Frolicking in Asia, Bin Laden cancels Chuck Norris drowning

CNN.com Headlines from September 19th - October 24th:

Giuliani stuns kids, threatens "Jihad on pets”

Eric Clapton can't wait forever for moon insurance

O.J. Simpson on crusade saving marriages

Frustrated astronauts don't have enough tongues to fend off dangerous livestock

Robert Goulet can't wait on $2.4 trillion wine

4'5" astronauts wield ax to fend off dangerous “devil shuttle” that belches out flames, tongues of victims

Bush "can't wait forever on facts". Declares wars on Cuba, Greenland

Frustrated astronauts push U.N. chief off of moon

Bush speech to envision free Vick, Simpson

Bush to tap Fergie, confesses "I don't have enough green to get Mira Sorvino"

Wildfire victims next battle: fend off dangerous pitbull with shield, ax

Pitbull is underdog in countrywide livestock race from California to New York for $2.4 trillion

Bush promises more belches: "I have enough in the body for a month"

Frolicking in Asia, Bin Laden cancels Chuck Norris drowning

Bin Laden airs "Heroes" for dozens of Iraq protesters

Bush takes another 42 billion shots, arrested in coast-to-coast dance

Chuck Norris stays in space to avoid raging cocks of Bush's NASA men that would scare you

Bush wants to launch last-ditch anti-gay pesticides nightmare in U.S. to save Queen

Celebrities say they feel safe in wildfires

Bush fears erratic space shuttle evacuees

Evacuees say widespread wildfires 'so romantic'

Serious about outliving kids, one mom heads for space

Autistic shuttle crew nukes east coast. Wakeup call for people who can't let go.

Drugs may increase fun, you'll see

Houseplants cast shadow over puppy

Obama: Racism is cool. You can quote me on that.

Puppy highjacked nukes for hippie ghosts who can't grow houseplants

Nukes may increase killing risk

Sex offenders may increase rape risk

Hungry and fearless Clinton to Obama "You'll get stabbed, light-skinned foe"

T.I.'s lawyers ask for some of the best drugs on the east coast. Lawyers to judge: "and you'll grow them"

Clinton to houseplant: Let me go!

Obama's head found in Thai bank

From Oprah.com: It’s not dieting, it’s killing the police and enjoying it

Report: Rich get head, poor get ghosts and other childhood terrors

Farmers sue Spider-man for enjoying justice and not delivering drugs to people who can't grow them

Lost puppy implodes in Obama's pants

Houseplants may increase impotence risk in hippie swinger

Study: moonlight encourages light-skinned blacks to argue over pedophilia

Clinton allegedly stabbed houseplants for mounting puppy

Clinton, Obama recovering after 4 days of wacky tug-of-war fighting in Atlantic City warehouse

Clinton's review: "Tug-of-war museum good, very good. Stunning."

Obama: "I didn't mean cool pants are for blacks"

Autistic hippie stabbed for giving Clinton a wakeup call

Britney spears, with gun at kids head, loses visitation rights

Kids saved from bizarre Tony Bennett visitation

Stripper solves Iraq war, waiting to collect her $1

Bush videotaped taking survival tips from sea life

Democrats battle technology China-style: at 70 mph in car from the 80's

Study: Early humans threw light bulbs at sex offenders

Clinton: Black support pointless

Did sea life once have eyebrows?

Clinton charged with smuggling 844-lb. turkey to rapper T.I. in custody

Wife spying on hubby demands pullout of porn star

Hannah Montana permits Dali Lama to grab booty

School may attack lame 6th graders with 100,000 bees

Shuttle will launch despite zombie concerns

Raising the dead may give Obama the zombie vote

Obama facing questions on bringing dead Indians back to life

Clinton dieting on cold-meds: "food is lame"

Britney Spears plans 'peaceful' sexual assault of child

Confidence of disabled 844-lb child at an all-time low

How Rice uses one hand to keep Putin fueled all day

Child spying on hottest teacher in history of school says "I'm in love," sends greeting card with sexual sayings

Putin plans to wrestle sick dinosaur on magical island before it's too late

Rice: "Time for breakfast"

Dinosaur retirements at all time low

Peaceful school shooter says "Life, it's too wonderful. Fall in love with the world!"

Can slugging cans of silly string all day treat cancer?

Bill Gates has a plan to kill the disabled vets

Athens visitors give selves "one-hand bonuses"

25 customized breakfast tips to keep you dead

Magical leopard accused of slugging silly toddler dead in Warsaw. No solace for wonderful species.

Fall in love with the sad, wonderful life of Iran's porn star shark with a $50K SUV and a voicemail addiction

School shooter had look of "an easy going child running away from a big green dinosaur" teacher says

Prophet Mohamed caught in silly string shoot-out for self defense

O.J. slacking? Under 25 murders on Friday

Giuliani throws dart at autistic teen on wilderness hike: "I want to leave a mark"

China's Hu on O.J. Simpson: Murder that pumpkin-chucking playboy

O.J. Simpson murders 33 after remote vanishes

McCain: The time has come for a pumpkin-chucking, Indian-bashing vigilante

Edwards to "View" co-host: Steroids not just for the kids, dog

Stressed Clinton to yank own teeth with pliers on the View

McCain says he wanted to be Indiana Jones, hits the high seas, needs anchor

Romney: Seas full of oceans

Heated Edwards: Wear your bikinis, sports bras to Iran vote

Simpson killed off 2 moms, 2000 Brits

Guiliani: If Mars attacks, I'll be in secret tunnels under China

Troubleshooter: Help! my hands are missing and my girlfriend is dismembering my family!

Romney naive on Guiliani bondage camp

Police warn naps just as common in jail

Is your low-fat diet killing Snoop Dogg?

