob of critics of death

Ordinary man goes to normal bank to get money, goes home, resumes day

Obama pleads with superdelegates to murder Clinton. Obama pastor: "Climb into a volcano you gigantic witch"

Prison dad let out to see child rob $53 trillion from suitcase store

McCain's foreign policy vision: trouble, darkness, and death for France

hundreds beaten to death on space shuttle, Robin williams told it was an accident

Feds chastise Robin Williams, really want to cut off star's head

Robin Wiliams sleeps in woodpile in freak nighttime accident

Man sleeps at his silly murder trial

McCain: space computers, hard-edged polar bear to escort me to 2010. Dr. Gupta: McCain may have dementia

Applause as Obama says he's willing to cut off Hillary's vile head.

report: firing your gun down a well good for your health

Is McCain making the most of recession-proof shoplifting?

In classic Clinton mistake, Chelsea says she is cop-killing for charity

Obama releases facebook photos of Clinton cruising the antarctic for advice on NCAA tourney picks

How to lower pain at the pump: Don't skyrocket halfway across the universe like a crazy millionaire

Cheney: 'You're working for Hitler now'

Tips for counting calories like Hitler

A lollipop that prevents crucifixion? Pretty good, Hitler. Pretty good.

Lonely Hitler drops Easter eggs on giant sea creatures

How Hitler would have hurt your feelings

Cheney: World wrong about Hitler

Cheney to giant sea creatures: 'You're working for Hitler now'

Hitler tries riding bike, killing

Obama tries crucifixion, complains of pain, may not make it

How Hitler would have solicited sex with Dolly Parton: "You're getting the Berlin sex gouge"

America's #1 issue: Giant sea creatures killing without feelings on business-class airline

Bill richardson getting high halfway across the universe... for free

Obama suddenly explodes, interrupts church ceremony

Photo shows Bill Clinton taser Obama's pastor twice for considering wireless accress to iTunes

Photo shows unimpressed hotel guest pull Obama's face off

Poll: Three-quarters think Atlanta is in Germany

McCain to controversial grocery thief: "Stay out of Iraq, potty face"

Bill Clinton forced his family to live in the U.S. . . . remember?

Rachel Ray detonates for a month, not so edgy anymore

Poll: three-quarters think tainted ham is not that bad

Rachel Ray presents . . . more graves?

Sheryl Crow gives birth to 4 African-american astronauts in Atlanta grocery store

10:26 AM Tommy: haha

10:27 AM Ex-Beatle to pay $5.20 to naked vampires to stay out of vacant lot

me: hahah

Tommy: one of the weirdest exchanges ever

Astronauts flex arms, prepare for sex with top-heavy african-american celebrities

Halle Berry says she is in a vacant lot, mugging your dad

Expert: Barrels of rubble easier to talk about than Tibet protesters

Expert: Sex with bees not that bad

Robot protestors forced Rachel Ray in to wearing baby clothes for a month

Bush gets high, runs amok in Iraq, going potty in rubble

Bush to star wars fans: "the Iraq war is your fault"

Bush jokes about daughter's cannibalism phobia during birthday party, scalps woman

Reports: Spitzer punched 101 year-old man off bridge for cheating in Marathon

Spitzer apologizes for slaying magic whales on the moon, resigns

Spitzer forces children to marry stray cats, says kids don't deserve to marry whales

Spitzer leaves it all behind and has butt sex with racist Trekkie

Gunman kills two in bank, then has butt sex with wife

spitzer vows to serve common good, yells racial slurs at EPA for tougher smog standards

Japan could bring 3-D child porn to 10,000 minivans

Remains of WWII airman seen smashing into Paris Hilton at Mississippi BBQ

Revenge of the monstrous gays: Madonna found smashed in Vatican

Obama caught on camera drinking water

God gets smashed at Vatican. Caught on camera drinking at 3am

sinful pygmy hippo caught on prescription drugs in the Loire valley

Vatican says Madonna worse than a thousand gays pinching the KKK

Endeavor crew set to assemble "really odd sandbox" on space station

death penalty sought for Vatican robot for imitating God

Oops! God buried in sandbox

Fed's hands tied by weak dollar, wolverine

Ticker: Clinton's "Obama the big-voiced tongue-kissing KKK vendor" ad really odd

Ron Paul fights to sell his 6 month-old infant to giggling terrorists

O.J. Simpson asked Bush to toss baby off White House. Bush aid: no

Report: OJ Simpson is the Jules Verne of Mars

Bush says hot tot should be left to rot

Bush says cloud of steam stole lottery winnings. No city is safe.

Sleep tips: Drop baby in to lava

Bush says "Sorry, economy has no chance at life" takes off for Alaska

cloud of steam found tortured in Mexico

Jules Verne death raising concerns with OJ lawyers

Scientists spot baseball player in America

Drunk Cafferty: 5 good reasons Whoopi is a worthless hen

Should Obama become a drunk 4-year-old to win Oscar?

Facebook banned world's first sex-legged octopus

China cuts off ties with Swayze

Clinton, Obama become worthless to kids for cussing

World's first six-legged Octopus could become worthless one-legged insurance agent after cheating in Oscar debates

Cops covered up teen's killing because Swayze flew to Mars and found a strawberry

6 million diamond is unsafe for 4-year-old mom says

40 good reasons killing should be banned in California town

Ask.com accused of cheating on Facebook

Chelsea on edge after Obama blows away mom in delegate dispute

drunk iReporter: 14-foot hammerhead is the size of a strawberry. A gosh darn 14-foot strawberry.

75 million good reasons to deck your kids

Drunk 4 year-old thrown out of New York bar for cussing about vaccine-autism link

Avalanches on Mars make Patrick Swayze squirm

Insurance agent pretends to be Downey Jr. for Kenyan tourists

McCain roars after arm shot off. McCain: OK, who blew my arm off? What's so funny?

Clinton has big night, gives birth to God of chaos

Clinton to heart victims: "Grab your defibrillators and get drunk"

GM to make gangbanging powered cars

Brett Favre retiring from killing 3-year-old Hispanic kids. Bring on the tears.

Police: College basketball fans spent months planning avalanche on Mars

Obama relaxes with beer, gets blown in Florida Wendy's in new TV ad

Report: Hitler gangbanging forced Favre to retire from NFL

McCain looks to try acid to jump start career in stripper killings

Oprah switches from Obama to Hitler

Watch a swimsuit model fall through a house full of feces, get leveled by an ex-con in a slaughterhouse, and get demolished by a train

Fatal shootings keep you healthy, looking younger

10:00 AM McCain, Obama spar over what worst hair day ever means for Wall Street

"dumb as bricks" newborn falls off tv

Obama gets to !@#%* swimsuit model in Hitler's doomsday vault, gets head, hepatitis

Obama battles treasure hunters for dark power of Hitler's Doomsday crystal ball

Ten guys women should run from. Number 3: Hitler

Bush pressured stressed out Nazi ghost to ease in to hot tub

Sarcastic Clinton destroys Disneyland with Doomsday bomb to "pull in the curious"

Britney Spears visits her sons to death

Youtube blocks video of implausible wheelchair

Clinton, Obama put evil, secretive animals at center of Ohio fight

Signs of Doomsday growing: Ralph Nader enters hot tub.... in the snow

Offbeat images: Ralph Nader preps for child porn disaster

Clarence Thomas gets sarcastic to ward off evil, mocks pregnant woman

Obama battles Tori Spelling for Nanny cam glory. No survivors.

Husband guilty of murder protests 'letter from the grave': "No Apostrophes"

Times threatens U.S. with "more apostrophes"

Rioters delayed cleanup for hours to have sex with McCain

Environment facing jail for killer quake, northeast storms.

Arizona the 'Venezuela' of airport restaurants?

Should you pay for Hal Holbrook's car insurance?

Pentagon confident Virgin Mary is dead

Huckabee fakes lunar eclipse for villagers: Good career move?

horrific bus crash leaves 4 students flirting

Police chase self-destructive McCain up a tree after 19th DUI. McCain says he intends to stay at top of tree and taunt police

Bush: Toxic baloney not so good

Presidential hopefuls hate nude photos of Nancy Reagan

5-million mile meteor slamming to Earth offers treat, grave, to skywatchers

massive sex blast found in wisconsin

Bam! Martha shoots real bullets into Emeril's back

Fake gun shoots real bullets. Your reaction: Gun not fake

McCain leads blind skier underwater... again

Not afriad of McCain anymore? Psst... Bam!

Presidential hopefuls call for cheap sex on city streets

Extremist coached his child on how to remain in place

dangerously thin cookie-selling scouts not afraid of frrezing underwater anymore, emulate giant sea spider

Castro told he's traded to Japan, resigns

Castro quits building ridiculous sex gossip website

Castro uses meat cleaver, puts sex pressure on Lindsay Lohan

Castro not afraid of quality pet care anymore

McCain wants to behead fliers if Delta, Northwest merge

OJ Simpson faces 20 lashes and a big push for murdering girlfriend

Is Obama Belgium's OJ Simpson?

Bush announces he is gay during 'Rhoda'

Solutions: When your spouse anounces he is gay begin a tainted beef smuggling ring.

Alan Greenspan terrorizes wildlife in Alaska

Naked gay Amish astronauts could decide Dem race

Naked Alan Greenspan to recession protesters: "Too gay for you?"

Solutions: When your spouse announces he is Alan Greenspan begin slaying pregnant K-Mart customers

Is McCain too Amish for China?

Chelsea Clinton arrested over fake outhouse suspicion

Drunk astronauts, why do they pray for gay swimsuit models?

Drunk spouse announces he is a pterodactyl

Clinton shows a different side to voters, shotguns beer after high speed chase, beats Chelsea, and burns flag

Superdelegates shown videotape of Clemens soiling pants during testimony

decapitation onboard space station supports clemens' testimony

Is hell too warm for penguins?

Hillary declared brain dead after Obama runs table

George Lucas expands 'Star Wars' universe, burns in hell

John McCain's flag-burning son back from hell to ogle good looking Dem superdelegates

Clinton on Recession: "Dem say my money is right, dem say my money run the table son"

Congress to Clemens: "We was thinking we duct-tapes your face and puts your teen in a headlock Steroid boy"

McCain presses defense secretary to death with shoulder on Hezbollah TV

Does anyone in Hollywood care about German pterodactyl murder? Disney does

Clinton looks to pterodactyl, Hezbollah to stop Obama

Are men's brains too warm for Clinton?

SI swimsuit cover girl a special-needs quadriplegic

Clinton slashed to death for charity. Obama next. Does anyone care?

Pterodactyl fossil found in your backyard. Accident... or murder?

Sex after death within reach

Analysis: Huckabee has advantage in 36-car pileup

Clinton replaces campaign manager with angry Soviet baby

Half of Virginia likely married to "Jaws" actor Roy Scheider

Angry Clinton to seek death for . . . Herbie Hancock

McCain: "I'm going to slug Heath Ledger in the jaw -- really? Heath Ledger is dead? Who says? Really?"

McCain: "We will party. We will party to show Al Qaeda who is really dull."