Romney, Guiliani trade post-debate assault weapons: "We must fight the prince of the oceans" Clinton, Obama worried.

Why did Giuliani use feet on Britney Spears where it's illegal?

Al Gore on ocean adventures to dig up treasures and save the 'Jena 6'

Low-fat diet may help abortion

Hunting just as common in parallel universe

Gore to U.N.: Share you thoughts on astronomers killing your kids

Gore warns U.S. over naive Jews

A drunk Gore raps about kids' cold meds to African ambassador

Boy apologizes to mom after bogus hug

Freed Iraqis won't return handcuffs

Hungry fetus-snatcher apologizes to baby

USDA: Don't eat electronic gadgets after torching your mansion

Telescope spies pumpkin on Marion Jones' head

Hungry first lady handcuffs self to Applebee's

NFL shuts down "Museum of rape", apologizes

Bush: "Step aside Laura, time for torching pot without the first lady"

Sick baby heading to space station to improve ozone layer

Step aside faked pregnancies. America's favorite: baby suicide

America's 100 favorite kids heading to Turkey after democrats bogus sex slavery pledge

UAW to Mom: 1000-pound "baby" likely a Chrysler

Bush to Iraq: Got change for a genocide?

Suicide to genocide: "Step aside"

Survey results are in: murder your neighbors

Clinton says she focusing on sex in haunted houses

Clarence Thomas not ready for Christmas, barricades himself in tire store with Jimmy Carter and a kangaroo

Clinton blames devil for cheating in impressive astronaut shooting

Impressive lady breast ka-boings amid sex scandal

The devil not ready for Christmas, kills himself

Democratic rivals take shots at skydivers over Chicago, killing 50. Clinton: "Killing spree guarantees a good night's sleep"

Senate OKs sex with teen

Clooney names Ahmadinejad 'Joe Cool'

Mini Hitler -- real or sham?

Vick: Dogfighting lives up to the hype

Wizard of Oz slams Ahmadinejad: “Dudes a threat”

Viggo Mortensen called "meaner Hitler with bad back pain"

Batman faces new threat – PMS

Ms. Edwards: "F*ck Batman, no one is as fresh as Clinton"

Your face is secretly dressed up as Wizard of Oz characters on execution day

Bush: No sex should be delayed by bad PMS

Juror to court: "F*ck your case!"

Clinton slams Hitler on healthcare

Teen: Having sex lives up to hype

Banged-up Hitler hits up the red carpet despite heavy bleeding

Senate to consider lethal injection for bad drivers

4 charged with bad hair in Baquba suicide bombing

Report: Vick guilty of loving pet to death

Oops! Scores killed by swastika shaped asteroid. Congress to ask for a do-over.

Bush says Clinton will eat Obama after misdiagnosed bites from Zombies

Virgin zombies all smiles after pleasurable flesh bites

Iran: "We are not playing hide and seek with zombies"

Evil surfer girl all smiles after shark rips off man's head

Gleeful Bush mysteriously declares "jihad" against children's health program

Clinton calls plane crash program "risky"

Nazis, Al Qaeda approved to run Major League Baseball

5 best-dressed Nazis at Auschwitz

Judge mysteriously declares "O.J. Simpson must be buried in San Diego"

Photos show single-minded beer lovers training children to back jihad against nutritionists and celebrate brewing

Al Queda wants fat Americans to avoid losing weight

Oprah wants Nazis to control the world to avoid ice loss

Clinton ripped off underwear in disgusting strip show

Bush: "Oprah, if you want free sperm, here's your man"

"If you see hydrogen goo, eat it" says Switzerland's worst lesbian cop to a polygamous teen with fake teeth hidden in a phone store

Velociraptor on Neptune conquers big autistic lesbian with fake barbeque, risky underwear twist

God says Gulf coast tornado was a hoax

Hillary confession: "I did it. Eat it, O.J."

"Genesis incident" earns God millions

Plane crashes into Giuliani's teeth amid protests at airport

God has a problem with teens. The man who makes H2O and the velociraptor says in a rant: "I used to be as hot as MySpace pages you ungrateful life goo."

Giuliani's fantasy? Hillary Clinton stripped of underwear, taped to a Chinese made bomb

Split Spector jury sent back to Neptune

Student sent back into store to marvel at phone, questioned "You see it? Be grateful.”

Mariah Carey: "Mom has a warm spot for the bomb store, if you block the big lesbian from food you'll die"

God recalls engineering Hillary, "Gorgeous, but a lesbian" Hillary responds, "I am not a lesbian" God responds, "You dream, I am an expert"

Giuliani overcomes fear of cribs

Frasier blasts 50-cent for "acting white"

Birdwatching Romney to frolic naked in backyard in ad

Birdwatching frustration provoked Simpson to kill

Senate Republican tasered, pelted with bottles for "acting like a sucker"

White House to child: Get a cool new backpack before Spring or die

Senate threatens men of Apollo over $30 million moon vacations

OJ testifies against wife killer, "Your cuts too short"

Rich kid who can't stop earthquake likened to cop killer. Bush says "You poor kid, you fear jailtime? You could be assassinated."