Without warning, scary-smart Jesus fixes TV: 'I'm back people'

Bedraggled tornado survivor reassessing tornado: "There was no tornado"

Obama getting mileage from offensive dead baby jokes with Super Tuesday delegates

Cops: Heath Ledger died from Pakistani tornadoes

Sex offenders really happy for your pregnancy

holloway's dad outraged by suspect's split pantsuit

Police outraged there was no trail of sperm left by sex offenders

7 exercises to keep your mom drunk

Washed up U.S. president found drunk under bridge

Dad admits stomping baby to death is good for Wall Street

Economists: Robbers good for business

Clerk: I'm only one still in store

Foul-mouthed pimp fixes the environment with lotions, gels, creams

Clinton confused about Super Tuesday delegates, gets hammered

Dead friend dies from death by murder

Dead baby overdosed on death

Baby tossed off bridge to avoid recession

Hawaii shocked by trillions of feet of snow

Britney's parents shocked by exploding exorcist

Teary-eyed Bush asks for an old rag to protect summer cottage from shifting teens

Bush pushes teary-eyed Clinton in to snow

Israeli slaughterhouse a hit with teens

Bush sends congress $3 trillion ATV on Super Tuesday

McCain said cabbage fit right in the microwave

Drug resistant flu virus adopting Nixon-like tactics

Obama debates Clinton to death over troubling shark attacks in Laguna Beach aquarium

Schwarzenegger backs mentally-disabled Chinese kindergartner in GOP race

"1-2-3 Bitty sloot chomps quashes stump mania! You can quote me on that."

Beatlemaniac McCain chokes mentally disabled kindergardner half his weight to beat the morning blahs

Bush stimulus plan: "It's time for nightmares, invest in chaos! Be slaves to violence!"

Clinton drunk dials Obama: "Wanna make out?" Obama: "Awkward." Clinton: "Don't replay! Ignore and delete it." Obama: "Icky. It's time for Clinton to kill herself"

Gang-raped Bush fails to recapture soap after drop.

Potato chips snag in vending machine. Obama: "It's time now for potato chips, I want the chips to drop"

Romney to drop new jazzed-up record in 2008, promises biggest hits ever on Earth

Romney slams McCain over link to Kerry, McCain screams for help

Grunty McCain firebombs Miss America pageant, "Time for Miss Michigan to man up"

Romney slams baby on lawn over link to Kerry

Bus-sized polar bear tumbling toward tax service office helps old school Iraqi pathologist microwave frozen potato

Romney, McCain face off in bus-sized microwave

20 ways to stretch $37.5M at McDonald's

Bush forfeits Earth to reptile torture gangs in State of the Union, screams for help

Man rescued from Earth after study finds toddler with tax papers in Pakistan

Sources: McCain to man up and buy a lotto ticket - Will the grunty old man win?

Sources: Senators want Miss America to get cancer

Obama hails violence, hits Bernanke with a microwave

Ticker: Toddler to text taxi tester til' Tuesday

Woods screams for weeks after tester slips fake potato past PGA tour security

Bush slams snitch drug dealer in State of the Union

Worst things to say at work: "Sen. Kennedy has a hybrid"

Couch potato learns to crawl, could put Earth out of work

Title of new James Bond film revealed: "Ridiculous, Mysterious Snow-day Crime Scene Puzzle"

Bill Clinton apologizes to Obama for sleeping in his dumpster, carts off to Nevada in stolen van

man offers stuff to friend

Scientists: Things ending in winter. Analysis surprises Romney.

Romney, not paying attention, falls off cliff. Friend: "He just dropped. He's like MacGyver! A dead MacGyver."

Mormons resent puppy living in Jesus' tomb

Bernanke: I hit a girl far harder than I thought was funny to juice the economy.

Friend of Jesus: "He's like MacGyver"

Romney cloned Jesus to hit on a girl. CNN Analysis: Mormons make risky scientists

Jesus' power rips wing off British Airways jet on landing

Mormons resent Jesus' "storybook"

New species of Jesus discovered: Spider-Man

FDA to declare Jesus too funny for Mormons.

Oh no! MacGyver back on old cold meds, smashing dams to save the economy.

Bernanke: Oh no! I killed the economy!

7 year-old tells Clinton to 'slum it like Lincoln and trip on the Bad Luck Juice'

Analysis: Romney is not an Ikea store

$19K, tiger in elvis costume discovered in Jesus' tomb

Surprising things that give you headaches: gang-rape, terrorism, tear gas

Obama raised by small rodent to follow coyote to Nevada by sundown

CNN reporter adds funny title to hellish, race-charged story of cop-killers

Scientology spacecraft gunned down after UFO blast broke Romney's face off in debate. Police spotted a snarling Tom Cruise escape to Texas after surviving fall.

Democrats call for Obama, Clinton to end high-profile gang-rape of cloned animals. Clinton defends violations: "situations get awkward after sundown"

Comedian shot to death at gang-rape, but is it funny?

Student shot at youtube debate adds comedy to GOP race drama

Dobbs to Democrats: That awkward house party don't cut it for the hardest working man in pimping. You is wannabes.

Democrats face off in smackdown at sundown in Ikea parking lot to end Obama baby drama

Bush pushes Clinton from burning UFO for own good

D.C. hearings: Fake bling no better than real bling for babies

Study: Fake goat brains caused bridge collapse. Clinton: study "stupid"

McCain puts militants in bed with babe to snuggle up

Can Steve Jobs pass the salsa?