Jesus says he "made up enlightened Prophet story to help love life"

Enjoy cheating on your wife like Clinton

Iraqi youth fear drugged Clinton may need a wingman

50 Cent says low ATM fees can't stop recession.

Nutcase with a penchant for wife-killing to sweet-talk Bush in op-ed piece, promises to combat democrats with robot, Batman

Jesus tired of Rachel Ray, "These meals are like mystery meat"

Wife-killing sniper gives hope to exhausted polygamist

Burned out Batman to use Google to search for criminal

Polygamist: "I'm in it for the sex"

Enjoy Burger King like a local

Giuliani fleeing Mars: "The planet's a let down"

Report: Free slaves stressing out Giuliani

Report: Nutcase not a bird brain

De-stress your life by mercilessly slamming your husband to death on live TV

Surprised Spanish bank customer could help your child handle Week 1 NFL injuries

Cop says $315 million hamburger is lackluster at best

Britney says 'hamburger could power electric car', apologizes for brain

White House to child: Get a cool new backpack before Spring or die

White House hopeful's office ransacked by astronaut ghosts. Aldrin: "Dead heroes should be admired"

Dems join GOP in slamming title of new 'Indiana Jones'

Salty Britney Spears hopes Tommy Lee Jones dies by 2050

Aldrin defends pipeline blast, tries to bury tv reporter alive on live TV

Kanye West throws another backpack filled with dynamite into train's path

Hillary Clinton apologizes for "sexy ass in skimpy mini skirt." She's happy to show larger breasts to "recapture your mojo and smile"

Bush takes Mexico's best drug, laughs at airport bomb hoax, spinach recall

Taliban to release biggest iPhone in 400 years

Edwards cancels family vacation for multi-state killing spree, Hillary "spooked"

Prosecutor says Vick may be magical myth

Scott Baio kicked off Romney radio show for sexual advances on sweet killing robot

Taliban plot may relieve stress

Girl Scouts: "Abu Gharib sucked"

How street fighting and attempted suicide may help the American family to inadvertently push Taliban troops deeper into insanity

Hulk Hogan ravages Gonzales, dissects Attorney General before federal judge

Vick set to interview secretive robot before U.S. lawmakers

Hulk Hogan ravages Gonzales, dissects Attorney General before federal judge

Hulk Hogan's iPhone may replace Gonzales

Greece may label Teen Choice Awards 'acts of terror'

Look elsewhere for a colorful diet: Your dead best friend's body parts

Michael Vick to Little League World Series winner: "Grow up or die"

Edwards rejects support from black gold-panners

Hulk Hogan's head officially released from body

Bush blames Little League for foreclosure scams, catches fire, apologizes

Edwards pleads guilty for sewage directed at Clinton "It was sewage. Do you get why? It was to keeps her head on straight." Edwards hospitalized for U.S. safety.

3 great ways to get high and mess up your son's little league preseason

Edwards denies son was raised to look black

Offbeat klansman takes to the skies to unlock secrets of black astronomers

Edwards untethers Hulk Hogan's balloon, balloon takes to the skies, Edwards apologizes "Don't get mad, it was the balloon or your son." Edwards dragged in mud, hospitalized.

Vick renounces Vatican for offbeat reactions to Little League World Series

Hussein's daughter on a Bush desperate for head: Look elsewhere

Obama may return to Earth with diamonds and a hot Martian woman

CNN.com headlines for August 23, 2007:

Iraqi intelligence officials having more sex than you think

Birth defects lower death risk

Parents reveal Earth to kids

White House sees insanity in the socks of Washington mail carrier

Bush claims dog can keep Iraqi intelligence secrets

Obama to reveal secrets of having sex: "Forget the socks, kids"

White House claims Bush could outrun Iraqi leader

The best multivitamin to punish your child

Earth doused in gas, set on fire by the cruel insanity of Obama

Tearful Obama struggles with redesigning kitchen

CNN's Amanpour to reveal what's sexy in 110 years

White House: Socks found in clothes dryer

Police dog calls White House to quiz Bush on Nasdaq gains

Iraqi leader calls Bush to use boxed Seinfeld DVD’s

Proposed bill would unlock an avalanche of baggy pants

Study: Edwards may be too sexy for this Earth

Obama to Americans: Please carjack Clinton for your king

Toddler describes mad dash to try to outrun crying Obama

Edwards slams Vietnam Vet: Lazy and not so great

Obama may return to Earth with diamonds and a hot Martian woman

Martian king answers Earth critics, slams Paris Hilton

Romney: Death of the T-Rex a tragedy

CNN.com Headlines from August 22, 2007:

Obama: I look like a drunken terrorist to kids

In spooky ad, Romney burnt porta potty in backyard and ran

Romney: Death of the T-Rex a tragedy

In reality, Bush could outrun corpses

Spooky Romney ad compares multivitamin to Vietnam

Kids rethink fear of death

Pedophile could outrun boy. Romney bets on it.

Bush grows more sophisticated in kids' rhetoric

Oops! Kids set on fire

Study: The fastest pedophile in Mexico could outrun a skipping polar bear

Tearful Romney found skipping in backyard

Romney to steer clear of rake in backyard

Romney to invoke 'Barbie' in opposing Iraq pullout

Bush challenged over corpses in the backyard

Polar bear divides eight-year-old. It's almost life threatening, but boy getting legs back.

Hillary buys beer, handgun to stop worrying about monster attacks

CNN.com headlines from August 21, 2007:

Hillary buys beer, handgun to stop worrying about monster attacks

Foul-mouthed monster slams Rove in North American trade summit

Unstable Obama smashes into Clinton, riots with working moms, loses

Jittery Albright: No sex in sight for me

Vick takes plea deal, likely to be buried alive

Obama parties "til you see me as Prez." No sobriety in sight.

Human may stand in building

Unstable Obama: I never cared for Chinese people

Help your child outgrow the "cancer" nonsense

CNN.com Headlines for August 20. 2007:

Super-sized cows eat Tom Cruise in church; there were no paparazzi to shoot fate of star

No nonsense bears expected to persist in schoolyard killings

Clinton buys stake in Chinese nonsense

Rove's attacks on Jews not likely to ease credit woes

Help your child outgrow the "cancer" nonsense

Vick has panic attacks: "I thought there were no bears in prison"

Clinton to Jews: Stop worrying about Star Jones and hunt down Seacrest

Clinton spent time in Abu Ghraib: "I wonder why I ever left"

Idol's Seacrest silent on Chinese history, experts saddened

Artificial life loses battle with cancer of the Google

Clinton hit by train, Jews can stop worrying now

Tallest GOP Candidate Romney wins Iowa Slam-Dunk Championship

CNN.com Headlines from August 13, 2007:

Tallest GOP Candidate Romney wins Iowa Slam-Dunk Championship

Rove quits White House to get high on crack

Top 20 autistic kids to watch in '07

Rove cavorts with autistic kid in secret mine hole in Hawaii

Unpredictable White House moves to Hawaii

Bush repairs Guantanamo with mass grave

Magic Johnson: I don't want to play football with the autistic kid

Rove quits Van Halen after 20 years of jamming

Emotional Rove calls police about 8 foot 4 man in gyroscope

Magic Johnson throws baby hippo at mine again

Pygmy leads NFL in grieving

Dinosaur threatens spacewalkers: 'Divorce is final'

Clinton seeks the approval of dogs, chases cats into a mine

CNN.com Headlines from August 10, 2007:

Giuliani seeks religion in a monster truck

Clinton challenging kids to take time for nude jogging

Clinton seeks the approval of dogs, chases cats into a mine

Clinton meltdown: "I have no future in raccoon attacking"

Bush scores with hot mom: "Doing grownups is better than ever"

Whites a minority in space

CNN.com Headlines from August 9, 2007:

Hawaii's one gay redneck pygmy holds off endorsing '08 Democrat

Canadian PM vows to defend Earth's kids from space camp slayings

White House says Bush hopes new Timberlake music video is hot

Whites a minority in space

Bush teases U.S. with broken promise: vows to fix Earth's climate, leaves planet behind to die

Bush: First discovered f-word before age of 9

Fat Jenna Bush hopes to fit in to hot pants before 2008

Obama may get pummeled by gays if alleged breast-feeding pics discovered

What to know before your child gives birth to a huge crocodile 20 times Earth's size

Obama passes alcohol to Endeavor commander, turns on him, creates chaos on shuttle bridge, says to NASA: "Obama flies alone"

CNN.com Headlines from August 8, 2007:

Mrs. Edwards slits wrists: "John can't make love to a women. A monkey turns the man on. Adieu."

Clinton fears space invaders, grabs gun, starts militia in schoolyard

Obama passes alcohol to Endeavor commander, turns on him, creates chaos on shuttle bridge, says to NASA: "Obama flies alone"

Bonds challenging baseballs to fight him to avoid death; Family fears new home run king may be insane

Police close to naming killer dolphin -- finally

Obama ruins puzzle, Clinton rushes to rebuild

CNN.com Headlines for August 7, 2007:

Livid Edwards punches President Clinton over McDonalds wrapper in bedroom

You think you're drunk? Try taking lessons from a bombed Mayor Bloomberg

Mayor Bloomberg tries to choke eavesdropping 7-year old: 'No rest until you're dead!'

Matt Damon sues flight attendant for 'cowardice’

Obama mocks Russia: "Think you're Ex-Soviet? Try dating a drunk"

7-year old ready to start dating black women

Think you're a 7-year old? After 22 years, no

State rushes to free murderer for "space trip" prank

Obama punches Clinton off bridge: "You're as good as dead."

Scientists debate what Bonds boyfriend is hottest

Stubborn Obama chases kids from chocolate

Hillary tries to choke Obama: "You're a chocolate nightmare"

Scientists: KFC in McDonald's wrapper prank threatens world

Clinton rushes to survey kids on the best admitted murderer in the U.S.

Bombed Bonds chases drunk record

Obama ruins puzzle, Clinton rushes to rebuild

Matt Damon sues Mexico over sweating crisis

Only the Lord knows if Sharpton wants a boyfriend

Clinton pulls no punches in filthy emails; Obama frontal not so massive after all

Marilyn Manson wants filthy Taliban baby cleaned up

Lobbyist still has clout in bombed Taliban village ruins

Girl told father drunk Taliban bombed village after 'good kids' cleaned up house; parents' search for answers not over

Taliban: Chicks, Transformers are sweet

Obama to Hillary: "Baby, you're a filthy girl. You're not a virgin after all." Hillary smiles about the new boyfriend, travels to chocolate city of love.

Stray atomic bomb kills Edwards as he mocks pentagon

Drunken McCain takes cop car on wild ride, kills 19 kids. Arrested, McCain scolds police "I need your car", wobbles into station, flipping off 87-year old, shoots at just about anything, concedes, "I need a life coach"

NASA plan to launch shuttle "execution-style" puzzles scientists

Scrappy animal abuser marries testy suicide bomber

Bush to homeless: "I'm world's richest man"

Obama slams grandmas for "their 87-year-old disease"

Clinton battles Edwards Taliban-style: "I'm not running from you, boy"

Stray atomic bomb kills Edwards as he mocks pentagon

Polar bear survives 2nd brush with Pope

Cnn.com Headlines for August 3, 2007:

9-year old under stress from saving planet: "I can't help, civilians"

Rove has gas, sparks fire

Pope judges botched car repairs in tirade: "I can't believe I reported the crash to my expensive Christian insurance plan. Death to humans!"

Stevie Wonder making first tour in 12 years, millions flee planet

Senate reviews 2nd season of 'Lonelygirl15: "Worst in living memory"

Pope expands mission to killing humans

Polar bear survives 2nd brush with Pope

Babbling, Jabbering Anne Hathaway capsizes car, millions killed

Anderson Cooper expands to death

Anger at humans rises as dogs put on diet

Senate votes to keep hottest women in expensive skirts

Paralyzed man worst athlete ever

Can copter crash live up to the hype?