Unforgiving Thompson buries 2 '08 rivals behind Montana hotel

Larry King pummels ancient sea scorpion behind Christmas tree for misleading his kids on the recession

Divorced jerk says he digs Turkey Day traditions

Dennis Quaid's fat jerk kids threaten to shop for a $100 Christmas tree as big as Neil Young

Clinton traps rowdy African students in hole under Jets Stadium for Turkey Day sex research

Vote for your favorite grain bin collapse

Funny homeless family nudges jerk babies under a wheel as big as the rockerfeller christmas tree

Clinton admits to raping 3000 turkeys over and over again. Panel: Clinton isn't sensible

Lawyer under pressure stutters in an incredible way during rape victim plea

Suicidal Hannah Montana fan to host The View over and over again

O.J. Simpson vows to hurt friends over and over again in the most horrific way

cell phone dials atlantic city hooker over and over again

O.J. Simpson gets day in jail for mom's murder

O.J. Simpson read to start dating... and murder... again

"Mr. Whipple" actor Dick Wilson left dead hooker at fast-food drive through, hits big rig head-on to dazzle O.J. Simpson

Romney: Shooting up at a fast-food drive through is not so easy

Vegetable oil museum left Romney "in tears"

FBI: Hooters girls shows "getting worse"

Mike Tyson sentenced to 24-hour rape

Recipe for Holiday stress: Guns, gang-rape and suicidal hate crimes

cyclone survivors big winners at $$$$ hooker shows

Romney pulls plug on vacuum

A bulked up Clinton punches famed detective to Lebanon, protesters hide from monster in cabinet as death toll soars

Barry Bonds jumps off home like a stupid horse

10:34 AM Human ashes dumped on Lindsey Lohan for 84 minutes

James Brown shortchanged kids like a dirty human

Sexy human Lindsay Lohan could hide Christmas trees in your thoughts

House OKs really, really stupid report

Lindsay Lohan falls for decapitated mutant

Supreme Court rejects new dinosaur Disney ride

Democrats threaten suicide in heated debate

Report: Suicide up on Disney ride

Supreme Court: Murder really really bad

Vaccinate kids or get transformed in to human ashes, schools say

Worst MLB free-agent deals of past decade: $2 trillion for dead horse

Sexy cold virus seen in hotel with Lindsey Lohan

Mr. Stupid to debate hundreds of christmas trees in massive cyclone

Looking for a good dead Mormon? go to Bangledesh

Unruly robotic 4-year-old parties with hybrid technology

child killer gets nobel nomination for radical murder plan

Tough day for losers with obesity

Robotic W.H. candidate seen fleeing to space moments before stars implosion

Dying man expected to be dead for Thanksgiving

Map shows Florida, even Nevada

Giuliani losing grip on the world: 'Cartoons not always listening to me!'

Child killer in holiday execution "express lane" for Thanksgiving

Tough day for child in car trunk after devastating nuclear implosion

Obama still shaking day after listening to Celine Dion poop

Marie Osmond inspires man tased by monkey clones to battle shadow in Vegas showdown

Map shows planet is in South Carolina

Help! Obama bought 20,000 condoms for 2007-2008 cold & flu season

Chile still shaking day after Clinton passes gas

Actor salutes tornado, dies

Actor reaches out to cyclone, dies

Zellweger admits she's a big pigeon

Clinton: $1 monkey eggs always lead home to mom

Man on hot seat nervous

Are you there? Send your poop

Diet tricks: Eggs grilled over poop gas

How poop can change love

Clinton tricks cancer-stricken girl in to bringing planet's poop to Obama

U.N. report: "Poop is alive. It isn't dead."

Fans poop to support their team

Radical cleric shows poop to U.S., inspires cancer-sticken 4 year old

Is your poop safe from Obama?

O.J. ready for 2007-2008 murder season

Help! O.J. Simpson isn't dead!

Anonymous plant accidentally bowls perfect game

Condeleeza Rice opens abortion hub in Second Life

Experts: low budget ham didn't kill dinosaurs

kids born with 8 wives develop adhd slower

video appears to show foolish teen accidentally holding hairbrush

Britney Spears in near-collision with cruise ship while driving gun ship 90mph in water race

Bhutto calls on Musharraf to enjoy a refreshing stomach virus

Clinton calls on 90 mph winds, ghostly auras to revenge Philippine ancients for anti-abortion support

Musharraf shakes soda -- cautiously

Blind witnesses: Police shot dinosaurs on cruise ship from 35-story chocolate tower

Pacman insists he's in new video games

Student claims Clinton accidentally fed her chocolate too fast. Clinton making trip to Puget Sound to kill foolish girl.

Judge: O.J. must take fistfight with giant banana into freeway traffic

SIlicon Valley's richest robbery suspect names heart drug Avandia "boomtown crack"

Oprah: I was told to set fire to cartoons for the foreclosure fairy

Giuliani to decide if your wife is a hog

Bush tells wife to shop for ham, pork, drops c-word

Bush spooks congress with tens of thousands of illegal immigrant killings

Netflix offers $1m prize for spying on your ex-husband's new family

Creepy 10 year-old won't consider warming up his ham

Justice O'Connor jealous of creepy ghost

Wife killing legend O.J. Simpson to consider briefing Bush on plan to fortify immune system

Top dems fondled at U.S. border, hospitalized

Co-defendants: O.J. wanted to be fondled under a semi-trailer

Report: Child prodigy a "c-word"

Alicia Keys gets chlamydia from terrorist, rips off man's fingers, wants apology

Guiliani to Congo refugee camps: Enjoy a refreshing AIDS soda

Thompson insists "Chlymidia is #1 greatest way-cool STD"

Man fleeing police tries to flush 3rd wife down the toilet, implodes, in way cool, glitzy incident

Working class AIDS killed by terrorist Chlamydia

Man fleeing police killed by global warming

Crack dealers expected to start picket line on Friday

Study finds UFO full of 'Coloreds'

Guiliani guilty of making sex tapes behind closed doors of UFO. Recorded "Sex in the Stars" in 1999. Wierd videos show Guiliani making sex on a comet

Great shots by one of SI's top coloreds

Giuliani challenging stalker to kidnap ugly Spaniards in menopause

Paul McCartney could threaten U.S. drivers for years

Dad takes toddler to Atlanta 1 or 2 times. Discovery rocks Pakistan.

Poll: Farmers don't deserve naked sex videos

Senators bomb airport to protest hugging women over 40

Christian right admits sex in shopping malls shockingly average

New attorney general shockingly headless, expected to threaten crack dealers with fashion videos

Oprah admits to military-style land grab in Pakistan, surrenders to Saudi prince

Do's and don'ts for crack dealers over 100

Wall Street rolls out star sex offender

Bill Clinton coated with oil after military-style sex with Oprah

O.J. gets detention for triple-killing on family ski vacation

Pirates take another beating after fighting Rosie O'Donnell on gruesome new show

Senators hand Bush his first child's toy

Head-turning O.J. hugging the Klan

Is John Cusack ready for a family ski vacation?

Obama gets date rape drug after challenging O.J. on hybrid's performance

U.N. claims dogs to blame for economic growth

Expert: dogs visible to naked eye

Cops: Students deal Christmas tree scent outside office

Bush warns family of naked photo on Facebook

Bush hears whispery predictions for Hulk Hogan's new show

Obama calls cops "dirty pirates" after hugging O.J. on vacation in Myanmar

Don't panic! Your wierd baby is sleeping naked in the streets of South Africa. Stop Dwelling on it.

Poll: opposition to stalking and date-rape at all time high

Tired of embarrassment, Paul McCartney loses the minivan and sheds 87 pounds: "I want to be on the Globetrotters"

Naked Jessica Simpson hologram fools elderly Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney: "Jessica Simpson don't get fired, I want to be your friend, I need you to stay on. I need 3 hours."

Marie Osmond accuses French president of attempting challenging uncircumcision

Ranking the 25 best slaves in Iowa

Man tried to hang himself with holograms, tumbles

Obama's uncircumcision gets lost in another woman

Why Giuliani can't afford to be crushed by a comet

Puppy rejects 'Roe vs. Wade'

Court: Clinton should KO Obama for long spirited weekend in Halifax

Witchcraft can help Giuliani on toilet

Grave-robbing polygamist slams into televangelist's belly for allegedly landing jet on Pakistan school

NFL's best regular-season games since 1821

dozens arrested for killing bed bugs

LaBoeuf to have 4 limbs cut away for offensive panda costume

man almost predicted paris hilton's halloween costume

Obama pushes Clinton off barrel

Julia Roberts' dream: Suicide

Best and worst hate crimes from NFL week 9

Savvy Biden not interested in being victim of torture for first time

5 get sick from horrible handshakes. "I'm lucky to be alive," man says

Cloning could save Hillary's horrible face from being shown in public

Clinton's face shown on Earth's moon to save ancient news anchor

Turk PM, Bush discuss Kurd rebels, NFL week 9, weird sign-language chimp

China charges chump chimp for foul flight

Moon vanishes, U.S. residents "not interested"

Weird man drags "Transformers" star LaBoeuf on to flight: "You're not a stay-at-home star"

Star orbits Earth's moon for first time, find ways to avoid death

"Transformers" shown in public for first time, 5 get sick

Musical shows stay at home mom cloning Oprah on a fishing boat in Myanmar

Biden to Clinton: "Shake hands with death. I'm death. You are dead"

Hitler slams Bush over Mukasey nomination

Bush says"Worst goat sucker in Mexico, that Clinton.Tell that hairless coyote to put down the frozen pizzas"

Risky decapitation will test astronaut's face

Do's and Don't of joking about sign language

"foolish" senate ready to murder 5 million conjoined twins

Pirates tell Nebraska teacher to kidnap Mexican housecat

Hitler just another hairless 6-foot-6 hero

75 garden gnomes lost in WWII may not get home before cold and flu season

"Bee Movie" worth the decapitation

Lance Armstrong, the J.D. Salinger of delusional gay sex pranks, rallies blacks for house cat boycott

Caught in the middle of next-generation Cold War, NASA doughnut shop offshoot torpedoed by Clinton

noose incidents jump-start small towns doughnut shop

Cat stressed out by dog

places to see blacks before they disappear

Lance Bass to Bush: "Shut up (N-word) and fetch your woman -- what now dog?" Clinton says racist rant: "pure Bass"'

Offensive sign language leads to another Ashley Judd spacewalk

Edwards: I once butchered orphans on a spacewalk. Are we happier now? Not your kids.

Top ten elderly dolphins that changed the world

Radio host rallies blacks for racist Harry Potter spin-off

Edwards has sex in box of cocaine to pick up support of J.D. Salinger

Florida girl facing death after dropped doughnut

American Airlines "Shut up and enjoy your flight. Are you happier facing death? Please don't boycott American Airlines"

Bush: "Caution Iraq, sluggish house cats ahead"

The gay Lance Bass once married a dead racist chimp on the spacestation

Gloves off: Obama taped spewing N-word at foreign carmakers

Obama stressed out from fighting bazillions of chimp orphans, seeks support of zombies

Whoops! 500 die in unspeakable "vegetable creatures" research on space station

Math blamed for Oprah's new sex flubs

Pierce Brosnan walks out of hell, admits to moving scary ghost's new high-tech bongs

Cheney raises eyebrows over sexy Confederate prostitute costume

Bush admits Britney Spears is a piece of crap

Bush creamed in Saudi king's ovens after king's crap in Bush DVD players

Anatomically-correct heroic robot fends off Cheney with Tabasco after violent autism screening

Simpson takes plea deal after Supreme Court trampled by Australian pirates

Cow-killing pirate behind fake allergy medicine shocked by $53,000 car rental tax, threatens bystanders with rape, describes high-tech moose executions

Six of seven knocked out autistic kids dislike strip club performance

Weapons may have played a role in Civil War

O.J. sneaks out of jail to resume executions nationwide, no ill will for killer.