Christian man: Muslim bakery ruins Baghdad

Bush gets creepy: “I prefer Obama in t-shirts”

Obama put on diet to squeeze in to skirts

Nicole Richie: I squeeze dogs between meals

Bush: I know I'm not a good Muslim

Crashed plane survivors killed by O.J.

CNN.com Headlines for August 2, 2007:

Gonzales not satisfied with porn in Russia

O.J. in slump: "I'm a nobody"

R. Kelly to child: "How deep?"

Crashed plane to reunite families with deep water

O.J.: "In The Twilight Zone I'm getting $57M for homicide"

Boy, 8, defies mom

O.J.: Plan your homicide for weeknights

Crashed plane survivors killed by O.J.

Internet porn reunites mom with son

Legendary thrill-a-minute Irish porn brought teen back to life

Boy, 8, brought chaos to U.S. with shoddy Chinese mannequins

New bridge among top 5 billion ever planned

Bush finds ax on the floor "I thought I was O.J. Simpson"

After 5 years, Bush in a slump: Not satisfied with thrill-a-minute terrorist chaos

Newspaper editor plants bullet, tons of concrete on Gonzalez

One-in-a-billion O.J. tirade may hold clues to homicide

Bush tirade to blame housing slump on Katrina victims

R. Kelly the new face of weeknights

Bush getting new face

Kids blamed for child porn

Mastermind mom taunts boy, 8: I'm outsourcing kids to China

Terrorist in slump kills mannequins

Clinton making death threats to household items: 'Go to hell, freezer'

CNN.com Headlines for August 1, 2007:

Clinton making death threats to household items: 'Go to hell, freezer'

Rumsfeld to testify he "freaked out" in gang rape of pets

Hey you with the gang rape . . . keep it down!

Rumsfeld: delicious corpses "unethical"

Cheney backs Gonzalez: "He break a you face"

Rupert Murdoch usually gets his way in polygamous gang rape

Obama going undercover to pick up pregnant teens

Obama lost in delicious childhood thriller "Mystery of the Abandoned Roller-coaster Ride"

Guiliani would sell missiles to hundreds of inmates in institutions

Guiliani pinned Obama for 3 hours, says "hey you with the face . . . you is delicious!"

Obama challenges Rocky "Hit me you horrible freaked out socialist from hell. Hit me!"

Rude teen kills 20 in gas attack

More losers in hell than acknowledged

Church surveillance reveals no ATM in hell

Does Justice Roberts have sex like Usher?

CNN.com Headlines for July 31, 2007:

Girl, 13, adopted to death

Bush getting older, losing hope for sex with Miss America

Chief Justice got off to Oprah MySpace site – twice

Autism linked to Tropical Storm Chantel

Body of second chief justice found in skyrocket falling over the Atlantic

O.J. embarks on new terror campaign. O.J. to Goldmans: "It's time to die" O.J. career officially over.

Sex predators linked to the "legend of the tiny crack village"

John Mark Carr the new face of Wall Street

2nd-graders take on FBI corruption -- and win

America expected to crack within the next few minutes

Fitness linked to crack use

2nd-graders reportedly shot cops who wanted to use their new slide

Families vacationing in volcano: "Everybody's fine"

Edwardses dig for oil in front-yard of neighbors, losing hope

Hopes fade for starved kids as house committee decides it's time to die

Witch hunt briefing: Cheney loses hope for Beyonce probe

Sex predators take 2nd graders on witch hunt

Cheney: Everyone's leaving America for lady sex

Does Justice Roberts have sex like Usher?

"I did not die" Beyonce insists

Cheney shoots up in spaceship

Cheney shoots up 2nd graders in drive-by shooting, blasts lunch lady up to 3 miles away

Al Qaeda admits 'Wonder Years' is cool

CNN.com Headlines for July 30, 2007:

Infamous heckler Cheney rips on hostages with Oprah

FDA posts pics of Obama wedding pregnant MySpace members

Bush to Clinton: crush Obama, freak out

Obama admits sexy stripper is hot

Obama backs over Oprah in Toyota: "Hillary did it"

Repubicans back killing Brangelina in 2008

Pedophile posts pics of Tom Snyder. Vick to FDA: "Don't yank pics!"

Al Qaeda admits 'Wonder Years' is cool

Oprah to Taliban: 'Don't freak out about dead Tom Snyder in the Toyota. Oprah did it. Surprise.'

O.J. Simpson's slain wife's letter to police: "I did it". O.J. educates others on wife's guilt.

Clinton surprised to find ice in tap water: 'Oh, my God... We need help'

CNN.com Headlines for July 27, 2007:

Clinton surprised to find ice in tap water: 'Oh, my God... We need help'

Obama surprised to find himself wedged in Clinton cleavage

Warlords pelt Obama with beef chunks at party


Whoopi Goldberg covered in blood -- oh no!

Report: Lynching overused in London's top hotel

5 of the largest and most useless Whoopi Goldberg surgeries

Revelations of cool Iraqi tea parties rock Earth

Nicole Ritchie sentenced to get slapped with dead kitty for 90 hours

Tea parties may increase psychosis risk

Congress to give boys marijuana before recess

God halts Muslim prayer time: "You boys need help"

Clinton calls China 'Earth of the West.' Obama to Hillary: 'Do you really know what the Earth is?' Obama stands by calling Clinton ugly bear molestor

CNN.com headlines for July 26, 2007:

Military producing ugly baby faces

White House makes mockery of Lohan's ugly fat friends

Fat friends sink in swimming pool

Dogfighting dog dies from dogged determination

How to prevent a bear from cheating in dogfighting

9/11 hero scolded by White House as fat and ugly

Obama stands by calling Clinton ugly bear molestor

Do you really know how to make a mockery of disabled kids?