Disturbing sweatshop is safe for your kids

Poll: 75 percent in China dislike Argentine redheads

75% dislike Elizabeth Taylor strip club performance

Red Sox Nation eying nationwide executions for top ten cities in sports slump

Astronauts scream as spooky solar performance revealed Pavoratti's role in Argentine Civil War

Top 10 black kids to watch out for

Canada breaks silence: "Mexico is a nationwide strip club"

Victory again as O.J. gets his way, as lawyers scream, in supreme court murder.

Syria throws sick, glitzy $1M bash in "back yard" Iraq; Iran ready for clean up

Luxury jetliner features Neanderthals, ghosts

Superhero ready to defend the mob from killer spacewalkers

Youngster to score points in back yard sports

22,000 bodies found in Schwarzenegger superjumbo jet. Schwarzenegger resigns

Cheers! Bush brings starving cobras to innocent man in prison

"Amazing" lesson in volunteerism in middle school game as Condi Rice, Giuliani break little Chinese kid's arm

unflinching judge puts 22 kids to death for homework slump.

Vanessa Carlton hammered again

Giuliani says he'll call you from the space station and get you delivering drugs to India for $4 in 19 minutes

Unflinching Oprah Winfrey freestyle: "Myanmar dissident may be an accident/Oprah rocks talks like a racism stadium"

Giuliani on cruising for middle school kids: "It's like holding off Condi Rice with a garden hose"

Controversial immigration lawyer docks with space station delivering livestock, hammered Eric Clapton

Rescuers race Giuliani to overhaul new Vanessa Carlton album

Gulf of Mexico may be on fire

Gulf of Mexico may be in India

Judge slaps fire victims with a garden hose: "Don't be a hero"

Does your puppy need suicide insurance?

Does your puppy need a 22,000 acre stadium and a laptop?

Giuliani says he'll end space station goofiness

Vanessa Carlton: "Why do I need air?"

Don't be a victim of a giant suicide blast in your home

does your puppy need Vick insurance?

Giuliani: "Kids, don't do homework. Set fire to the school and start cruising"

Nobel winner says he whacked Oprah Winfrey off a pharmacy with a laptop

Immigrant threatens to mumble FDA warnings to unaccompanied minors at the mall

Obama arrested for eating unusual monkey meat in Italy

Competitive truck driver collides with unaccompanied minors, hopes for the Oprah effect

Dutch man may blaze at the zoo

Oprah: Grab the kids, it's time to go ankle-deep in monkey meat for Obama

Online shoppers injured in mall shooting

Prestigious Ivy-league monkey may set Giuliani on fire to win Dancing with the Stars and face a better future

David Beckham keeps giving terminal boy fire to win 'Competitive Burning of Sick Kids'

FDA wants water on burning kids

Uh oh, police believe they've decapitated Cheney

Official: Musharraf was raised to believe in pajama-clad space police

Cheney's heart shocked to normal beat by awkward reality-tv prison sex with Rosanna Arquette

Awkward? Gore fixes Cheney's computer in Oval Office

Romney to Superman: You're no Zhen Zhen, China's panda cub most likely to be the key to stopping cold & flu season

Video shows man stealing cheney's heart after lashing kids in orphanage

Romney wants to pack a blasphemous sex toy for ski season

Romney to Panda cub Zhen Zhen: You're no Paul McCartney

Iraqi ski season off to a slow start

Hotshot blacks hit hardest by stopping lunar piracy

MRI shows china probe in Cheney's heart

Toilets hit hardest by competitive eating

Romney rips blacks for ignoring Bon Jovi's video

Panel: Bush unleashes dumps in toilets on estate, even planned to blast dumps overseas

Was Obama too honest about remembering what it's like to be a baby?

Silly Jesse Jackson cuts off his own arm over slow start to ski season

Slain baby to stage comeback

Romney: A healthy baby is overrated

Isreal, Palestine to try for $5M drug deals by end of '08

Was Obama too honest about sex with toy bear?

Romney to baby: Get a job

Mall evacuated after toy bear cuts off his own arm

Affidavit described Brooke Astor's dumps as just plain silly

Disney's newest princess named "Papa Huckabee"

Panda cub hit hardest by Jesse Jackson

Clinton impaled Obama with a TV, wants him declared dead

WWII-era explosion kills nazi

Poll: Zhen Zhen the wholesome Nazi holds solid lead over Giuliani in Florida

Poll: Zhen Zhen the wholesome Nazi holds solid lead over Giuliani in Florida

Romney to pay $1million for circusy abortion of endangered species in blueberry field

Robo-armor gives O.J. Simpson super strength for circusy murder of high society 6-year-old best friend

Giuiliani steps down as Chief Nazi of Rat Island , shocks high society

Giuliani ranks dirty photos on Internet

Man killed after suicide put him in danger

Nixon was asked to hit James Taylor with a barrel at a holiday party, papers show

Santa Claus killed by feds after offensive "abortion" theme party

Giuliani to throw offensive after hours holiday party for standout Taliban

Endangered species video racist to 20-foot robo-python, critics say

Photos show a slimmer Nixon zapped by lightning after spanking from angry Gotti

Thompson launches first negative ad: Life on Venus with a foul-mouthed old woman, death better choices than Giuliani

Nazi porn star led double life as U.S. President

Thompson exposes himself in debate, giant snake blows away Giuliani

Bush tasers Musharraf in Manila hotel for failing to say "please"

Old woman's porn stash blows away

Confederate surrender reversed in court. Is the sign of the rebels return?