Dem senators want Gonzales to quit swimming in White House pool

Raging Obama heads to White House to make Gonzales drink wastewater

Death is Lohan's best legal move

Cat dies from dogfighting after mix-up

Lohan gets hammered, safeguards Earth from peril

Clinton calls China 'Earth of the West'

Obama to Hillary: Do you really know what the Earth is?

White House fears drunk McCain may return to Earth to make mockery of astronauts

Clinton fears tea parties, heads to Wild West

McCain getting hammered 'like a drunk baby in a ravine'

Obama to get head from dog: 'This may be silly'

Explosions in Alaska reveals Barack Obama's contempt for ice

CNN.com Headlines for July 25, 2007

Taliban claims to wax Beyonce's face

Obama comment latest stain on Taliban image

3-2-1-BLAM! Obama mulls brutal Britney Spears murder

Obama questioned after "giant fish invasion" comment

9-year-old's DUI latest stain on image of kids

Giant Obama shrinking, loses 580 pounds

Bush: I'll take Iraq War over sightseeing with wife

Clinton blasts Obama apart into flaming debris in explosions showdown

Explosions in Alaska reveals Barack Obama's contempt for ice

Clinton blasts Obama apart to help bank teller find boots

Bush boots wife, dates wax Lindsay Lohan

Cool terrorist to crash in Barack Obama's mansion for summer

Clinton blasts soccer: 'May pressure kids to shoot up'

Barack Obama's latest image problem: burning the number 666 into hand

Irresponsible terrorist blasts apart innocent victim's body

Body of shark attack victim found riddled with bullets

Incredible sex predators riddled with bullets, make mockery of death

Baby death makes mockery of murderous rampage

Many in U.S. call Gonzales scandal 'hot ghetto mess'

CNN.com Headlines from July 24, 2007

Floods leave 350,000 without sex hotline

Bush comments on Harry Potter pages 371-402: 'Fix problems'

Many in U.S. call Gonzales scandal 'hot ghetto mess'

Bionic Ashcroft snowman to pose for Playboy

Bush pressuring bionic lesbians to stay out of home

President Bush ordered daughters to pose for Playboy

President Bush ordered wife to fix body with eating disorders

Pakistani militants say they seek people who 'rape dinosaurs'

Home invasion key to ghetto tea parties

Sex offender shows off hot wife's back

Top 10 golfers to never murder a war vet

What if hurricanes stop hot ghetto parties?

McCain tried to hide in closet again

Sex offender keeping religious small town safe

McCain trying to reach Harry Potter fans with hand jobs

What if 100mph glaciers attacked this summer?

Girls of Al Qaeda to pose for Playboy

Lindsay Lohan apologizes to ancestors for birth

Cnndotcom scoop leaked to CNN.com

Before we could post our latest news story, CNN.com ran the story first: Snowman, lesbians, bubbas steal debate

Russia story first reported on Cnndotcom confirmed by Washington Post

Transcript from News Hour with Jim Lehrer from July 19, 2007

RAY SUAREZ: For more on the unfolding diplomatic conflict, we're joined by Mary Jordan, correspondent for the Washington Post in London.
And, Mary, when did this all get started?

MARY JORDAN, Washington Post Correspondent: Well, it all started, most amazingly, with a tea cup

cnndotcom scoop

McCain trying to get buzz on

CNN.com Headlines for January 23, 2007

Will it be animal lovers against spacewalkers in daily White House Barry Bonds debate?

Michael Vick, Barry Bonds protest Taliban lovers

5-lb bag of chips cost hip-hop stars millions

Doctors fear Bush's addiction to hot teen sex

Taliban takes blame for lightning

Animal lovers target cancer with car bombs

Bush steals bag of chips from police

Top fear worrying Democratic voters: Dinosaurs

Doctors find 'glaciers of trash' in Bush's colon

McCain releases 400 falcons in to Georgia's top court

Thieving seagull dies trying to stop Iraq war

McCain trying to get buzz on

How to stop worrying about religious husband killing for money

Animal lovers kill 35 falcons in protest of Michael Vick mess

Romney dies trying to take on 5-lb Chihuahua (Martians mourn for beloved leader)

Doctors stop worrying about fitting probe in to Bush's colon

Romney forces Michael Vick to kill girlfriend's baby after toddler steals chips

Osama to show true colors in peace protest

How to stop worrying about magic falcons

McCain clarifies: 'I ain't no Vinny Gorgeous. Vinny Gorgeous ain't rich and famous. Vinny Gorgeous ain't tough. McCain plays with sex appeal.'

CNN.com Headlines for July 19, 2007

Taliban stops space vacations

Teen drug problem entertains U.S. troops

White House: 'Tony Snow must quit barbaric bad boy ways'

Newborn rescued from trash bin: 'I ain't no baby'

Cheney to Iraq: 'King me!"

White House accused of betting on checkers

Cheny to blow Tony Snow on YouTube

Idyllic teen-sex lies beneath Iraq insurgency

Study: Dinosaurs overuse their hairspray

Pentagon scolds newborn: 'Quit plan to become president'

McCain clarifies: 'I ain't no Vinny Gorgeous. Vinny Gorgeous ain't rich and famous. Vinny Gorgeous ain't tough. McCain plays with sex appeal.'

Bush: If we nuke God, how do we fight Harry Potter?

CNN.com Headlines for July 19, 2007

Obama eats nearly $1000 of asbestos in 20-hour standoff with Rowling

Dying Tammy Faye Messner: I caught botulism for Obama

Dying Iraqi's last words: 'Sopranos' ends in murder

John Edwards touches child, psychs out McCain

Restless McCain battling 14,000 chimps in 'dead zone'

Restless legs syndrome reported in the West. What you can do to beat the chaos: Say a prayer

God kicks out son to 'help preserve secrecy'

McCain dies after battling Price is Right host in first round of Mexico's 'Murder Open"

Scores killed in British diplomat's Easy-Bake Oven

McCain straddles John Edwards, hospitalized for restless legs syndrome

McCain, Edwards offer tips for beating kids, battling evolution

Merv Griffin's last words, "Do what you can to kill Steve Jobs, for Apple's top powergeek chokes the American chimps"

John Edwards suspended at camp for suitcase chaos

McCain hospitalized for 'Fickle Warlord Syndrome’

Bush talks about midnight dream: “Trying to be a man, I fake fight Harry Potter on plane, arrest God in Brazil for theft of $1000”

Cozy up to the Mumbai building collapse and lose your legs

Bush: If we nuke God, how do we fight Harry Potter?

Naked Steve Jobs gets pleasures, smiles

Naked candidates won't leave New Hampshire building

'Pecs, legs' McCain's guilty pleasures

McCain, Edwards top candidates for first naked American in space

Sneaky little Oprah tricks U.S., steals control in Iraq

CNN.com Headlines for July 18, 2007

Elizabeth Edwards knocks up Al Qaeda leader

Elizabeth Edwards charged with stealing dog from Dave Chapelle, kills self

Dad tells child cigarettes are cool

When steroids were safe and chimps were ugly

Dad tells daughter's killer of his cool treadmill

Career-killing chimps on steroids: Are we safe?

Child-killing senator has ugly daughter

Canadian suicide bomber wins World Series of Golf

Dad taking daughter to World Series of Ugly Teens

Older senator wins World Series of Suicide

Suicide bomber blamed for golf mistakes

Bottom line: Are we high?

Top career-killing mistakes: suicide

Bernanke says economy to gain steam when cigarettes are $1M and diabetes drugs are blamed for deadly chaos

Obama kills roaches with big guns, Oprah 'disturbed'

Sneaky little Oprah tricks U.S., steals control in Iraq

Obama psychs out terrorists with high-produce diet

Dr. Gupta vows to kill patient with a "crash course in surgery"

Can you beat the wife with varied jabs?

Subtle terrorists kill 8.5 million

Bush sets up Bin Laden's mom with Obama

Obama: Time to spread Bin Laden's trash over Brazil

Obama sets up police line-up, takes out big guns shooting Capitol candidates, and steals control from pilot

Famed Danish polygamist chimps blamed for Obama meltdowns

U.S. prepared to talk directly with Iran about Alabama

CNN.com Headlines from July 17, 2007

Dems plan prostitute all-nighter

Taliban fears back-to-school day

More odd sushi hits Obama

Officials to agree to stuff

Al-Qaeda to plan back-to-school sale

Prostitute: Joe DiMaggio tastes like raw chicken

Edwards in million-dollar tux on poverty tour

Bush offers $1M prize for best child suicide

Bush tries to unravel Disney mystery adventure, getting closer

Obama may use N-word to lighten debate on Iraq

The best treadmills for bear rehab

Chimps on drugs offer clue to Bush potential

Older, cheaper Canadian chimps rented for shuttle crew

More working moms get high, dream of going 'all suicide bomber' on child

Police dream of soldier chimps on steroids

Dems plan to face GOP LIVE in 'all-nighter death contest'

U.S. prepared to talk directly with Iran about Alabama

Edwards: I want to kill at least 21 teens on my poverty tour

CNN.com Headlines for July 16, 2007

Harrison Ford washes up on beach, chokes on a Wii

White House named best places to cover-up alleged radioactive baby

Suicide bomber sorry for having sex in American towns

Edwards: I want to kill at least 21 teens on my poverty tour

Edwards taking the kids on a suicide bomber adventure

Edwards emphasizes morality on last-ditch porn tour

Harrison ford hits the kids on a beach in Ethiopia

Rebecca Romijn: I want clergy abuse for my kids

Geniuses launch porn rankings to keep teens having sex

Radioactive ice cream comments on Lindsey Lohan slaying

GOP senator made out of ice cream sticks checks out Lindsey Lohan's meat ship before slaying Michael Moore on stage for a cheerleader's baby named China

Senator warned White House panel of last-ditch Michael Moore plan to fly ship made of ice cream to North Pole before U.S. bans importers of China ice

Harrison Ford chokes Rebecca Romijn for 6 months on Disney adventure

14,000 landslides that will change your child

GOP senator ok's $660 million ice cream sticks, bans meat

Democrats seek $660 million to give North Pole amputee ice-cream prosthetics

Ex-Marine suspects elephants plan to escape circus, wants talks with Bush

CNN.com Headlines for July 13, 2007:

Bush wants to escape old mill, tackles McCain

Where in the world is the U.S.?

Mandy Patinkin guilty of having sex in McCain freezer

Bush bombs Darfur, scolds civilians: "Fear the U.S., child"

Ex-Marine suspects elephants plan to escape circus, wants talks with Bush

McCain having sex for tourism comeback

Giuliani to organize drug smuggling directly to your table

CNN.com Headlines for July 12, 2007

Bush says Al Qaeda "made of cardboard"

Edwards leaving Carribbean after stabbing talkative toddler over toothpaste tiff

Jury duty excuse: I'm a lawn chair

Al Qaeda en route to New Jersey to oust terrorist toddler

Why some people don't like bus sized squid fossils

Bus-sized racist flies 193 miles, directly to your table to hunt for Amelia Earhart in Guiliani campaign ad

Do voters want Giuliani or death?