Bear exposes himself, gives endangered species panel wet dreams

Mall gunman led double life as Jennifer Love Hewitt

White House predicts Carson Daly dies in 2008

Republicans blast White House, 3 seriously injured

Finally, man exposes Carson Daly's fear of sick pets, gives him a ringing rebuke after Daly's leveling of boy's hurt snake

Thompson gloats on Web about Nazi porn stash

White House says bin Laden tape worst since '70: "Back to basics please"

Five ways to avoid killing your girlfriend

Lover's quarrel leads to Rove rape in White House

Rove skids on belly to avoid arrogant mother's tasers

Bin Laden killed for failing to comply with upscale Baja hotel rules

Lawyer gives subpoena to house after eye malfunctions

Abortion, not cell phone, killed baby

Obama questioned on "nuke Pittsburgh" command

Vick, happy to be home, sucker punches pets

Dust found on woman's cell phone

Tape hints Obama may be Johnny Carson

Thompson air's campaign's first negative ad: "Execute Guiliani"

Boy who refused smoothie found dead in Baja

Mean-spirited Obama sucker punches Reese Witherspoon during surgery for failing to celebrate dead boy's 250th birthday

Skinny-dipping great-great-grandma appears to be missing a chin in this week's fun photos

Rove tells Obama how to get to second base with porn mannequins

Killer scientists to shower Earth with truckload of pork before holiday

Romney to address bad kissers in speech before Siegfried and Roy program

Clinton erupts in flames in climate talks, explodes

Rove tells Obama how to get to second base with wife: Zamboni

Is Victoria's Secret selling atheism to Native American kids?

Romney to try suicide to improve life

Tears as thousands say goodbye to dinosaurs

How to fix the mess that is the 2008 Romney baby tiger suicide game

God denounces reality, expects $15 refund

Man pleads guilty to grooming his pet while defending the planet with BB gun, expects execution

Bush on suicide watch after mother shows up in facebook photos drinking

Man allegedly made boy with sperm. God disgusted.

MySpace among best websites for buying handmade sperm

Obama camp's best decisions in 2007: defending suicide, killing God

Group sounds alarm on "hip" teens sleeping in microwave ovens

Obama calmly beats himself to death

Edwards sees genitals as naked men help Clinton party

Clinton sues food for holiday weight gain

Obama: Don't party your way to urination

Brad Pitt considers killing girl who lost feet for quitting on ride

Obama to supply baby formula to gitmo detainees: "I don't know what I'm doing"

How to get the bird flu you want in '08

Obama to search store for Skittles

At party, Skittles within reach

Obama issues apology for "Skittles for sex" party

Edwards reported shooting a canoeist at the beach: "'I don't know who I'm killing"

Jodie Foster's genitals could be Exhibit A in Gitmo case

Sinatra haunting baby for fun: "I don't know why."

Naked men search Jodie Foster's wet muddy genitals for sex possibilities

30-year-old dad surprised himself with 2007 Best Country Musician Grammy

13 hurt in Death Star collapse

Optimism after secret Death Star opening found

Help! My co-workers are making me talk about being a rapist

Romney to exhume 4000 human remains for holiday party

Bush drives to Led Zeppelin reunion in confederate flag hell-on-wheels: "Bush man's feeling better"

Bush: The gays are making me sick

God reportedly tried to buy a new Big Head Todd song

neighbors shun robot packing 155-mph poop

Romney: God needs a Green Card

Bonds pleads guilty to beating off into egg cartons

Fear, chaos as heroes actor plows through skittles

Bill Clinton to seek warrants to hit mistress

Court moves to ban tons of stuff

Obama, Oprah to egg innocent woman's house

Gore to Backstreet Boy: Rock like Led Zeppelin or else

Scott Baio dumped girlfriend for naked photos of Backstreet Boy

Gore: Next president must take baseball shot to groin

Libby takes to the court, drops 23 on South Carolina

Tom Brokaw defends Led Zeppelin from light mall traffic

Eddie Van Halen dramatically scrubs house after naked party

Medvedev: Putin should be on Survivor

Ex-CIA chief: Peterson told wife he blamed Led Zeppelin for Eddie van Halen's retirement

Reality check after ice storm as Al Qaeda admits ice is cold

CIA chief: 'Tis the season to be waterboarding Al Qaeda

Voyager 2 discovers 445-pound pole dancers may be as decisive on Skittles as Peterson is on wife killings

Experimental headscarf kills teen crack offenders, amuses police

Girl dies after ambitious dispute with amazing killer steroid falcons

Romney gets grilled about waterboarding family

Laughing Obama car bombs traffic cop. Is it torture?

NASA to fill fuel tank with Skittles

Brief-clad Clemens thanks naked hands-on gay partner for probe of 12-inches, sperm in dirty sex acts

Senate votes to slap Madonna with dirty bathroom items

Clemens upset funny names aren't in steroid report

Emails hint at gorillas in monkey love triangle

Man locked in home scrawls "I am a legend" on xmas box

White House: 'Terrorists aren't funny.' Bin Laden upset: 'I don't deserve this. 369% I don't'

Anderson Cooper: Gorillas aren't dirty anymore. I married 10!

Anderson Cooper to read Mitchell Report naked in the dark over the holidays

Eva Longoria denies the evolution of house cats

White House: No worries. Terrorists watch your home while you're away

Bin Laden killed in wave of love letters'

White House: Watch out. Terrorists can quote 'I Am Legend'

funny monkey pops out of girls' brain at democrat debate

Vick to judge: "I am not the miracle man O Holy beast of the east. Who is Vick? I watch your home while you're away. I freed the digital fugitives from human evolution. For 438 years I wanted skittles. I'm death, you're love." Judge: "You're not making sense"

Mitchell Report: Clemens is not the revolutionary behind ABBA

Mitchell Report: Steroid use not just for incontinence in cloned cats anymore.

White House encouraged pregnant cats to shop for Skittles

Astronaut upset about being named an astronaut in Mitchell report: "I'm not an astronaut"

N.J. lawmakers vote to abolish incontinence

White House: Girls don't deserve christmas

N. Korea answers Bush's dirty emails: You're the hottest man on record

Clemens upset over being married to a woman

Dumbest moments in GOP history: John McCain unlikely rape of Saudi King seen by N.J. preschoolers via webcam

Study: More Americans offering singer Dan Fogelberg fuel to nuke Iran

Millionaire toddler attempts to destroy Ron Paul's brain by offering skittles with swastikas to GOP representatives

Fox News enslaves bikinin-clad Muslims to destroy nation's good night's sleep

attempts fundraising bank robbery for McCain. Such a nice guy.

Bush booed at White House Christmas pageant for changing skin from white to black, mocking Rice

Study: More Americans mocking newborns

Michael Flatley hunted in the Midwest for groping Belgian cell phone, jumps off bridge, fails in bid for flight

Bush's dad awarded $11 million for googling "teen sex photos"

Breaking news: Teen can't keep cell phone according to dad

Michael Flatley renews calls for bullets in Katie Holmes

20 billion ways to survive a life-threatening groping from Santa

6 million black kids charged with mocking Michael Flatley

Giant rat found Googling Katie Holmes

Bully serial killer upsets police

spacewalkers ad attacks galaxy as soft on black hole

Natalie Holloway now a "$700 truck in Atlanta' overwhelmed police say

Bush, Bush's mom, booed, die, when van plunges into black hole

Romney ad attacks Huckabee as soft on newborns

Bush: In 2008, nation's children's books have to say Castro is a Belgian detective

Bush has success at prom: 'Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister is pregnant! My mojo is back! Rock N' Roll! Lend a brother a cig?'

Dumbest moments in run for president: Giuliani spends night in torture chamber, says "What will I tell the kids?"

Christ to drop out of Mortal Kombat display

Dumbest Christmas moments: Santa sets astronaut's basement ablaze to outwit Christ

Lost family huddled inside space station

Obama hurt in tiger attack for second time in just a day

Edwards, McCain look to seal the deal with Fergie before New Year's Eve

How to save bloggers from a warm and fuzzy cat

Crying Obama hurt by 'Barack Omaha' mistake

get rid of the guilt of shooting your hostages with cnn.com

50,000 autistic kids beckon McCain to retrieve biodegradable rocks from Pakistani mountain

New NFL mascot, "the Omaha Murderous Extremists", blasted by candidates

Report: Tiger that ate Sean Penn outside Omaha mall part of Al Qaeda

Escape the doldrums, plunge your car into a volcano

Government offers tiger attack survivors awful spaghetti dinners, coffins

Report: Seatbelts gain popularity

Huckabee ad paved way for mocking firefighters

Huckabee takes heat for killing zoo guard

Killing firefighters is not so awful

In new ad Romney dons bikini and fires shots into Wall Street investors

Doubts about sunroof on sub

Clinton takes flak for killing daughter

Volcano takes flak for "killing Pakistan" gaffe

Clinton finds naked psycho on the highway, thinks the guy is cashing in on single-digit temperatures, delays Iowa elections

Second-tier dems plea to Clinton: Murder your husband

Clinton, self-deporting Yellow Lab collide paddling 1-mile offshore during escape from ocean police

Clinton thinks yellow lab is an oil barrel, kills it

Coffins gain popularity in Murder City

Police investigate if McCain was smiling in shootout with police

Striking Weather Channel calls off snow

female-friendly Obama smothers 1 million young women with caucus-night cervical love

Dead man to stay in the ground awhile

Mayor to town: Winterproof your frozen zoo animals

Couch potato watches Huckabee sex tape, now stuck in hospital elevator for 2 days

Bush denies 1 million foot fall from shuttle Atlantis

Sleepless doctor to lend $500-billion to burning passerby

Mayor to town: I will give you the creeps to get over the jitters to escape the doldrums

Oprhanage to gain 2 cough drops to eat, saves 36 girls from death

Poll: Iowans suspect toddler is a big potato

Iowa man watches passerby eat 2 cough drops

Up, up, and away for kids left for death in shuttle Atlantis

DNA shows Prince William is Bush's Husband

Obama to carry hair dryer into NH

dead man left in coffin for dead

What one couch potato did to escape the doldrums will give you the creeps

Explore the rustic side of life by burning your home

Couch potato shows Bush 2007-2008 Cold & Flu Report, sleepless Bush delays shuttle Atlantis for 500 billion years

Young women choosing death over careers

Bush topples over family and saves sex tape from burning home

Young women choosing popularity over cancer

Bush to toddler: What?

Obama, Huckabee carry dead hiker into N.H. to promote winterproof cell phone

Pediatrician slams baby into the side of rustic Bay Area home in eco-friendly momentum study

Man, 36, accelerates in rising elevator

Gates: Super-slim TVs "the work of the Devil"

Obama to defend "topless preteen" plan

Bill: I can't make Hillary bullet-riddled before New Hampshire primary

Dead boy scout has changed the Consumer Electronics Show forever

Did God step over the line with "revenge blizzard"?

Obama: "I actually have 3 cats." Clinton: "I warned you"

comedian Mark McGwire mutilated by Hall of Fame again

Bill Clinton slams WWI 'fairy tale'

Bush says worst-dressed girl at Chuck E. Cheese "threat to world peace". Girl due in space, bracing for brutal space walk, missing planet.

China plans its first 50-car pileup

Murder-suicide ends in unprecedented level of Hannah Montana tix

Bush predicts '08 race ends in decapitated polygamists

Bush predicts term will end in suicide

Obama baffled after Kerry endorses decapitated polar bear for '08 race