Why some people don't like death

Why some racist, homophobic voters like lightning-strike injuries

Woman willingly shows fresh box to Giuliani in campaign ad

Giuliani: Voters want death to Amelia Airheart

Giuliani: Firefighters 'a travesty'

Giuliani to organize drug smuggling directly to your table

Amelia Earhart-sized lawmaker delays lightning strike with selenium supplements

Do voters want man-sized selenium supplements or a gas attack?

Al Qaeda apologizes to Bush over 9/11: 'Not ladylike'

Grinning Bush says "I'm en route to buns of Miss New Jersey. ZZZZZTTTTTT!"

Bush sees toddler kicked off chair, analysis: “ZZZZTTTT!”

Bush: "God, I just had sex. Please just let me battle Al Qaeda."

CNN.com Headlines for July 10, 2007

Bush: "God, I just had sex. Please just let me battle Al Qaeda."

Clay Aiken to build largest holy land in 5-10 years


Katie Couric held at gunpoint in FDA siege

Greenland abortion rights group blamed for Big Dig accident

The racist, homophobic lawn chair that can make you thin

Senator: 'Please just let me blaze'

Bush executes Giuliani over new Al Queda sex tape

McCain to blaze drugs in lawn chair

Bush executes official who forced out a little gas

McCain eats fake drugs, hopes to feel racist

Guiliani campaign takes an unorthodox path, kills 12 children

Sean "diddy" combs: I'm a racist, darker children get smacked

Weightlifting wizard forced out God

Report: Giuliani's suicide all-time greatest

God threatens inferno official who ok'd sex tape

What's the right age for kids to stop racist sex?

Suicide blast may help abortion

Jury duty excuse: I'm all-time largest abortion

Suicide linked to diabetes risk

All time greatest abortion excuse: Greenland really was green!

What's the right age for kids to get smacked? 5

Cnn.com headlines for July 9, 2007

Burned out robot wanted to flee wacky subprime love triangle, planned a last laugh homicide

Rowling to Potter fans: Harry, fined in Zimbabwe, is failing college

Bush approves free babe service

White House claims executive priviledge in missing porn videotapes debate

BREAKING NEWS: Bush, Putin collide on teacup ride

Bush, Putin collide on teacup ride

Court rejects Obama's bid to keep parts from dead enemies

Larry the Cable Guy begins counting things, raptures over the inevitability of 4,802

Obama to demand beer with 30 percent alcohol

Teens charged with poor sense of smell to face lengthy execution

Obama hides beer, fireworks in mystery room, keeping them safe

Cnn.com Headlines for July 2, 2007

Obama faces probe after 'creepy' Captain America lap dances

Obama shatters child, sets fire to judge

Obama hides weiner, says U.S. troops are really wimps

Magician says he'll supply booty to US troops

Obama says he'll beat the wife with a 27-foot terra cotta iPhone

Hezbollah: lap dances key in marriage

Bill Clinton changes topic from Supreme Court to Chinese lap dances

Bush to keep teacup from enemies

Obama hides beer, fireworks in mystery room, keeping them safe

Obama says he'll take magician to Hawaii, probe the man's memory and continue to supply him snack food

Romney mania hits Mars

Cnn.com Headlines for the Week of June 25th, 2007

Senate votes to jump-start 1000 suicides

Harry Potter's killer found with kisses over 90% of body

Obama admits sex with Hatshepsut's mummy, addiction to reading

Boy, 7, has complicated phone service plan

No sign of life for Hatsheput's mummy

Obama admits to bong hits with Afghan boy

Video shows pit bull quizzed on immigration

Thousands flee 81 year-old Jesus puppet

U.N. ranking the best bong hits

Complicated personal life causes havoc in pond

Giant boy hits bong, gets bigger

The GOP Immigration War that could make you rich

Egyptologists may have killed Angelina Jolie's giant penguins with healthy recipe additions

U.N.: Jesus' biggest bong may have dwarfed modern versions

In first TV ads Obama slashes wrists, has thousands of bong hits while playing video games

Runaway Obama offers opium, bong hits in Iowa

Obama kills Jesus while playing with iPhone

Poll: Majority support execution of magic gays

Poll majority: McCartny is disabled female mummy

The reality is, teen slaying worth the $1 million wager

Bill Clinton's response to gay Bigfoot kiss: "Big Mistake"

Bigfoot gay kiss not worth the sex change

Obama pulls 81 year old into home, offers the biggest bong hit in the history of Pakistan

Elizabeth Edwards subpoenaed over roid rage, threatens to blast Paris Hilton to smithereens

Eavesdropping couple subpoenaed to smithereens

Decapitated fashion designer faces make-or-break world tour

Mitt Romney videos his canine getting bombed

Spice girls eat boy's face, 7 year-old suffers crushing defeat

Columbian rebels nuke Bush, Garnett to soothe bald eagle

White House rejects God, won't eat Cheerleaders

Researcher suspects Big Foot abused plenty of NBA Draft rejects

Diabetic kicked off white house, now God

Transgendered 7-year old rejects Bush, White house disappointed

Diabetic 7 year old won't eat boy's face

Beheaded Bush aide ill with cancer

Beheaded mummy dead

Hot Texas cheerleader rejects bald diabetic

2 arrested in missing toothpaste case

Study: One-third of Columbian rebels are awesome robots

Supreme Court impregnates cheerleaders to get more Gitmo detainees

Supreme Court to bomb suspect: Stop listening to astronaut's racism

Bush's former girlfriend to make risky trip into Jupiter